Feeling guilty

I know my love life has been very com­pli­cat­ed. Since my child­hood, I had not many com­pa­ny. My clos­est friend is stay­ing away from me because of work, and per­haps because he is also feel­ing guilty for bor­row­ing so much mon­ey from me and not able to return back to me, but that is anoth­er story.

When I am with the boy, our rela­tion­ship has been up and down. More on the down side, because we exchange words that we regret after that. I agree that my tem­per has been a major set down on what things has become, and I can­not blame the boy for that.

How com­pli­cat­ed can things be, one might ask.

Well, since April, I have been think­ing of mov­ing on, find anoth­er part­ner, anoth­er lover and some­one that I can put my atten­tion to. Just a cou­ple of days back, I man­age to find this some­one, and then the boy told me that he found his new love, I don’t know why, but I broke down in tears.

A cou­ple days lat­er today, I real­ized that I am not being fair to my new boy friend.

Why ? Because I have showed my boy that I still think of L, I still miss him, and I cried for him. Tears just would not stop gush­ing out from the side of my eyes.

The boy’s com­put­er is still lying on the floor. I have replaced the moth­er­board and the proces­sor, but I have yet to rein­stall Microsoft Win­dows for him. I dare not touch the machine, I do not want to because I know if I do, I will start think­ing of him.

My room is full of mem­o­ries of the boy, that I some­times dare not step in to my room. The shirt that the boy choose for me, the pants that we choose togeth­er, the col­or of the shirt that both of us liked. The pic­ture frame that I have of him in front of my com­put­er, the hard disk full of pic­tures that I have of the boy, almost every sin­gle thing that I do, I think of the boy.

I am try­ing to move on, I recent­ly found a boy that I have inter­est with. I was­n’t sure if I am being fair to him or not, because I still miss the boy. The boy has been a very great impact in my life to me. We share every sin­gle feel­ings that we have, or at least I know I did. I am still pay­ing for the boy’s stud­ies, I still want to, but I was­n’t sure if want­i­ng some­thing, is equal to doing some­thing right. You know that feel­ing, that feeling …

I miss the boy, I think he prob­a­bly had blocked me from MSN already. I saw his MSN name, some­thing in the line of “I have lose to you, I can­not not love you” or “lov­ing a per­son can be depre­ci­at­ed, love by some­one only got a lit­tle val­ue, but love and give is what I dream on.”

Was these mes­sages from the boy to me? It sure felt like it. Was it a mes­sage that he is putting in the oth­er par­ty? I don’t know. It might be, it might not be. I am con­fused, frus­trat­ed, and deeply miss­ing the boy.

For the past few days, the boy’s MSN name has been in Chi­nese. I sus­pect that his new boy friend is Chi­nese edu­cat­ed. The boy do not know how to write Chi­nese, he speaks, but not write. A lot of things has changed, sud­den­ly, I feel that the Chi­nese mes­sages were not meant for me.

Tears are start­ing to flow again…

I feel guilty for hav­ing two hearts togeth­er two dif­fer­ent per­son. The boy can give me the feel­ings that no oth­er of my ex boy friends can, the boy is almost every­thing, but not the relationship.

, , ,

4 Responses to Feeling guilty

  1. kevin September 5, 2008 at 12:06 am #

    keep cool.….…i have been thru it b4. After 5 mths it still hurts. But life must and has to go on. Take care.

  2. Dandor September 5, 2008 at 7:03 am #

    i had an expe­ri­ence like yours.

    it is real­ly bad and suf­fer. i tried to for­get him, but final­ly i know that, time is tak­en for for­get a person…

    as kevin said, life must go on. you must take a good care of your­self and your new love.

    life is great! cheers up!!!

    regards, dan­dor.

  3. kit September 6, 2008 at 1:13 am #

    as both kevin and dan­dor says, it will take some time to get over all this.

    i used to live with some­one too and when they left the house was just a trap for all the mem­o­ries. and it was a tor­ture cham­ber for me for a long time.

    i think you are caught between let­ting go of the past and want­i­ng to move on. and it is dif­fi­cult. and you are right, being with some­one new when you haven’t real­ly got­ten over your ex can be a strain on any new relationships.

    i think that it is per­fect­ly fine to let your­self cry. feel the hurt and real­ly let it out. then, pack every­thing up (or get a friend to help you) and put every reminder into a box and store it away. the feel­ings won’t go away instant­ly but at least you are not remind­ed every sec­ond. allow your­self to grief. then pull your­self togeth­er, take a deep breath and try to pick up the pieces from there.

    i have achieved a lot of clo­sure through my blog. anger, sad­ness, every­thing just let out into cyber­space. you can do that too. and judg­ing from all the nice things every­one has said here, you know that you have a great sup­port sys­tem in place here.

    take care.

  4. Paul September 6, 2008 at 3:12 pm #

    Takes a while to get well but you’ll get there 🙂 In the mean­time, go find your friends!

%d bloggers like this: