I woke up in the morn­ing today to find out that I was alone at home. I made my way to the kitchen to make myself some break­fast; there was some left­over from last night.

While break­fast was being heat­ed up, some left­over meat­balls and spaghet­ti, I was hav­ing that weird feel­ing of being alone.

I put on some movies and tried to con­cen­trate, I can’t. Lunch time came, and the same thing hap­pen. Cooked myself lunch, tried to sit in front of that giant LCD TV that I bought myself, but I still could not con­cen­trate with what is going on on the TV.

Din­ner was the same, this time I gave up try­ing to put some­thing on the TV, and just stuffed my face with the food.

I had not logged in to my Face­book, my Twit­ter was left dor­mant. It’s not that I pur­pose­ly did that. More like when I want­ed to tweet about some­thing, no one replied to me, and I find it rather depressing.

My whole life is depress­ing. It has been so many years since L left me, it has been so many years since I have lost con­tact with L. I could not find his Face­book account; his phone num­ber mys­te­ri­ous­ly became unavail­able. I tried, but I do not want to seen as a stalk­er stalk­ing on the ex boy friend.

Time passed, as much as I tried to for­get, the shad­ow oh him still lingers around. Be it a place that we used to go, be it the movie that we watched. It just reminds me of him.

I missed him, I do wish that I could see him, sit down togeth­er and have a long chat about what has been going on with his life and mine.

I wished the few encoun­ters that I had with him, I had not chick­ened out and not talk with him. I could just walk over, ask him how is he and I know what kind of replies that I would get. It would be hurt­ing because he will nev­er want to let me care.

I did tried, you know. To be the some­one that love him, to be that some­one that cared.

Some­times, I had this feel­ing that when we were togeth­er, it was just the sex.

It could have been that way, it seems. We were both young and horny, sex was abun­dance. We were almost fuck­ing every oth­er day. In the pool toi­let, in the mall, back home and all.

I tried to move on. I have got a boy friend whom I care and I know he loves me a lot. Some­how, I still think that if this boy was L, I would have treat him with even more love and ten­der. It is some­thing that I do not how to put it in words.

They say, if I do not let go of the ex boy friend, I will nev­er get to move on. I get it now, I want to move on, I want to think of him as my past, but his words are always in my heart, those words that tells me how much I meant to him, how much he love me, and how he would love me. On the oth­er side, I want to move on with anoth­er per­son, a per­son that I want to be togeth­er with, but I can’t. How can I not do this? I declare defeat, please let me move on already.

That feel­ing strike, that dread­ed ‘being alone’ feel­ing. No one was around. What­sapp is emp­ty, no one replied to my SMS. I did not want to both­er oth­er peo­ple on what seem to be a love­ly Sat­ur­day morn­ing. But deep inside, I was alone, lone­ly and I want­ed to try.

I tried to stop my tears from flow­ing, that feel­ing was unbear­able. Being alone, you want to shout, you want to talk to some­one; you just want your­self to be heard.


3 Responses to Lonely

  1. shane July 17, 2011 at 9:42 am #

    Pret­ty much the same thing hap­pen to me rite now,except the exbf n bf thingy. Stay strong there buddy

  2. Booya July 17, 2011 at 11:04 pm #

    I miss your sex sto­ries… any­thing inter­est­ing to share ;D

  3. Zeltish July 21, 2011 at 11:16 pm #

    I know what you mean Cedric. Stay strong. I under­stand how the empti­ness kills you with­in. I under­stand how a mere won­der­ful dream of talk­ing to him that look so sur­re­al but crushed at the peel of the eye­lid in the morn­ing made me cry for over an hour. I know how it feels to actu­al­ly cry till my eyes bleed. Stay strong.

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