Tag Archives | tears

The problems

Sleep­less­ness, that is what I can use to describe myself.

I would want to blame it on the dif­fer­ent time zones, they call it jet lagged. Yes, I have been liv­ing on a jet set­ter’s lifestyle since late Novem­ber. It was fun, to be able to trav­el all around, meet­ing dif­fer­ent peo­ple before I start myself in Uni in May.

But that is not the point, the point is, I want­ed to stay away from my home in Kuala Lumpur. I had want­ed to do this for a very long time, try­ing to see if I could for­get the boy. The truth is, I can’t. On the boy’s birth­day last year, while I was in Brazil, I gave the boy a call to wish him a hap­py birth­day. I mean, it would only be appro­pri­ate if I do that, at least, I thought it that way.

Not only was I wrong about the whole thing, I still end­ed up cry­ing at night, hug­ging a pil­low, that I was well aware that it would not hug me back.

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It has been a cou­ple of weeks since the boy had announced that he has found a new boy friend. It is also the same time that me, the ex boy friend been cry­ing almost every night.

How can I help it? I could not do any­thing but just let the tears flow from my eyes to my cheek and drop till my shirt, and some­times on the bed.

Almost every night I cry myself silent­ly, almost every night all I could do is to think of the mess I am in; the mess that I might not be able to clean up, a mess that I do not want to have any­thing to do with; a mess that I have regret­ted cre­at­ing in the first place.

Lis­ten­ing to the Top 40 hit songs do not help, my ‘super emo’ play list has been on the iPod for the past nights accom­pa­ny­ing my tear of loneliness.

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Feeling guilty

I know my love life has been very com­pli­cat­ed. Since my child­hood, I had not many com­pa­ny. My clos­est friend is stay­ing away from me because of work, and per­haps because he is also feel­ing guilty for bor­row­ing so much mon­ey from me and not able to return back to me, but that is anoth­er story.

When I am with the boy, our rela­tion­ship has been up and down. More on the down side, because we exchange words that we regret after that. I agree that my tem­per has been a major set down on what things has become, and I can­not blame the boy for that.

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Streak of tears

Oh fuck it, I seri­ous­ly hate this kind of feel­ings. The feel­ings of being alone, in the room. Lis­ten­ing to the music that only spells for disaster!

How can I be so vul­ner­a­ble to a boy that had left me for some­one else. How can I be so vul­ner­a­ble with streaks of tears falling down my cheek just by look­ing at the SMS that L had sent me.

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