A random post

When I am ner­vous, I tend to write a lot. Try­ing to get things off my head as far back as pos­si­ble. When I think too much, I get excit­ed, anx­ious and depres­sion then starts to kick in. It is not good for both myself, and the peo­ple that is sur­round­ing me; espe­cial­ly Lester.

If you haven notice, I have been start­ing to call L Lester in the blog. I think it is a good thing since Lester had already acknowl­edge it. I mean, there are a dozen of peo­ple with the name Lester any­ways, gay or not *smile*.

Talk­ing online with Adri­an has been some­what ‘fresh­en­ing’ and total­ly change my point of view on cer­tain aspect of life.

Adri­an is from Mela­ka. He found CedricAng.com via Google with some real­ly ‘naughty’ key­words. No, I am glad that Adri­an found me because the con­ver­sa­tion that we have are gen­uine, instead of those “hey Cedric. I like you, lets fuck tonite.” type of chats.

Lester has been cold towards the rela­tion­ship nowa­days. Per­haps he has got a lot on his mind. From his stud­ies, to his fam­i­ly, and to his love life, sex life has been treat­ing him good, I hope. Then, Adri­an asked me this sim­ple ques­tion, what is it in me that I see that is in the rela­tion­ship? How sure was I that it was­n’t sex at all (I have to admit, sex has been a very major part of the rela­tion­ship since 5 months ago)

For me, I think being in a com­pan­ion­ship with some­one is rather impor­tant, how­ev­er one could not deny the fact that men gets horny most of the time. I mean, I can’t have sex with Lester with­out him hav­ing inter­est as well, right?

Sex issues apart, I think I am putting a lot in this rela­tion­ship; I get angry with Lester a lot of times dur­ing our rela­tion­ship. There were times when I tried to make him hap­py by cheer­ing him up, and things like that. To me, being in a rela­tion­ship is to under­stand the oth­er per­son bet­ter, and as the say­ing goes, to be part of each other.

Dur­ing the course of the rela­tion­ship, I want­ed to share part of my life with L, par­tial­ly because I was­n’t too com­fort­able with the oth­er lit­tle details that no one else know about me. A cou­ple weeks after we broke up, L start­ed ask­ing me things that I was hid­ing from him. Things like what did I wrote in my notebook/diary that I have pre­vent­ed him to see, why did I stop doing that, and why this, why that.

At that time, every sin­gle secret that I have kept so dear­ly does not mat­ter to me any­more. In my state of mine, I could have just tell L upfront what is it that I am expect­ing from him, and what is it that I should stay away from. I clear­ly did not see that com­ing to me.

The time when I brought L to a par­ty togeth­er with my col­league, I had mis­tak­en that L could adapt to it com­fort­ably, until the day when L actu­al­ly walked away from me vent­ing his frus­tra­tions ‘mix­ing’ with my friends. You see, the age gap thing does play a very big role in the rela­tion­ship. It is not more about who is not under­stand­ing who, but more of the peers that one has. L is young, like 10 years younger than me. I mix with peo­ple around my age, and when I tried to intro­duce them to L, L would not be com­fort­able. Then I tried with anoth­er approach, to get to know peo­ple around the age of Lester. Nope, that did not work out well too because L then was wor­ried abut why am I mix­ing with peo­ple that are so young, he was afraid that I would leave him, and go for them, I think.

Under­stand­ing Lester is a very great task to me, I want­ed to know what is he think­ing, and what is he not. Most of the time, I am just being me, the over­ac­tive mind of mine. I in turn ask him ques­tions, loads of ques­tions and this akin his fam­i­ly. L thinks that I am inter­ro­gat­ing him, which I am not.

Things are slow­ly work­ing out between me and L. L refused to call me his boy friend, he refused to call me his lover despite the numer­ous times he told me that he love me. Only time will be able to fix this.

I have learn that I should not rush things too often. L him­self do not like to be rushed, and that is what I should learn to do.

Okay fine, I am real­ly ner­vous about the whole HIV test thing. I had want­ed to do it myself, at home. I have searched around and I have found a pos­si­ble source that could answer my search for a home test kit; and kit that can pro­vide me some assur­ance with it’s high accu­ra­cy rates. OraQuick was a prod­uct that is non intru­sive, and private.

I mean, I real­ly do not mind tak­ing tests else­where. It was­n’t the pro­ce­dure itself the scares me, it was the ‘data­base’ that I would be in if I am infected.

I had not want­ed to go to this ‘anony­mous test­ing’ cen­ter to get the test done. What if I bump into some­one that I know? The pos­si­bil­i­ties are just end­less. With the home test kit, I can be some­what sure that I am neg­a­tive and then I can get a prop­er HIV test­ing at a bet­ter facil­i­ty, the one that uses blood and all.

Well, when des­per­ate times like this comes, I guess I have to do the nec­es­sary. I am glad that Lester had decid­ed to tag along with me, as a moral sup­port in case I break down half way. Whether would L take the test or not is not nec­es­sary, at least I think not yet.

I am real­ly wor­ried about the result now, per­haps some­one can just hit me at the head and put me into a deep sleep until lat­er when it’s time to go for the test.

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One Response to A random post

  1. famezgay May 6, 2008 at 11:53 pm #

    Wei.. all the best yah.. hope you’re alright ok! 🙂

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