My Worries

There are no words that I can put in a sen­tence to describe how much I love L.

When he did not return my calls or SMS, I got real­ly wor­ried. I said was wor­ried of his safe­ty. In real­i­ty, I was wor­ried about some­thing else.

L is a per­son that could be eas­i­ly influ­enced by some­one. After what had hap­pened, it only assure me more that I have to pro­tect L, and love him more than I ever could.

You see, when I met L, sex was very eas­i­ly obtained. I was wor­ried that this would hap­pen again.

When L said that he is in a pub with a friend, I do not know which group of friends that he is with. Could it be his school friends? Could it be some oth­er friends that he had met some­where else? I was worried.

True enough, I found out that L was with a guy, and they had spend the night at the guy’s house. My imag­i­na­tion went to the wildest, but I was sad deep inside. I did not know what to do, and I blurt­ed did they had sex. Hes­i­tant­ly, L said no.

Feel­ing a lit­tle of relieve, I was con­fused about L’s reply. Why did he hestitated.

I know he is see­ing some­one, but he deny that they are offi­cial­ly togeth­er. The things that they do, going out all the time, overnight with each oth­er just does­n’t match the bill of ‘see­ing someone’.

I was real­ly sad. At myself for start. I had always ques­tioned him what he had done, what this, what that. Exact­ly what his fam­i­ly would do to him and exact­ly what he dislike.

Work always push my tem­per to the lim­it, and some­times L would come in at the wrong time, and it went over­board. I have hurt him so much, that the hurt has become a hate for me. L hates me because I am always angry at him, L hates me because I am always ask­ing him questions.

I knew this long ago. I have tried to change. I told myself not to get angry at L, no mat­ter what he did. I did try that, and it worked a cou­ple of times, but I guess time just was­n’t on my side for me to prove it to L that I tru­ly love him.

That night, I did some­thing real­ly sil­ly. I was hell over­dose alright, it only kicked me into uncon­scious­ness but did not real­ly kill me. I was sil­ly, and I am glad noth­ing hap­pened to me.

When I woke up this morn­ing, I assure myself that I must now treat L as my trea­sure, pro­tect­ing it from harms way. In order to do that, I have to do some­thing about myself first.

L, if you are read­ing this, I real­ly hoped that you would change your mind, and give me that one last chance that I need to show you how much I love you.

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