One of the hardest thing that comes in any ‘breakup package’ is the amount of tears that you are required to shred.
I had not had the hearts to leave L. I know I have always use that to threaten L and it never work, not a single once.
Me for one could not take the breakup that easily. Both of us are hard sells. He wants me to start it over again, I can’t seeing the amount of feelings that I had with him, and I certainly would not want to just ‘move on’.
There were a couple of small arguments that sparked between us for the last couple of months. I tried to doze the flame by ignoring it. L thinks that I am ignoring the issue, I think that I am just avoiding an argument.
Both of us think differently, I suspect it is because of the age, or perhaps it was the upbringing of L in his family. Getting trusts from him is like telling him it is safe to jump off a high building; it never happen. I would not be surprised that it is hard for him to not trust somebody. To him, trust is something that cannot be earned even through time. Trust is something that is awarded, somehow, somewhere.
The first couple of months when I was with L, I still had the urge to flirt with other cute young thing that comes on to my MSN once a while. L provided more than love to me, somewhere where I can rant my complains, somewhere that I put my hearts on. Most importantly, he is there when I needed someone. The urge to look for sex is just not there anymore. I have got something that is better than sex, love.
L is my 4th boy friend that I am so fond of. Not that I have many lovers to start with, but I must admit, I am not a very romantic kind of person. Words just can’t simply fly by my mind, and flatter L. All I know is to meet him up, give him a hug and a kiss and tell him how much I love him. This is what we learn from the movies, well at least the movies that I watch, but it isn’t enough.
L wanted me to chase him back again, start fresh, be friends again. How can I possible beat the feeling of ‘just friends’ when my feeling of him is a totally different world altogether? it just don’t make sense how couples can just ‘be friends’ after a breakup. It doesn’t feel right, and certainly not the right thing to do, I think.
My strategies on how to get back L is still zero, I am stuck here, and I know I will be stuck for a very long time.
For all I can remember, this is not the first time that we had the issue of breaking up. I had managed to patch things up a little, and I guess L too probably gave some slack. The situation is totally different now. It is not as simple as, “I love you baby, let’s get back together.”
It all started with that phone call that L gave me. He wanted to know why I was so eager to meet friends online. As in, the online friends that I chat with, those little buggers that don’t even bother to send me a “hi” sometimes. I am angry at myself, totally because of a jerk that I am when it comes to a voice to voice conversation. It doesn’t allow me to think. At least, in the text messaging world, it gives you a couple of minutes to construct your words together to make a good sentence.
Actually, the plan to meet up with this guy came way before L. We had plan to meet up, and probably fuck somewhere 1/2 year ago. When I met L, and got together with him, I had told the guy that I can’t do it anymore. I did tell him that if we were to meet up, I would want to bring my boy friend along, which he had hesitantly agreed.
L don’t see the way I see things. He forbids me of meeting someone new. To me, meeting someone new is interesting. I get to know people. It feels lonely sometimes when you don’t have much friends, you just need that someone to be there to rant, or to complain; stuffs that you cannot do with your lover often. L thinks otherwise, he thinks that it is not right to meet up with online friends. I can see that he was worried, but I saw that only a few moments too late. I wasn’t really in the mood of discussing why we should meet up, and why not. My mind that time wasn’t just set for that, at that time. I was being cranky.
I thought I had just save the relationship by telling L that I do not want to discuss about it, L took it the wrong way and thinks that I am avoiding it. In fact, I wasn’t. I was prepared not meet up with the guy, since the discussion between me and L took too long, the guy had went back anyway. However, this sort of discussion had to be done, for future acquaintances and etc. I thought it can be put back for a while more, I thought wrongly.
I had spend the previous night thinking about all these. Should I or should I not get him back. What about that whole ‘making new friends online’ issue? To me it did not matter anymore, because I had met the person that I have been wanting to meet online, the person that I want to end up growing old together, and getting married when the Malaysian Constitution allows gay marriages.
I cried again, thinking that I should just leave things as it is, separated. I cried myself to sleep only to wake up 3 hours later. I made up my mind that I should just leave things as it is, I sent L a message, telling him my decisions. I wanted my stuffs back, and asked him when would he be free so I can drop by, and probably say the last good bye. I too send him another message asking him if he really wanted it as in, the breakup.
I had wanted it at first. I was pissed at how L always had throw issues at me. I am pissed that he always play the ‘blame it on me game’. It’s something that I cannot deny, but I was really pissed at him.
Now that things calm down, I wanted him back. I know it was a long shot, of how I throw things around, but it just doesn’t feel right when a loving couple breakup just because of a small disagreement. I consider it as a small disagreement, because meeting up with people online is not a big deal. Hell, I have already found the person that I wanted to meet online, L.
I realized, these are the few things that I have got to tolerate sometimes. I tried, but just did not try hard enough.
I really do not know what to do now. L wants to start back fresh, as friends first and then slowly move from there.
I want to pick things up the way it is, say sorry and get on with it. I am not being pushy but I prefer to fix things up, rather than just a Ctrl+Alt+Del. I guess it is my personality. I do not want to start from friends first because I am afraid of losing L, if only I can put words into my hearts content, to tell L how truly I wish the relationship to last, and grow old together.