When I am nervous, I tend to write a lot. Trying to get things off my head as far back as possible. When I think too much, I get excited, anxious and depression then starts to kick in. It is not good for both myself, and the people that is surrounding me; especially Lester.
If you haven notice, I have been starting to call L Lester in the blog. I think it is a good thing since Lester had already acknowledge it. I mean, there are a dozen of people with the name Lester anyways, gay or not \*smile\*.
Talking online with Adrian has been somewhat ‘freshening’ and totally change my point of view on certain aspect of life.
Adrian is from Melaka. He found CedricAng.com via Google with some really ‘naughty’ keywords. No, I am glad that Adrian found me because the conversation that we have are genuine, instead of those “hey Cedric. I like you, lets fuck tonite.” type of chats.
Lester has been cold towards the relationship nowadays. Perhaps he has got a lot on his mind. From his studies, to his family, and to his love life, sex life has been treating him good, I hope. Then, Adrian asked me this simple question, what is it in me that I see that is in the relationship? How sure was I that it wasn’t sex at all (I have to admit, sex has been a very major part of the relationship since 5 months ago)
For me, I think being in a companionship with someone is rather important, however one could not deny the fact that men gets horny most of the time. I mean, I can’t have sex with Lester without him having interest as well, right?
Sex issues apart, I think I am putting a lot in this relationship; I get angry with Lester a lot of times during our relationship. There were times when I tried to make him happy by cheering him up, and things like that. To me, being in a relationship is to understand the other person better, and as the saying goes, to be part of each other.
During the course of the relationship, I wanted to share part of my life with L, partially because I wasn’t too comfortable with the other little details that no one else know about me. A couple weeks after we broke up, L started asking me things that I was hiding from him. Things like what did I wrote in my notebook/diary that I have prevented him to see, why did I stop doing that, and why this, why that.
At that time, every single secret that I have kept so dearly does not matter to me anymore. In my state of mine, I could have just tell L upfront what is it that I am expecting from him, and what is it that I should stay away from. I clearly did not see that coming to me.
The time when I brought L to a party together with my colleague, I had mistaken that L could adapt to it comfortably, until the day when L actually walked away from me venting his frustrations ‘mixing’ with my friends. You see, the age gap thing does play a very big role in the relationship. It is not more about who is not understanding who, but more of the peers that one has. L is young, like 10 years younger than me. I mix with people around my age, and when I tried to introduce them to L, L would not be comfortable. Then I tried with another approach, to get to know people around the age of Lester. Nope, that did not work out well too because L then was worried abut why am I mixing with people that are so young, he was afraid that I would leave him, and go for them, I think.
Understanding Lester is a very great task to me, I wanted to know what is he thinking, and what is he not. Most of the time, I am just being me, the overactive mind of mine. I in turn ask him questions, loads of questions and this akin his family. L thinks that I am interrogating him, which I am not.
Things are slowly working out between me and L. L refused to call me his boy friend, he refused to call me his lover despite the numerous times he told me that he love me. Only time will be able to fix this.
I have learn that I should not rush things too often. L himself do not like to be rushed, and that is what I should learn to do.
Okay fine, I am really nervous about the whole HIV test thing. I had wanted to do it myself, at home. I have searched around and I have found a possible source that could answer my search for a home test kit; and kit that can provide me some assurance with it’s high accuracy rates. OraQuick was a product that is non intrusive, and private.
I mean, I really do not mind taking tests elsewhere. It wasn’t the procedure itself the scares me, it was the ‘database’ that I would be in if I am infected.
I had not wanted to go to this ‘anonymous testing’ center to get the test done. What if I bump into someone that I know? The possibilities are just endless. With the home test kit, I can be somewhat sure that I am negative and then I can get a proper HIV testing at a better facility, the one that uses blood and all.
Well, when desperate times like this comes, I guess I have to do the necessary. I am glad that Lester had decided to tag along with me, as a moral support in case I break down half way. Whether would L take the test or not is not necessary, at least I think not yet.
I am really worried about the result now, perhaps someone can just hit me at the head and put me into a deep sleep until later when it’s time to go for the test.