Overcoming a non successful relationship

In life, there are just so many if’s and we just can’t answer to all of them.

As much as I do not under­stand how did L got togeth­er with the oth­er guy, I could not under­stand it when the first time I met with L either. It was too ran­dom, too fast and too quick.

There are cer­tain lit­tle things that one must be able to see, the small lit­tle things.

If I had only left the iPod with L, if I had only give him more atten­tion instead of ask­ing him ques­tions and ques­tions, if I had only con­trol my tem­per, if I had only send him gen­tle words instead of harsh words when he’s hurt, if I had only …

I tried to put up a strong front end. I had guessed where he would be from all the con­nec­tions. I have a cou­ple of friends that had spot­ted him else­where in KL, but that does­n’t mat­ter. L wants his time out, right?

As much as I want to see him, I scared that I break down in tears. I kept on telling him that I want to remain as friends, and I am try­ing to push that boy friend feel­ing OFF from my mind, and it did not real­ly work that well.

I thought of clear­ing my mind a bit, and I man­aged to get hold of a friend of mine. He decid­ed to go to his favorite hang out place in Sun­way. I went there, and spot on, I knew I saw L. I told my friend, my ex boy friend is there, I don’t know if I can face it. I don’t know if HE can face it. I don’t know if his boy friend is as pos­ses­sive as me would be able to face it too.

I called, and it was con­firmed L. I went off. My friend of mine got pissed off because I was the one that asked him out, and I have to send him back now.

I send a sms to L, and L said they are all cool about it. I tried to make an excuse that I want to meet his friend, the younger one. L knew I was just using that as an excuse, spot on again.

I drank the first 4 bot­tles, I kept on brush­ing away the irri­tat­ing beer lady away because I want to be alone, and well she just want to make me buy more beer by drink­ing mine.

So, L was there for a while to chat with me, then he went off, I called him back again, and he went off again.

I got a lit­tle angry because the main rea­son I was there was to see him. Per­haps he did not want to put up the strong end, per­haps his boy friend is pres­sur­ing him. I don’t know. I let it go, and I chat­ted with the chap.

Well, we did not chat much, I just need­ed a drink. I need­ed some­one to talk to and the pub envi­ron­ment is just not a good place.

I went out and gave a call to L, I know that he went to Mc Don­ald’s to get some­thing, but I did not know if he got lost or not, I was a lit­tle wor­ried. He said he was fine, but there were news of the police raid­ing premis­es and he was at some­where else.

It makes me think, why is L doing this. Why is he hang­ing out togeth­er with his work­ing boy friend in a pub who has got no time for him. It irks me that L is sleep­ing with this guy just a cou­ple of days of know­ing him. It hap­pened to same to me, and I thought that was quick.

Well, it was L’s choice, I can’t ques­tion him. The more I do, the more L would hate me. I know.

So I ordered anoth­er 5, and anoth­er 5. I got real­ly real­ly drunk. I called to L again after the place close. Before I left, I whis­pered to the chap to ask him to get back home ear­ly, and don’t drink too much. I drank his por­tion because he is hav­ing gas­tric attacks.

After 15 bot­tles of beer, you can’t pos­si­bly dri­ve home. I drove around the cor­ner, and I stopped by Mc Don­ald’s. Not that I am hop­ing L is there, but I stopped there because that was the safest place I can find.

I called L, I sent him a cou­ple of mes­sages. He got angry, I think. I was drunk, I was talk­ing about my true heart feel­ings. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know what did I say. I want to remain as friends, but my mind keeps on telling me to tell L that I love him and I miss him.

L said he was busy after that, I guess the boy friend had fin­ish pack­ing up and ready to leave.

I know on this day, I drove like a mani­ac down on Fed­er­al High­way back home. I did not know why did I use Fed­er­al High­way, but I just did.

I was revving my car, push­ing the car to the lim­it. I prob­a­bly bro­ken a dozen of rules just by that. Dri­ving under influ­ence, exces­sive speed, dan­ger­ous dri­ving, cut­ting lanes with no indi­ca­tor. You name it, and I got it.

I keep on ask­ing my self, SLOW DOWN, I shout­ed at myself SLOW DOWN. It won’t work.

I got back home, I start­ed call­ing peo­ple again. No one is there for me. I don’t want to call L because I know his boy friend would not be hap­py about it. Well, jeal­ousy for starters.

Then, one of my best pal came online. I blurt­ed to him, that I am drunk, get him to call me. I am amazed that he rec­og­nized what I was typ­ing, and he called.

I talk to him on the phone for near­ly 2 hours. He was real­ly being nice, just by lis­ten­ing. Some­one that I need, just to lis­ten. My bad because I should be the one call­ing, not him.

I went out again, still under the influence.

Unfor­tu­nate­ly this time, right out­side my house, there was a police road block. I was pulled by the side. I tried to call to L while squat­ting at the road side, I did not know why the fuck did I do that, he is prob­a­bly already sleep­ing. Per­haps they are mak­ing love togeth­er, fuck I don’t want to think about it.

Long sto­ry short, I had not much sleep. I am now at the office, and I still feel the alco­hol rush­ing my heart­beat. It does­n’t mat­ter. Because for all I know, I have already let out every­thing that I need to let out. I just need some­one to lis­ten to me, my friend already did that.

Whether I can get over L or not, it is still too ear­ly to tell. L is some­one that can be beside me, some­one that appre­ci­ate me, some­one that is dear­ly to me. It is hard to find this kind of per­son. Like I have said, if I had tak­en much afford to find out what L wants from me, it would not be this way. I am just too ‘kan cheong’ about him some­times, and he dis­like it and sees it the oth­er way.

As irri­tat­ing as I might sound on the phone, I am not try­ing to push us being togeth­er, L. I know if I force it, it would not be nice to both of our rela­tion­ship. Peo­ple say you speak the truth when you are drunk. I agree. I think I need to give that friend a call again to see what I have blurt­ed out for 2 hours.

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