The secret love

For the past few months, my love sto­ry has been the most com­pli­cat­ed one. I dare not say that no one ever encounter any­thing like mine, but I am pret­ty sure I do not know any­one that had the same expe­ri­ence like I did.

While my rela­tion­ship end­ed with “L”, I told myself that I would wait for him to come back. I love L a lot, and I dare not imag­ine myself look­ing for anoth­er per­son, and start a rela­tion­ship with him.

When I met Eric, it total­ly changed. I did not want to start a rela­tion­ship with Eric, but rather because Eric is so alike “L” I thought of start­ing it, just to see what happen.

I changed, I want­ed to fuck Eric. Just because of that, I have been spend­ing time togeth­er with Eric, hop­ing that one day I get to fuck him.

Things change when Zai came over to look for Eric. I saw Zai, and I almost fell in love with him. It is very hard for me to explain in words, but that time, I real­ly want­ed to know more about Zai, want to get to know him bet­ter, and even­tu­al­ly be one of his good buddies.

On that night, I accom­pa­ny Zai doing his gro­ceries, we had a nice time chat­ting, and it seems like we have known each oth­er for a very long time. Before he went home, he gave me his number.

I called that num­ber that night, Zai want­ed to do his revi­sion for his stud­ies, I need­ed some­one to com­pa­ny me. I offered Zai to be his com­pa­ny that night. We went for sup­per togeth­er in KL, we had a real­ly good time togeth­er. I slow­ly find myself lik­ing Zai more than lik­ing Eric.

That time, sex is not the thing I am think­ing, I just want­ed Zai’s com­pan­ion. Zai spent the night in my room on my bed doing his revi­sion. Fatigue hit him and slow­ly he drift­ed into sleep. I look at the sweet boy on my bed, and start­ed think­ing about sex. I touched him. He woke up, giv­ing me that grin that he don’t mind my touch. I gave him a kiss on the lips, he kissed me back. We both enjoyed the kiss, that soon turned into a french kiss. He was hard, I took off his pants, and start­ed suck­ing his cock.

We end­ed up in each oth­er’s arm that night.

A few days has passed, I have been spend­ing my night at Zai’s place. We had a lot of fun togeth­er. Shop­ping, walk­ing around, going to clubs to dance and look­ing for new places to eat.

At first, Zai told me that I can like him, but I can­not fall in love with him. I did not under­stand what he meant at that time, but I con­tin­ue to slow­ly fall in love with him.

The next few days, Zai told me that he had accept­ed the pro­pos­al from E, some­one that he had met online, and had been going out for a few times togeth­er. He liked E a lot, and Zai said to me, that E knows about me, knows about us.

E knows that I have been sleep­ing with Zai. He knows that I am falling in love with Zai. E asked Zai, if I have bet­ter qual­i­ties, why did Zai choose him and not me? Zai could not answer.

In Zai’s mind, he look at me as a play boy, play­ful when it comes to a rela­tion­ship. Yet, at times, he thinks that I am a great lover, because of how I have treat­ed S, and at the same time, a bad lover because of how bad I have treat­ed L.

That day, Zai told me that E is com­ing over to his house because E do not need to work the fol­low­ing day. I secret­ly put a con­dom under Zai’s pil­low, hop­ing that they would had fun. That night, think­ing that E is mak­ing love with Zai, I cried.

After 2 weeks togeth­er, me lik­ing Zai has turned into a secret love. I dare not tell him that I love him because I know he has got E, yet at the same time, my actions had shown him that I love him a lot, per­haps even more than I love S.

That morn­ing when E was with him, I cooked breakfast.

I cooked 2 por­tion, one for Zai, and anoth­er for E. I think the main rea­son I did that, is I want to let E know that I exist­ed, and I cared for Zai a lot, and I can do much more bet­ter things to make Zai hap­py. Spend­ing more time with Zai, doing things togeth­er with Zai, and most impor­tant­ly, care about him.

Zai had showed me that he love E more. I still remem­ber Zai told me, that we can pak “peng you” tuo. I agreed, because I do not want to be in a rela­tion­ship at that time. When I know that E and Zai is mak­ing love that night, my heart sank, and I cried.

Just like this, I came back to the same sit­u­a­tion. Cry­ing alone by myself. I still remem­ber the things that I said to Zai, I will nev­er love you, you can nev­er make me cry.


6 Responses to The secret love

  1. little prince October 3, 2008 at 1:54 am #


    why does love make things soooooo complicated.

  2. Cedric Ang October 3, 2008 at 10:47 am #

    I want to know too. Just when I thought I found my lit­tle prince =(

  3. clement October 6, 2008 at 6:14 pm #

    you are mak­ing your­self com­pli­cat­ed, ced. Go over it as he is not worth a cent for you. He is just fill­ing the emp­ty space in btween the time with E. He is a plain idoit. Tell him to F*** off!

  4. Apostle8 October 7, 2008 at 10:05 am #

    Hi remem­ber me ? I’m sor­ry you are going through a tough patch. I know how you feel as I have just found out the one per­son I have loved is lov­ing some­one else behind my back. Been break­ing down for­ev­er.. Seems like it will nev­er end.

  5. alan October 10, 2008 at 8:50 pm #

    I near­ly cried. I so under­stand that feel.… see­ing the one you love is with the anoth­er per­son and all you want­ed is him being hap­py even if it might hurt your­self. It’s like you want­ed to trade his sor­row for your own joy… I’m proud of you cedric… hope you can get over it and con­tin­ue your life. You still have a won­der­ful life ahead of you.

  6. Wtv October 13, 2008 at 3:13 am #

    I had this long mail for you, regard­ing this mess. Elec­tric­i­ty got cut out and im jst too lazy to re type it out. Lol.

    Any­way, Im in the same mess except that im straight. But, Ive got real­ly good friends who are gay, and have been through the same thing as you have. IMHO, straight and bi rela­tion­ships might dif­fer in some areas but it all boils down to the same thing in some. As of now, its just best to move on. Hell, rip off the plas­ter. Grin and bear it. 30 mis­er­able days lat­er, you’ll start mov­ing on. Boot the dude. Cease all communications.

    I paid almost every­thing for my ex. Stud­ies, stuff, accom­mo­da­tion and stuff. Com­ing from a bro­ken fam­i­ly with a mom that has bare­ly enough, i paid for her every­thing. And look at what i got? She refus­es to talk to me. Bitch.

    Point is, some peo­ple have just weird views. We think we’re nice..well, because we are. But there has got to be some unex­plained rea­son as to why they do this. We just have to live with it and move on. Say­ing is eas­i­er than done but hey, im doing what i said. Not easy but you got­ta start somewhere.

    Move on. Its their loss. Not ours.

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