Love is just complicated sometimes

As much as I would like things to work out togeth­er between us, things are just not the way that we always want them to be.

I am wor­ried that things might not work out between us, not the rela­tion­ship part, but rather the whole ‘stay­ing in Sin­ga­pore’ part. Per­haps in L’s mind, I am mak­ing this deci­sion because I want­ed to be with him. Well, par­tial­ly because I real­ly want­ed to be with him. Anoth­er part of me just want­ed to leave Malaysia for good, or the longest pos­si­ble time, if possible.

We have decid­ed to cut our cost to the min­i­mal in Sin­ga­pore. Cut­ting out room rents and etc.

A cou­ple of friends had advised me to drop the idea and stop being such a char­i­ty. They think that I have a mind­set that I would expect some­thing in return. Peo­ple said that high­er expec­ta­tions would lead to high­er dis­ap­point­ment when things fails. I beg to dif­fer. I say high­er expec­ta­tions would give high­er sat­is­fac­tion when things worked out.

I am still afraid. I am afraid that I might fail sur­viv­ing in Sin­ga­pore. I am afraid of leav­ing my com­fort zone here in Malaysia. My very own home, my own fam­i­ly and what not. Then again, I real­ly want to explore. I had want­ed to go to Sin­ga­pore for the longest time ever. L being there is par­tial­ly the rea­son why I am mak­ing this dras­tic change in my life.

I say that love is com­pli­cat­ed because we do not know how things are being devel­oped into. There is no archi­tect plans or any­thing that we can fol­low and make minor adjust­ments that we encounter dur­ing the struc­ture build­ing. There are no blue prints to fol­low, no pro­fes­sion­al cer­tifi­cates that you can obtain.

I want­ed to see if he is will­ing to leave his com­fort zone him­self to work things out him­self. I was wor­ried because he said that he would take a part time, but kept on drag­ging it since the start. He promised that he would take a part time in Sin­ga­pore but view­ing it from this side of the road is real­ly giv­ing me doubts. I felt that some­times he needs to be push a lit­tle, but I was afraid that I might be push­ing him till the extend of shov­ing him with things that he do not want to do. I can’t kept on test­ing things on him because L is not a lab rat, noth­ing close.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me. 
So won’t you kill me? 
So I die happy. 
My heart is yours to fill or burst, 
to break or bury, or wear as jewelry. 
Whichev­er you prefer.

The words are hushed, “let’s not get busted.” 
Just lay entwined here, undiscovered. 
Safe in here from all the stu­pid questions. 
“Hey did you get some?” 
Man that is so dumb. 
Stay qui­et, stay near, stay close, they can’t hear. 
So we can get some.

Hands Down by Dash­board Confessional.


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