I had a long chat on MSN with a close friend, and I think I know what the problems is.
You see, after that whole episods of me puking my guts out in my own room, I think I am suffering from depression and needs medical help. I mean, this is not normal, being suicidal is not normal. Besides having to clean my room full of puke, and blood, I guess I am okay.
Someone says that I sound very possessive. I wasn’t really. I was trying to protect L, I tried too hard. I was worried.
I have finally realized what I have done wrong. Things that I could easily fix. I want to do that, but I just need L to give me that one chance, a chance that I don’t really deserve unless I promise him I will not hurt him again.
Seeing who he is meeting, I totally disagree. I would want to tell him that, but at this stage if I do, he would think that I want to sabotage their friendship. I cannot let that happen, no matter how much disagreement I have. Perhaps all these are just coincidence that L was caught in the middle of it, then it would be a bigger problem.
The someone was right, there is no way I can shelter L the way I wanted to. He is young, and he needs his own space to breath. I have had that problem with A, I should have known better.
I took the relationship too seriously. L must have felt the pressure. Poor L.
From his daily ranting about his family matters to me, adding on by my pressures, I think any sane human being would have felt uneasy.
First off, I will need to see a doctor to settle my depression problems. The someone is right. I need the medication, otherwise, I will just repeat and repeat myself until I finally succeed. In which, it does not benefit anyone. I think I was lucky this time, because I had puked them out. I do not know what happened in between.
L, the reason I put this down on a blog is because I want to look back next time, and laugh at how silly I am. As much as I would want to publicly declare my love for L, I do not want to put the pressure on L. I want L to be happy with whatever decisions that he make.
I quote a close friend, “As human beings, we want things to work perfectly, to be smooth”. I agree. I want the relationship to be smooth and perfect. I thought by trying to understand you more, I can ask even more questions, in which it turned out to be like I am interrogating you, which it wasn’t. I know that now.
L, if you are reading this, I am going to step back a little, just to give you some space to breath. Please don’t think that I am leaving you, I am not. In fact, I am really jealous of how the things are now, and I really wish that you are together with me. You can come talk to me whenever you feel comfortable with; We had both agreed for a time out, so that is what it will be. You had not asked me for any protection, it is not right for me to shove it down your throat. I understand that now.
Thanks for the comforting messages that you guys sent me, it helped a lot. I am still worried, but I am going to seek help. Don’t worry for me, okay?