The mistake

I could not sleep this morn­ing until 4 am. The bright moon light from the New York’s cityscape peek­ing through my win­dow on my face.

I tried very hard to fall asleep.

The thought of us togeth­er got me awake. Ever since you found your­self in some­one else’s arms, I have been think­ing about you day and night.

It rained today. Not too heavy, but just rained.

I went out to the street, hope­ful­ly to get my mind off things for a moment.

I caught Chris online. I must say that I am glad I have some­one that lives almost the same time­zone as me. Being 12 hours behind every­one that I know some­times is not a good thing for me, espe­cial­ly when I need­ed some­one bad­ly to chat with.

One mis­take I make pri­or com­ing to New York.

When I was with the boy, we had our plans to move to New York. Study, and work­ing together.

We even trav­eled to New York togeth­er to look at how the things are, to see if we could get used to our sur­round­ings. We looked for a uni, a place to stay. While we were walk­ing one day dur­ing our hol­i­day, we saw this place that is up for sale. It is a qui­et neigh­bor­hood, and we quite like the sur­round­ings. We man­age to con­tact the own­er, and the own­er was kind enough to meet us up on that day itself.

When we entered the place, I felt imme­di­ate­ly like home. Locat­ed at the Upper West Side, it has win­dows overview­ing Cen­tral Park. With pri­vate pool, we imme­di­ate­ly fell in love with the place. Unlike con­dos or apart­ments, the loft has got no rooms, but rather a huge space where we can sep­a­rate the rooms by our­selves. The scene of Queer as Folk imme­di­ate­ly trig­gered both of our sens­es, and we total­ly for­got that the own­er were actu­al­ly wait­ing for us.

Din­ner time that night was all about The Loft that we saw. We were visu­al­iz­ing how we would dec­o­rate the place, where we would put the bed, where will we put the LCD TV, the PS3, the kitchen and etc.

The next day itself, we spo­ken with the own­er again, this time, I had paid a sum of USD5000 upfront as a deposit.

I was prepar­ing for my uni­ver­si­ty that is start­ing in a cou­ple more days. A white enve­lope slipped and dropped to the floor of the loft.

When we were hav­ing our vis­it to New York, we had enrolled our­selves to one of the var­si­ty here. When we broke up a year ago, the boy returned me the enve­lope togeth­er with the var­si­ty’s offer let­ter. I must have slipped it in between my school doc­u­ments, and now the mem­o­ries of us being togeth­er is haunt­ing me.

I had tried my best to design and dec­o­rate The Loft as per how the boy had want­ed it. Maybe, I had a thought that maybe some day the boy would come back. For the past few nights after I have arrived here, I imaged myself cook­ing at the kitchen for The Boy. Both of us would be hap­py feast­ing on the meal that we had pre­pare, and per­haps a sip of wine look­ing over Cen­tral Park.

Maybe the idea of me want­i­ng to con­tin­ue to New York was a big mis­take. Maybe I thought it is the only mem­o­ry that I could sav­age from our sad sob relationship.

Maybe I had not want­ed to sav­age the rela­tion­ship at all. The things that had been going through my mind at that time when I had argued with The Boy. The things that I have done that would have hurt his feel­ings. They say, you will not appre­ci­ate some­thing until you lose it. I guess, it is true to an extend.

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2 Responses to The mistake

  1. KLite May 17, 2009 at 12:34 pm #

    It is my first time com­ment­ing on this blog and I hope it is okay for you. I’m just a kind of per­son who can’t stand see­ing some­one so depressed.

    Well, dat­ing life is like that and I’m pos­i­tive that you will find some­one even bet­ter in future. Rem­i­nisc­ing about the times you had with your boy is per­fect­ly nor­mal but make sure it does­n’t stop you from doing every­thing else and in the end, caus­ing your nor­mal dai­ly rou­tine to collapse.

    My advice is, when­ev­er you recall about it and feel down, just cry your lungs out. It does­n’t mat­ter if it makes you look like a pussy. It works … (a bit?) And after that, you can walk out to the streets and stroll the park and do peo­ple watch­ing, cycle the streets and look at ran­dom things, play with the dogs at the pet shop (that is if you like dogs in the first place).. But no mat­ter what, don’t con­sume alco­hol. It is tem­po­rary nir­vana and also, get­ting a beer bel­ly and a rot­ten kid­ney sucks XD

    Hon­est­ly, I suck at giv­ing advice but I hope it cheered you up a wee bit. And please get your­self back on the road as soon as pos­si­ble. Look­ing for­ward to hap­py posts in future. I’ll be keep­ing track if you don’t mind.

    • Cedric Ang May 17, 2009 at 7:31 pm #


      Wel­come to my blog. Well I am quite sure of find­ing some­one spe­cial, but the process is tedious and it’s almost killing me. I do cry out loud when I feel down, but this is going way too often, I would say. Rather, it’s not help­ing, if at all.

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