I woke up in the morning today to find out that I was alone at home. I made my way to the kitchen to make myself some breakfast; there was some leftover from last night.
While breakfast was being heated up, some leftover meatballs and spaghetti, I was having that weird feeling of being alone.
I put on some movies and tried to concentrate, I can’t. Lunch time came, and the same thing happen. Cooked myself lunch, tried to sit in front of that giant LCD TV that I bought myself, but I still could not concentrate with what is going on on the TV.
Dinner was the same, this time I gave up trying to put something on the TV, and just stuffed my face with the food.
I had not logged in to my Facebook, my Twitter was left dormant. It’s not that I purposely did that. More like when I wanted to tweet about something, no one replied to me, and I find it rather depressing.
My whole life is depressing. It has been so many years since L left me, it has been so many years since I have lost contact with L. I could not find his Facebook account; his phone number mysteriously became unavailable. I tried, but I do not want to seen as a stalker stalking on the ex boy friend.
Time passed, as much as I tried to forget, the shadow oh him still lingers around. Be it a place that we used to go, be it the movie that we watched. It just reminds me of him.
I missed him, I do wish that I could see him, sit down together and have a long chat about what has been going on with his life and mine.
I wished the few encounters that I had with him, I had not chickened out and not talk with him. I could just walk over, ask him how is he and I know what kind of replies that I would get. It would be hurting because he will never want to let me care.
I did tried, you know. To be the someone that love him, to be that someone that cared.
Sometimes, I had this feeling that when we were together, it was just the sex.
It could have been that way, it seems. We were both young and horny, sex was abundance. We were almost fucking every other day. In the pool toilet, in the mall, back home and all.
I tried to move on. I have got a boy friend whom I care and I know he loves me a lot. Somehow, I still think that if this boy was L, I would have treat him with even more love and tender. It is something that I do not how to put it in words.
They say, if I do not let go of the ex boy friend, I will never get to move on. I get it now, I want to move on, I want to think of him as my past, but his words are always in my heart, those words that tells me how much I meant to him, how much he love me, and how he would love me. On the other side, I want to move on with another person, a person that I want to be together with, but I can’t. How can I not do this? I declare defeat, please let me move on already.
That feeling strike, that dreaded ‘being alone’ feeling. No one was around. Whatsapp is empty, no one replied to my SMS. I did not want to bother other people on what seem to be a lovely Saturday morning. But deep inside, I was alone, lonely and I wanted to try.
I tried to stop my tears from flowing, that feeling was unbearable. Being alone, you want to shout, you want to talk to someone; you just want yourself to be heard.