It rained again.

Again, it is always the rain that would put me into deep thoughts.

It feels like the rain might have some super power over me I don’t know.

I was having a conversation with David, when he told me that he already got a boy friend now. I should have thought better.

Reading Apollo David’s post on being kind, I felt the same situation is bestow upon me.

David had wanted to continue his studies after his secondary school. I felt the moment of me and The Boy hunting for higher education all over again. David himself was a little confused with the courses that are being offered. I helped a little, and added even more confusion. I had a slight idea that might help David, I suggested to him.

When we were about to enroll himself, he reluctantly said that he want to check out the other places, and also to confirm these with his parents. So we stopped at there.

Some events happened in between. David’s parents wanted him to go to Form 6, David wanted to continue on media studies, conflicts.

David moved out, he told me that he went to his friend’s place to stay. I had suspect the friend might be someone that I am afraid that he might be, I kept quiet.

The ‘friend’ had suggested that David continue his studies at some unknown Chinese institution. The ‘friend’ also suggest that David work himself in retail.

Firstly, David hates retail. Long hours, and low pay. Plus the standing, and etc.

His ‘friend’ managed to persuade David into working retail. When I asked David, I found out that the friend is a mid 30s, working in retail.

The ‘friend’ managed to brainwash David. Two things for sure. First, to enroll himself in a second rated institution, and secondly to work in a place where expenses might be even higher than the salary itself.

All these while, I was afraid that David might be cheated by someone. Like a lost sheep.

Even though the day had not come, I am beginning to feel it that way.

Oh, David also got fucked by the ‘friend’ and they are both ‘lovers’ now. How convenient.

Sigh, the more you care, you really worry even more.

Why do I care so much ? Because I do not want history to repeat itself. David, it’s time to realize who are your friends!

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It has been three days since I have heard from Harry. The last time I talked with him was when he was on his way back to his hometown (school holidays and all) and he finally had time to get online. He did not mention anything much, and I thought everything is fine.

On Tuesday, Harry finally replied to my numerous messages that I have sent. He said that he was busy with school and such, thats why he had been ‘away’ for the weekend. His text messages were slow, and very unusual.

The then reveal that he was also busy, and wanted to be alone with his boy friend.

I was surprised.

To further my already surprised state of mine, Harry told me that he want to cut contacts with me because he do not feel good about us being friends.

I am not sure what had triggered Harry, but he sent me a text message saying “Point is, let’s just cut contact with each other. All d best. Bye”

I called Harry on his mobile. No answer. I tried again and Harry answered.

I was trying to find out was it because of the sex that we had that he wanted to this. Not forgetting that the boy done this to me before, and I was then not sure what I should be doing.

Harry’s boy friend was beside him, and snatch the phone from Harry.

“I know who are you. You don’t disturb my boyfriend, I know all about you Cedric. CedricAng.com isn’t it? I know”

I wasn’t surprised. To know something that is publicly known, and the person thinks he knows me. For all he knows, he probably knows jackshit, and tries to brainwash Harry into thinking that I am a bad person. I don’t care.

I continue talking with Harry, still reluctant with his decisions, he wanted it to end that way.

I guess, I have to respect him, for one, because I treat him as a friend, and secondly I really do not want him to feel uncomfortable because of what had happen.

It was my mistake. I should not have done that without thinking about the repercussion of the things that might happen because sex is involved.

Yes, the sex session was pleasant, but I think after that, I could sense that Harry regret the decision. Back then, I did not think much about it.

Harry said in a text message “I just don’t feel nice. That’s it. Besides my bf doesn’t want me to befriend any gay friends.”

We had plan to have a eat in lunch at my place and I will be cooking. I know that Harry likes carbonara, and I had bought everything.

I guess, sometimes we could not understand how a human being would thing. Perhaps we should not try to predict the future too much, because everything that you do now, always and will influence the outcome in the future.

Just like me and Harry, just because both of us were horny at that time, we fucked.

The consequences is that I have lost a great buddy, a good friend. If I was given the choice to take back what I have done, I would have done so.

I do not know Harry that well for that long period of time. The truth is, I like Harry a lot, not sexually, but personally as a friend, and a good buddy.

I guess, this teaches us a lesson, to always keep our dick in our pants.

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Skating rink, I love them, I hate them.

It was one of those days when I was at Pyramid Ice. I captured this picture with my iPhone, and thought the guy was pretty good looking.

I don’t know, but I have been always in the liking for someone that is younger than me. My friends say that I like them you, I guess.

I had always loved the skating rink. It was my second time on the rink, I think. It looked so easy when you see people young and old gliding on the ice gracefully. My first time, it was slippery, nevermind that. The grooves that those people make on the ice, felt right to my legs. Why can’t people build softer skating shoes? Perhaps that way, I don’t feel the grooves on the ice?

It was a weird feeling, a feeling that I did not remember from my first time skating at Pyramid Ice.

I still remember the first time, after so many times of persuading that the boy need to do, that I went over to the rink, with him and another friend. The boy gave the excuse that we can finally hold hands in public, which is a very much given excuse, ever since my fondness of public display of affection.

After that much persuasion I finally gave in, and with another friend, we went to the skating rink.

The stinky shoes, the chill from the ice, the soggy gloves.

I finally did it. I was on the ice. The boy hold me by my hand, slowly dragging me. I tried to slide on the ice myself, and to no avail, I felt like my world been shaking too much, I can’t stand still on my feet.

There it was, the fall. Right smack center of that 2 butt cheeks. I felt the ice cracking until the skin of my pants, I really did.

I sat there on the ice, unspoken. Still traumatized from the fall. The fear that I feared the most.

It was those feeling where you wanted to shout out loud, but there’s something that is blocking your vocal cords. It was the same feeling that I had last time, when I fell down from the bicycle on the way to school.

I do admire people that can skate very well. I admire that they do not have the phobia of falling down like I did. I know damn well that, without this falling sensation, I too can be very good at it. I love the carefree movements, I love the speed and I love the sensation of wind rubbing against the hair.

Of course, the boy picked me up after that. He was worried. He kept on asking me if I was alright, but I can’t answer him. Just kept on nodding to him, and he then took me the the bench.

He hold me tight, worried about what had happened. I can see it from his eyes that he had regret dragging me to the skating rink despite my protest. I wish I could tell him it was alright, and that I do not blame him.

We hugged, for once at the bench at the skating rink compound, in the public eyes, we hugged.

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On the faithful Saturday, we were supposed to catch a musical play. I mean, we haven done that before, and I thought it would be something new for us, something nice and something different. Looking at the clock, barely 3 more hours before I pick him up, waiting anxiously and watching the clock tick.

Then, my ex boy friend called me and need me to help him something. His computer had got problems, and I thought of giving him that helping hand. I told my boy friend about it, just as a habit of letting him know my whereabouts.

A few minutes later, a really concerned boy friend called me on the cell, I sort of anticipated something like this would happen, but me being wordless, could not explain to him in proper words that nothing is going to happen. He asked me why do I need to help him, he said he thought I have cut off contacts with my ex boy friend, he asked me why am I doing this, and do thing that.

I thought we were over all these already. I mean, I trust him enough to let him go out with his gay friends, and nothing like last time would happen again. Why can’t he trust me with my ex boy friend? Besides, I am going to see him later in the evening, sex is definitely not the issue here anymore, right ?

I was wrong, he misunderstood my intention of going over to my ex boy friend’s place.

Perhaps I should not have told him that I was going to his place. But I don’t want him to feel cheated later on if he do find out. It was really something that I don’t know what to do.

It is almost 2 days now. He still have not replied to my SMS that I have sent him on both of his number. His phone is unreachable, I don’t know if it was done on purpose seeing that his phone has got major problems.

It wasn’t the first time that we quarrel like this. I hate it when it happens.

Why can’t we just get along? I mean, the movies that we went were great. The time that we spent not in argument was fantastic. Why now, why this?

I don’t understand. Perhaps the boy was being insecure because I am going out with one of my ex. I mean yes my ex has got every reason to seduce me with his looks and charms, but I am way over him already. We rarely talk to each other, and he only calls me when he need help with something that he knows I can help him. I would definitely not going back to him for sex, that’s for sure.

Why can’t we just have a little more trust between ourselves. Why can’t we just have a little more trust between ourselves? Why can’t we just use the little things that we do that makes ourselves happy as a consolation to mend our sorrow hearts? When will I learn to care about how he felt about the things I said?

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I met up with Lester just now; we had a small argument, and I prefer to talk with him face to face instead of just exchanging words on MSN, things can get really ugly when you chat on MSN, sometimes.

So, I went over to pick up L, he got to go back for dinner by 8, and I picked him up by 7. Reached home about 15 minutes later, and we started talking about issues that we are facing.

We exchanged kisses and hugs, and then when I wanted to send him home, it was too late; 5 minutes before 8. He then suggested we eat out, something light and easy.

After our quickie dinner, when I was sending L home, K2 called me and ask for a meet up. Well K2 had been wanting to meet up with me, saying that he had something to talk to me. I wasn’t sure what was it as he refused to tell me on the phone, but he did hinted that it was something to do with Lester.

On the other day, after I went out with Lester to go around KL, and lost my phone, K2 had tried to called me and could not get me. He was worried and concern and left a message on my MSN. I tried to call him back but he is always in a meeting.

K2 is a good friend, I must agree. When I went to the pub last time, K2 knew about my problems with Lester, and he had always been there to listen to be and hear me out. He is a guy that every person would want, unbiased and always there to listen. L had warned me about me approaching his friends, in this case, I think the relationship between K2 and me, are still at the border line, without me crossing over to the other side.

So I picked up K2 after dropping L back home. L knows that I am going out with K2, as I told him that I was going to, trying to be as transparent as I can so that Lester do not misunderstand our relationship.

When I met K2, we started chatting. I had to lie to K2 that I have not seen L for a very long time, although we did exchange a couple of SMS, and that’s about it. It was something that Lester would have wanted, not letting anyone know about our relationship, I thought it was fair too, since L and K2 are friends, and K2 works very closely with K, the person who was dating L the other time.

I had not know that L had broke up with K. Lester would not have told me if we had not had that fight the other time. It seems like I seem to find out things about L whenever we argue about something else, and this is definately not healthy at all.

Further, I had come to an understanding that ‘winning’ is not always the solution. Sometimes I just agree to what L said, and put the issue to the back of my mind.

L told me that K had dumped him, for another person, another person that L himself know. Ironically, this person that K went after, is also a person that I know for a couple of hours; I had fetched him from Wangsa Maju, to the pub to meet with K2. I later found out from K2, after our outing together just a few hours ago. No wonder K2 is angry at K. K had betrayed L’s trust, and had betrayed K2′s friendship. The guy that K going after, also has got a boy friend. Man, this is getting really complicated that I myself could not comprehend.

I guess, this is what they call as the ‘gay circle’.

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