I could not sleep. Insomnia has got the best of me. That’s not just it, flashback of our moments with the boy hit me hard again, till I almost kneel down to my knees begging it to stop.

I want to cry it out, loud if I could, but I can’t. Streak of tears just kept on falling because it knows I miss the boy very much.

The more I look at my Facebook, the more unhappy I become. I don’t look at Facebook much nowadays because it kept on reminding me of the fear that I have.

Just this afternoon while I was munching on the green apples that I have cut, I saw a profile adding the boy to his Facebook.

Is this the guy that everyone is talking about? Is this the person that people has been telling me that is fucking with my ex boy friend, my boy? Is this the person that took over my ‘duty’ satisfying the boy? Can he?

Questions and questions starting to appear in my mind.

I am not sure if I can get over it, I mean it has been so darn long that the boy has not contacted me. I on the other hand do not want to disturb him because the boy told me he do not want to hear from me. Perhaps, the boy misses me, perhaps not.

I check on the boy’s blog everyday. Hoping that he would update his blog. It has been vacant since last year, my hope of getting to know the boy’s well being just shattered like that, with barrier after barrier blocking my progress.

I sometimes do wonder, if the boy actually still thinks of me. He did say that he wants to cut off all contacts because he wants to move on. He could not without thinking about me. I was somehow flattered, but thinking it to myself, isn’t it better if we had not choose to breakup?

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That was what he told me when I first showed him the boy’s picture over the Internet. I had slowly gotten over the whole break-up thing, but I wasn’t still sure that I have put the boy aside, and continue with what is going on what is in front of me.

I supposed I cannot forget the fact that I can easily fall in love, even back in my heart, I still think about the boy, all the time.

It was a guy that I have known for a very long time, residing in the state of Johore. We had not spoken for a very long time, until some form of incident that bought us together. We got pretty close chatting online recently and had decided to meet up.

“Hey, lets go for a movie or something, we can go after school, if that is alright with you. How about Time Square, it’s convenient for both of us, right?”

Indeed, we met up that day, and my heart melted looking at the charming boy standing in front of me. It was that time that David sent him a sms, saying that he would be coming over to KL. David, the name reminds me of something, someone that I had really adore and cared for back in the days. David oh David.

Harry gave David my mobile so that David could contact me to arrange a meet up when he gets to KL.

Harry came over to my house that day.

“Hey, your ex seriously looks like David. Seriously!”

Harry was commenting about the pictures that I had sitting on my desk, the pictures that I always stared at mesmerized about the boy; the pictures that I often look at, and then say hi to Mr Tears. The pictures that will always remind me of the sweet memories between me and the boy, our love, our passion, and hatred.

At some point of time, I fell in love with David already. Without looking at his pictures, without knowing much about him.

At the same time, I felt disgusted.

The mixed feelings were actually in fact that David is a sexually deprived person. Now, perhaps that wasn’t a bad thing for me, because as horny as a boy can be, the better for the relationship because sex is going to be abundant and if not, fulfilling. I wasn’t sure but I guess I wasn’t ready to accept the fact that David might have been ‘fucking’ around, I mean, what else can a hormone charged teenager do, in a small town in Johore, if not looking for sex all the time, everywhere?

Harry told me that he did it with David before. Twice or thrice, but that wasn’t the point. The point is that David just want it in, with pleasure. I guess, like they say, sex is always fun, and fulfilling if you are going to have it with someone that you like, or cared about. By the way, perhaps it was one of the times where I fell in love with Harry even more.

Something went wrong in our exchange of text messages. David suddenly told me that he would not want to continue to talk to me. I did in fact told David that I dislike certain things that most gay people do, the ‘height & weight’ interrogation. He got so pissed off perhaps with my bad choice of words, he scolded me, and called me crazy.

There and then, my heart felt like sinking to the depths of Titanic. It hit the ocean floor so hard, waves and waves of tears came attacking that already gloomy night as aftershocks.

I text Harry, I said, never had I felt so in love with someone that I have not met, someone that I might not want to fuck, and someone that is as charming as David.

I don’t know at which point, but Harry asked me to let it go, perhaps try it another time, perhaps never.

My heart still imprisoned in the bottom of the cold dark ocean.

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Yes, maybe I do not know how to put things in words. Maybe I am just confused of the certain feelings that I have right now, maybe it was just nothing.

His voice still echoes deep inside. I could still hear him saying things to me. Was it just my imagination, or just merely because I missed him so much?

It has been almost a year that we both break up officially. It was also the time where the boy had hitched a ride and went home with someone. It was the time when I heard news about the boy not going back home, and I cried and cried because I had missed him so damn much.

I do not know why, but my feelings in such way is only the first time towards the boy. I had no problem letting my other boy friends go, no matter how much we claimed to be in love with each other. I sometimes wasn’t sure if it was the companionship that me and the boy both had, or it was the sex that was so great.

Listening to the songs in my iPhone do not make things much more easier for me. When my song list goes to the song “Shake It” by Metrostation, I think about how I make fun of the song. When my song list goes to “Sorry, Blame it on me” by Akon, I think about how the boy had talked about the meaning of the song, about the story behind it. I listen to Britney and I will think about how I used to whine when he put on Britney.

They say, time will heal albeit slowly. Really?

I still see my wounds, fresh and wet. Tears? They have not abandoned me, still visits me all the time.

The boy had not contacted me for almost three months now. The last time I tried to talk to him was when I called him to wish him a happy birthday.

I had no other means of contacting him beside the phone call. I could however just stop by his place and gave him a surprise visit, but I do not really want to freak him out.

A friend once asked me.

“Do you think you still can be as how it used to be, if the boy had come back to you again?”

I guess, things would not be the same anymore. We as human beings, are not that forgiving as we want us to be ourselves. It isn’t too hard to apologize, it isn’t that hard to say that I am sorry. How easy for it for someone to forgive, and hopefully to forget?

If you loved someone and you break up, where does the love go?

How can we transform a once passionate love, into something that fits nice and easily onto the friendship shelf? I wonder, instead of pretending each other doesn’t exist, can’t we be friends or something ?

I really hope someday, very soon, that we can all meet for a drink and be great friends; just like in the movies.

Memories. Light the corners of my mind. Misty water-colored memories. Of the way we were. Can it be, can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time re-written every line? If we had the chance to do it all again. Tell me. Would we? Could we?

I would have not hurt you deliberately, will you forgive me, L?

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I could feel my heartbeat taking me down
And for the moment, I would sleep alright
Invading with a selfish fear
To keep me up another restless night
Another restless night

The blood was dry, it was sober
The feeling of audible cracks
And I could tell it was over
From the curtains that hung from your neck

And I realized that then you were perfect
And my teeth ripping out of my head
And it looked like a painting I once knew
Back when my thoughts weren’t entirely intact

To pray for what I thought were angels
Ended up being ambulances
And the Lord showed me dreams of my daughter
She was crying inside your stomach

And I felt love again

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I would want to blame it on the different time zones, they call it jet lagged. Yes, I have been living on a jet setter’s lifestyle since late November. It was fun, to be able to travel all around, meeting different people before I start myself in Uni in May.

But that is not the point, the point is, I wanted to stay away from my home in Kuala Lumpur. I had wanted to do this for a very long time, trying to see if I could forget the boy. The truth is, I can’t. On the boy’s birthday last year, while I was in Brazil, I gave the boy a call to wish him a happy birthday. I mean, it would only be appropriate if I do that, at least, I thought it that way.

Not only was I wrong about the whole thing, I still ended up crying at night, hugging a pillow, that I was well aware that it would not hug me back.

It was Chinese New Year. I remembered last year’s pretty well. I was in hometown, and could not let myself not missing the boy. We practically texted each other the whole day. I had to run around the house because the house was surrounded by hills, and Maxis coverage wasn’t that great, then I found the perfect spot, the store room.

Sweating and sneezing, I embraced myself, just for the sake of not wanting to miss his text messages. Silly, I know. That’s what we all do for love, no?

Deep inside, back to reality, I thought I could forget him if I leave my room, leave everything behind and move somewhere else. I could not move to Singapore because that was our initial plan. We both continue our studies in Singapore.

Singapore will bring back the memories, I would definitely sure about it. Then, during my vacation, I cried, and cried again, hugging the cold hotel pillows, streak of tears just fall down to my cheek, and to the bed.

I could not help it, they say I was being foolish for falling in love to a person that do not love me. Deep inside, I still believe that there is love, deep inside, I still believe that it was me that had caused the breakup, and it was be that had put our relationship into that fine thin line.

I could have salvage it, I just know I could.

It has been almost 9 months since we break up, and I am still here, hugging my pillow tight, hoping that it was the boy that I was hugging.

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How can I help it? I could not do anything but just let the tears flow from my eyes to my cheek and drop till my shirt, and sometimes on the bed.

Almost every night I cry myself silently, almost every night all I could do is to think of the mess I am in; the mess that I might not be able to clean up, a mess that I do not want to have anything to do with; a mess that I have regretted creating in the first place.

Listening to the Top 40 hit songs do not help, my ‘super emo’ play list has been on the iPod for the past nights accompanying my tear of loneliness.

The boy had been a great meaning of my life. I do not know or how it has impact me, but I just know that it did. Otherwise, why would I not be able to get over it and get on with it, a question that I myself that should have the answer, do not have.

A few weeks from now, it would be our first year together if we are still together. I find it very hard to swallow. All I can think of right now, is how badly I have treated the boy.

I want to move on, but I can’t. I tried, and people tell me I have not been trying hard enough. How hard is enough, then?

Some people can let go something easily, perhaps that something is of no value to that somebody. I beg to differ, the boy has been part of my life, and I do not think I can let it go with just a snap of the finger, a gesture that the boy love to do.

All I can think of is the good things that the boy do, the hand gesture, the language, the sweet smile, the smirk and the attitude.

I have then been thinking, even if we had the chance in the future to get back together, will we even still be the same? Will we get over our past, and live life like it should be? Tears continue to fall from my eyes to my cheek, gradually falling down to my shirt wetting it.

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When I am with the boy, our relationship has been up and down. More on the down side, because we exchange words that we regret after that. I agree that my temper has been a major set down on what things has become, and I cannot blame the boy for that.

Well, since April, I have been thinking of moving on, find another partner, another lover and someone that I can put my attention to. Just a couple of days back, I manage to find this someone, and then the boy told me that he found his new love, I don’t know why, but I broke down in tears.

A couple days later today, I realized that I am not being fair to my new boy friend.

Why ? Because I have showed my boy that I still think of L, I still miss him, and I cried for him. Tears just would not stop gushing out from the side of my eyes.

The boy’s computer is still lying on the floor. I have replaced the motherboard and the processor, but I have yet to reinstall Microsoft Windows for him. I dare not touch the machine, I do not want to because I know if I do, I will start thinking of him.

My room is full of memories of the boy, that I sometimes dare not step in to my room. The shirt that the boy choose for me, the pants that we choose together, the color of the shirt that both of us liked. The picture frame that I have of him in front of my computer, the hard disk full of pictures that I have of the boy, almost every single thing that I do, I think of the boy.

I am trying to move on, I recently found a boy that I have interest with. I wasn’t sure if I am being fair to him or not, because I still miss the boy. The boy has been a very great impact in my life to me. We share every single feelings that we have, or at least I know I did. I am still paying for the boy’s studies, I still want to, but I wasn’t sure if wanting something, is equal to doing something right. You know that feeling, that feeling …

I miss the boy, I think he probably had blocked me from MSN already. I saw his MSN name, something in the line of “I have lose to you, I cannot not love you” or “loving a person can be depreciated, love by someone only got a little value, but love and give is what I dream on.”

Was these messages from the boy to me? It sure felt like it. Was it a message that he is putting in the other party? I don’t know. It might be, it might not be. I am confused, frustrated, and deeply missing the boy.

For the past few days, the boy’s MSN name has been in Chinese. I suspect that his new boy friend is Chinese educated. The boy do not know how to write Chinese, he speaks, but not write. A lot of things has changed, suddenly, I feel that the Chinese messages were not meant for me.

Tears are starting to flow again…

I feel guilty for having two hearts together two different person. The boy can give me the feelings that no other of my ex boy friends can, the boy is almost everything, but not the relationship.

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How can I be so vulnerable to a boy that had left me for someone else. How can I be so vulnerable with streaks of tears falling down my cheek just by looking at the SMS that L had sent me.

I need to be strong, I told myself. I really need to. It is not right for a man to cry for so many days over the same issue.

One way to explain it, it is because I love you, L.

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