Cedric Ang

As I sit myself on the plane, doing something out of my routine I was reflecting on my goals and achievements that I have done throughout the year.

It was just moments ago before I leave the hotel room to Incheon, that I weigh myself on the scale. I gained another 5kg of weight. It was nothing unusual, really.

Come every December, it seems to be the month where I gain some weight. Perhaps due to the kinda depression that I have to go through, or perhaps it was due to the holiday and year end. I would like to think that it was because of the holiday, but deep inside, I know it was because I miss The Boy.

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I do not know when, but when I last sent The Boy a one-sided short text message, I did not receive a delivery report. No replies, no delivery report, nothing. This was back in 2010.

A few days back, as I was browsing on my Whatsapp, I saw a familiar number that was on Whatsapp. It was The Boy’s number; I have kept his number till date, not wanting to remove it from my address book, not wanting to remove him.

Ironic, I am still not able to get him on Facebook, he has just vanished.

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For as far as I remembered, The Boy and I have not been contacting each other for at least a year. The last time that I have actually contacted him was actually a one sided sms message to him wishing him a happy birthday.

It is ironic so to speak, to have two ex boy friends that shares the same birth date. At least one of the consolation that I have that another ex is younger than the other.

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I could not put myself together to clean up the bulk of things that I kept in the store.

It was the memories; memories of you in my heart for that short period of time that we were together.

Remember the time when I went over to your place, and then we started sending text messages to each other expressing our interest? Remember the time when you sneak out from school to come see me because you said you miss seeing me?

It was never easy letting you go; I have learn that sometimes it is always best to let things go in order for us to continue moving forward.

Looking back at the things that was in the store made me thinking. What was it that made us together despite our differences.

I can’t find a reason.

It’s time now, to let it all go.

Maybe you still have a small spot in my heart, but for now, I think I still have space to store things up under my bed.

Christmas is supposed to be a happy thing, a joyful thing.

Ever since the breakup with The Boy, Christmas has never been the same.

Merry Christmas to all, and especially to you, my boy.

There again I was contemplating if I should call The Boy or at least sent him a short message.

I could not get myself to do it. The last time I tried, I got a “Anything? I am busy” reply from him and that feeling totally sucks.

I was at Hannah Tan’s concert at The Garden’s ballroom. Alone.

I brought a gift, a gift that I thought would make some boy happy. I registered myself, and pass the staff my gift and proceed to the ballroom where Hannah Tan was going to sing.

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Sitting by the balcony, sipping on the ice cooled coffee listening to the beats of DJ Fuze on Hitz I began pondering about the events that happened.

“Dear, I just reached Subang Jaya station. You can come pick me up now.”

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Is this the New Year or just another night?
Is this the new fear or just another fright?
Is this the new tear or just another desperation?

Is this the finger or just another fist?
Is this the kingdom or just a hit n’ miss?
I miss direction most in all this desperation

Is this what they call freedom?
Is this what you call pain?
Is this what they call discontented fame?

It’ll be a day like this one
When the world caves in, when the world caves in

I’m singing this one like a broken piece of glass
From broken hearts and broken noses in the back
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?

You push until you’re shoving
You bend until you break
Do you stand on the broken fields where our fathers lay?

It’ll be a day like this one
When the world caves in, when the world caves in

Is nothing here worth saving?
Is no one here at all?
Is there any net left that could break our fall?

It’ll be a day like this one
When the sky falls down and the hungry
And poor and deserted are found

Are you discontented?
Have you been pushing hard?
Have you been throwing down this broken house of cards?

Is there nothing left now? Nothing left to sing
Are there any left who haven’t kissed the enemy?
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?

Yeah, does justice never find you?
Do the wicked never lose?
Is there any honest song to sing besides these blues?

And nothing is okay
Till the world caves in, until the world caves in.

I thought I would have forgotten him, but the incident on a Saturday night in Kuala Lumpur just proves how much I still care about him, and how much I really missed him.

It was that time when I was walking in to the club, hoping to see some random cute boys that I stumbled upon a familiar face.

It was him, the boy that I was crying for for the past one and a half years, the boy that I had put my everything, the boy that I missed so much, that I still have his pictures on my computer desktop.

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So that MIA thinggy did not actually go that far.

I could not explain why, but of recent, I have seldom think about The Boy. Yes, no more sleepless night, crying thinking of him and stuff. I am glad, for once because I think I have finally conquered the feeling of letting The Boy go.

Then, there is Harry that comes into picture.

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