Cedric Ang

Christmas is supposed to be a happy thing, a joyful thing.

Ever since the breakup with The Boy, Christmas has never been the same.

Merry Christmas to all, and especially to you, my boy.

There again I was contemplating if I should call The Boy or at least sent him a short message.

I could not get myself to do it. The last time I tried, I got a “Anything? I am busy” reply from him and that feeling totally sucks.

I was at Hannah Tan’s concert at The Garden’s ballroom. Alone.

I brought a gift, a gift that I thought would make some boy happy. I registered myself, and pass the staff my gift and proceed to the ballroom where Hannah Tan was going to sing.

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Sitting by the balcony, sipping on the ice cooled coffee listening to the beats of DJ Fuze on Hitz I began pondering about the events that happened.

“Dear, I just reached Subang Jaya station. You can come pick me up now.”

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Is this the New Year or just another night?
Is this the new fear or just another fright?
Is this the new tear or just another desperation?

Is this the finger or just another fist?
Is this the kingdom or just a hit n’ miss?
I miss direction most in all this desperation

Is this what they call freedom?
Is this what you call pain?
Is this what they call discontented fame?

It’ll be a day like this one
When the world caves in, when the world caves in

I’m singing this one like a broken piece of glass
From broken hearts and broken noses in the back
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?

You push until you’re shoving
You bend until you break
Do you stand on the broken fields where our fathers lay?

It’ll be a day like this one
When the world caves in, when the world caves in

Is nothing here worth saving?
Is no one here at all?
Is there any net left that could break our fall?

It’ll be a day like this one
When the sky falls down and the hungry
And poor and deserted are found

Are you discontented?
Have you been pushing hard?
Have you been throwing down this broken house of cards?

Is there nothing left now? Nothing left to sing
Are there any left who haven’t kissed the enemy?
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?

Yeah, does justice never find you?
Do the wicked never lose?
Is there any honest song to sing besides these blues?

And nothing is okay
Till the world caves in, until the world caves in.

I thought I would have forgotten him, but the incident on a Saturday night in Kuala Lumpur just proves how much I still care about him, and how much I really missed him.

It was that time when I was walking in to the club, hoping to see some random cute boys that I stumbled upon a familiar face.

It was him, the boy that I was crying for for the past one and a half years, the boy that I had put my everything, the boy that I missed so much, that I still have his pictures on my computer desktop.

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So that MIA thinggy did not actually go that far.

I could not explain why, but of recent, I have seldom think about The Boy. Yes, no more sleepless night, crying thinking of him and stuff. I am glad, for once because I think I have finally conquered the feeling of letting The Boy go.

Then, there is Harry that comes into picture.

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Well, I too not too sure what is going on with myself lately.

To think about the boy, makes me cry.

To think about home, makes me lonely.

To think about going out and take some pictures, my camera is at the bottom of a crocodile infested river in Chiang Mai.

To think about having sex with a stranger in Central Park, then I am scared of this.

So how?

I woke up early today. Really early.

I could not sleep. Insomnia has got the best of me. That’s not just it, flashback of our moments with the boy hit me hard again, till I almost kneel down to my knees begging it to stop.

I want to cry it out, loud if I could, but I can’t. Streak of tears just kept on falling because it knows I miss the boy very much.

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