Overcoming depression

I had a long chat on MSN with a close friend, and I think I know what the prob­lems is.

You see, after that whole episods of me puk­ing my guts out in my own room, I think I am suf­fer­ing from depres­sion and needs med­ical help. I mean, this is not nor­mal, being sui­ci­dal is not nor­mal. Besides hav­ing to clean my room full of puke, and blood, I guess I am okay.

Some­one says that I sound very pos­ses­sive. I was­n’t real­ly. I was try­ing to pro­tect L, I tried too hard. I was worried.

I have final­ly real­ized what I have done wrong. Things that I could eas­i­ly fix. I want to do that, but I just need L to give me that one chance, a chance that I don’t real­ly deserve unless I promise him I will not hurt him again.

See­ing who he is meet­ing, I total­ly dis­agree. I would want to tell him that, but at this stage if I do, he would think that I want to sab­o­tage their friend­ship. I can­not let that hap­pen, no mat­ter how much dis­agree­ment I have. Per­haps all these are just coin­ci­dence that L was caught in the mid­dle of it, then it would be a big­ger problem.

The some­one was right, there is no way I can shel­ter L the way I want­ed to. He is young, and he needs his own space to breath. I have had that prob­lem with A, I should have known better.

I took the rela­tion­ship too seri­ous­ly. L must have felt the pres­sure. Poor L.

From his dai­ly rant­i­ng about his fam­i­ly mat­ters to me, adding on by my pres­sures, I think any sane human being would have felt uneasy.

First off, I will need to see a doc­tor to set­tle my depres­sion prob­lems. The some­one is right. I need the med­ica­tion, oth­er­wise, I will just repeat and repeat myself until I final­ly suc­ceed. In which, it does not ben­e­fit any­one. I think I was lucky this time, because I had puked them out. I do not know what hap­pened in between.

L, the rea­son I put this down on a blog is because I want to look back next time, and laugh at how sil­ly I am. As much as I would want to pub­licly declare my love for L, I do not want to put the pres­sure on L. I want L to be hap­py with what­ev­er deci­sions that he make.

I quote a close friend, “As human beings, we want things to work per­fect­ly, to be smooth”. I agree. I want the rela­tion­ship to be smooth and per­fect. I thought by try­ing to under­stand you more, I can ask even more ques­tions, in which it turned out to be like I am inter­ro­gat­ing you, which it was­n’t. I know that now.

L, if you are read­ing this, I am going to step back a lit­tle, just to give you some space to breath. Please don’t think that I am leav­ing you, I am not. In fact, I am real­ly jeal­ous of how the things are now, and I real­ly wish that you are togeth­er with me. You can come talk to me when­ev­er you feel com­fort­able with; We had both agreed for a time out, so that is what it will be. You had not asked me for any pro­tec­tion, it is not right for me to shove it down your throat. I under­stand that now.

Thanks for the com­fort­ing mes­sages that you guys sent me, it helped a lot. I am still wor­ried, but I am going to seek help. Don’t wor­ry for me, okay?

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One Response to Overcoming depression

  1. Edrei April 13, 2008 at 7:43 pm #

    I’ve been deal­ing with depres­sion for a lit­tle over 10 years and per­son­al­ly, I shun med­ica­tion because that’s just anoth­er way of run­ning away from your problems.

    It’s all about fac­ing what­ev­er demons you have face on. Fac­ing it and deal­ing with it one day at a time. Regard­less of what’s been faced, that’s all we can han­dle and just as every­thing in life, it’ll all work out whether we want to or not.

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