Breakup package

One of the hard­est thing that comes in any ‘breakup pack­age’ is the amount of tears that you are required to shred.

I had not had the hearts to leave L. I know I have always use that to threat­en L and it nev­er work, not a sin­gle once.

Me for one could not take the breakup that eas­i­ly. Both of us are hard sells. He wants me to start it over again, I can’t see­ing the amount of feel­ings that I had with him, and I cer­tain­ly would not want to just ‘move on’.

There were a cou­ple of small argu­ments that sparked between us for the last cou­ple of months. I tried to doze the flame by ignor­ing it. L thinks that I am ignor­ing the issue, I think that I am just avoid­ing an argument.

Both of us think dif­fer­ent­ly, I sus­pect it is because of the age, or per­haps it was the upbring­ing of L in his fam­i­ly. Get­ting trusts from him is like telling him it is safe to jump off a high build­ing; it nev­er hap­pen. I would not be sur­prised that it is hard for him to not trust some­body. To him, trust is some­thing that can­not be earned even through time. Trust is some­thing that is award­ed, some­how, somewhere.

The first cou­ple of months when I was with L, I still had the urge to flirt with oth­er cute young thing that comes on to my MSN once a while. L pro­vid­ed more than love to me, some­where where I can rant my com­plains, some­where that I put my hearts on. Most impor­tant­ly, he is there when I need­ed some­one. The urge to look for sex is just not there any­more. I have got some­thing that is bet­ter than sex, love.

L is my 4th boy friend that I am so fond of. Not that I have many lovers to start with, but I must admit, I am not a very roman­tic kind of per­son. Words just can’t sim­ply fly by my mind, and flat­ter L. All I know is to meet him up, give him a hug and a kiss and tell him how much I love him. This is what we learn from the movies, well at least the movies that I watch, but it isn’t enough.

L want­ed me to chase him back again, start fresh, be friends again. How can I pos­si­ble beat the feel­ing of ‘just friends’ when my feel­ing of him is a total­ly dif­fer­ent world alto­geth­er? it just don’t make sense how cou­ples can just ‘be friends’ after a breakup. It does­n’t feel right, and cer­tain­ly not the right thing to do, I think.

My strate­gies on how to get back L is still zero, I am stuck here, and I know I will be stuck for a very long time.

For all I can remem­ber, this is not the first time that we had the issue of break­ing up. I had man­aged to patch things up a lit­tle, and I guess L too prob­a­bly gave some slack. The sit­u­a­tion is total­ly dif­fer­ent now. It is not as sim­ple as, “I love you baby, let’s get back together.”

It all start­ed with that phone call that L gave me. He want­ed to know why I was so eager to meet friends online. As in, the online friends that I chat with, those lit­tle bug­gers that don’t even both­er to send me a “hi” some­times. I am angry at myself, total­ly because of a jerk that I am when it comes to a voice to voice con­ver­sa­tion. It does­n’t allow me to think. At least, in the text mes­sag­ing world, it gives you a cou­ple of min­utes to con­struct your words togeth­er to make a good sentence.

Actu­al­ly, the plan to meet up with this guy came way before L. We had plan to meet up, and prob­a­bly fuck some­where 1/2 year ago. When I met L, and got togeth­er with him, I had told the guy that I can’t do it any­more. I did tell him that if we were to meet up, I would want to bring my boy friend along, which he had hes­i­tant­ly agreed.

L don’t see the way I see things. He for­bids me of meet­ing some­one new. To me, meet­ing some­one new is inter­est­ing. I get to know peo­ple. It feels lone­ly some­times when you don’t have much friends, you just need that some­one to be there to rant, or to com­plain; stuffs that you can­not do with your lover often. L thinks oth­er­wise, he thinks that it is not right to meet up with online friends. I can see that he was wor­ried, but I saw that only a few moments too late. I was­n’t real­ly in the mood of dis­cussing why we should meet up, and why not. My mind that time was­n’t just set for that, at that time. I was being cranky.

I thought I had just save the rela­tion­ship by telling L that I do not want to dis­cuss about it, L took it the wrong way and thinks that I am avoid­ing it. In fact, I was­n’t. I was pre­pared not meet up with the guy, since the dis­cus­sion between me and L took too long, the guy had went back any­way. How­ev­er, this sort of dis­cus­sion had to be done, for future acquain­tances and etc. I thought it can be put back for a while more, I thought wrongly.

I had spend the pre­vi­ous night think­ing about all these. Should I or should I not get him back. What about that whole ‘mak­ing new friends online’ issue? To me it did not mat­ter any­more, because I had met the per­son that I have been want­i­ng to meet online, the per­son that I want to end up grow­ing old togeth­er, and get­ting mar­ried when the Malaysian Con­sti­tu­tion allows gay marriages.

I cried again, think­ing that I should just leave things as it is, sep­a­rat­ed. I cried myself to sleep only to wake up 3 hours lat­er. I made up my mind that I should just leave things as it is, I sent L a mes­sage, telling him my deci­sions. I want­ed my stuffs back, and asked him when would he be free so I can drop by, and prob­a­bly say the last good bye. I too send him anoth­er mes­sage ask­ing him if he real­ly want­ed it as in, the breakup.

I had want­ed it at first. I was pissed at how L always had throw issues at me. I am pissed that he always play the ‘blame it on me game’. It’s some­thing that I can­not deny, but I was real­ly pissed at him.

Now that things calm down, I want­ed him back. I know it was a long shot, of how I throw things around, but it just does­n’t feel right when a lov­ing cou­ple breakup just because of a small dis­agree­ment. I con­sid­er it as a small dis­agree­ment, because meet­ing up with peo­ple online is not a big deal. Hell, I have already found the per­son that I want­ed to meet online, L.

I real­ized, these are the few things that I have got to tol­er­ate some­times. I tried, but just did not try hard enough.

I real­ly do not know what to do now. L wants to start back fresh, as friends first and then slow­ly move from there.

I want to pick things up the way it is, say sor­ry and get on with it. I am not being pushy but I pre­fer to fix things up, rather than just a Ctrl+Alt+Del. I guess it is my per­son­al­i­ty. I do not want to start from friends first because I am afraid of los­ing L, if only I can put words into my hearts con­tent, to tell L how tru­ly I wish the rela­tion­ship to last, and grow old together.


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