Same Subject, Different Day

My mind is almost blank, but yet there is this feel­ing inside me that makes me want to shout out to the world that I have a lot on my mind, and yet still emp­ty.

Yes, maybe I do not know how to put things in words. Maybe I am just con­fused of the cer­tain feel­ings that I have right now, maybe it was just noth­ing.

His voice still echoes deep inside. I could still hear him say­ing things to me. Was it just my imag­i­na­tion, or just mere­ly because I missed him so much?

It has been almost a year that we both break up offi­cial­ly. It was also the time where the boy had hitched a ride and went home with some­one. It was the time when I heard news about the boy not going back home, and I cried and cried because I had missed him so damn much.

I do not know why, but my feel­ings in such way is only the first time towards the boy. I had no prob­lem let­ting my oth­er boy friends go, no mat­ter how much we claimed to be in love with each oth­er. I some­times was­n’t sure if it was the com­pan­ion­ship that me and the boy both had, or it was the sex that was so great.

Lis­ten­ing to the songs in my iPhone do not make things much more eas­i­er for me. When my song list goes to the song “Shake It” by Met­ro­sta­tion, I think about how I make fun of the song. When my song list goes to “Sor­ry, Blame it on me” by Akon, I think about how the boy had talked about the mean­ing of the song, about the sto­ry behind it. I lis­ten to Brit­ney and I will think about how I used to whine when he put on Brit­ney.

They say, time will heal albeit slow­ly. Real­ly?

I still see my wounds, fresh and wet. Tears? They have not aban­doned me, still vis­its me all the time.

The boy had not con­tact­ed me for almost three months now. The last time I tried to talk to him was when I called him to wish him a hap­py birth­day.

I had no oth­er means of con­tact­ing him beside the phone call. I could how­ev­er just stop by his place and gave him a sur­prise vis­it, but I do not real­ly want to freak him out.

A friend once asked me.

Do you think you still can be as how it used to be, if the boy had come back to you again?”

I guess, things would not be the same any­more. We as human beings, are not that for­giv­ing as we want us to be our­selves. It isn’t too hard to apol­o­gize, it isn’t that hard to say that I am sor­ry. How easy for it for some­one to for­give, and hope­ful­ly to for­get?

If you loved some­one and you break up, where does the love go?

How can we trans­form a once pas­sion­ate love, into some­thing that fits nice and eas­i­ly onto the friend­ship shelf? I won­der, instead of pre­tend­ing each oth­er does­n’t exist, can’t we be friends or some­thing ?

I real­ly hope some­day, very soon, that we can all meet for a drink and be great friends; just like in the movies.

Mem­o­ries. Light the cor­ners of my mind. Misty water-col­ored mem­o­ries. Of the way we were. Can it be,
can it be that it was all so sim­ple then? Or has time re-writ­ten every line? If we had the chance to do it all again. Tell me. Would we? Could we?

I would have not hurt you delib­er­ate­ly, will you for­give me, L?

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  1. Cedric,

    This is the first time I’ve read ur blog & to say the least, I know how you feel being in ur posi­tion not so long ago…

    Get­ting back to the way things were espe­cial­ly try­ing to treat ur ex- as a friend is dif­fi­cult as it is com­pli­cat­ed. Try­ing to get over the past with an ex- brings back painful mem­o­ries…

    I chose to dis­con­tin­ue con­tact with my ex- until I can find it in my heart to look at him as a ‘friend’ but until that time comes… I guess I can’t take it any­more.

    Keep on blog­ging dude as you’ve caught my atten­tion & look­ing for­ward to see­ing anoth­er writ­ten chron­i­cle from u.


  2. Hi Cedric Ang,

    You have an inter­est­ing blog here. How­ev­er you may not notice this, and that is your blog looks ter­ri­ble on Inter­net explor­er. You are prob­a­bly a Fire­fox user as it looks find via that brows­er. If you are seri­ous about this blog, may I sug­gest that you redo your tem­plate such that it looks good on both type of browsers, espe­cial­ly since IE is still the main brows­er the world is using. Just my 2 cents yeah 🙂


  3. Hi Cedric,

    Oic. Opera and Safar­i’s good. Unfor­tu­nate­ly they are the minor­i­ty browsers.

    Basi­cal­ly your blog back­ground looks very dark in dark blue and black for the first half and as your words are in black, it makes read­ing impos­si­ble.

  4. Pingback: Thinking aloud | Cedric Ang