The happy pills

I am sure a cou­ple of peo­ple have read about my sui­cide episodes after L had found him­self a companion.

Almost 10 days ago it was when it all start­ed. Every­thing went on so fast, too fast that it took me down like a defense­less ant.

40 sleep­ing pills, a cou­ple of pain killers, a cou­ple of ‘Panadol’ and a bot­tle Vod­ka, I woke up almost 26 hours lat­er. It was a mir­a­cle, but the thought of L is still fresh in my mind. My mind start­ed to wan­der around the realm out of the real­i­ty and try­ing to think with­out the actu­al thinking.

No, I was­n’t seek­ing atten­tion from L. I might sound­ed like I did but that was­n’t my inten­tions. After almost com­mit­ting the crime of the final episodes of my life, it feels like I was emo­tion­al­ly black­mail­ing L, to be togeth­er with me. It was unfair for both of us.

I had not drag any­one togeth­er in with me. It was­n’t a mass sui­cide. In fact, not many peo­ple know about it except my ex boy friend A, that I have called and cried and I told him my prob­lem. A had no knowl­edge of know­ing me tak­en the drugs and sub­stance. A had no idea that I was hop­ing for an over­dose and peace­ful­ly leave this world behind. Leav­ing the sad sob life that I cur­rent­ly have.

Ever since the inci­dent, a close friend talked to me on MSN. I would wish that she was next to me talk­ing to me, rather than typ­ing on the key­board. She was too far away.

She advised me to seek for help, help from a doc­tor that could pre­scribe me some Xanax, the drug that sup­press depres­sions. I went over, the doc­tor rec­om­mend­ed me to see a psy­chi­a­trist instead. I did. After a cou­ple of ses­sions, I can say that I can final­ly think cor­rect­ly and log­i­cal­ly. Sui­ci­dal is just not the answer now, and I think it will nev­er be. The psy­chi­a­trist did a superb job.


Then, I was required to be in med­ica­tion. A cou­ple of med­ica­tion that as far as a recall, gives me the same type of high that I can get when I was on social drug, the mar­i­jua­na. It makes me a hap­py per­son, the hap­py pills.

The ‘hap­py pills’ did a very good job to calm me down most of the times. How­ev­er, the thought of L is still lin­ger­ing in my mind as if it just had hap­pened. I still could not for­get about him. Tears starts falling again.

My inten­tions was made clear to him, I want­ed to see him. To see him more often. It does­n’t real­ly mat­ter if he had ‘down­grad­ed’ me to a ‘friend only’ sta­tus, but see­ing him was the sat­is­fac­tion hearsay.


The psy­chi­a­trist said that I am suf­fer­ing from a very mild depres­sion. I have also Sep­a­ra­tion Anx­i­ety Dis­or­der, and also sui­ci­dal. I did not know what that means, until I found them on Wikipedia.

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