Cedric Ang

I woke up early today. Really early.

I could not sleep. Insomnia has got the best of me. That’s not just it, flashback of our moments with the boy hit me hard again, till I almost kneel down to my knees begging it to stop.

I want to cry it out, loud if I could, but I can’t. Streak of tears just kept on falling because it knows I miss the boy very much.

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“Cedric, you ex boy friend looks like my friend. He is my junior and he looked exactly like him”

That was what he told me when I first showed him the boy’s picture over the Internet. I had slowly gotten over the whole break-up thing, but I wasn’t still sure that I have put the boy aside, and continue with what is going on what is in front of me.

I supposed I cannot forget the fact that I can easily fall in love, even back in my heart, I still think about the boy, all the time.

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My mind is almost blank, but yet there is this feeling inside me that makes me want to shout out to the world that I have a lot on my mind, and yet still empty.

Yes, maybe I do not know how to put things in words. Maybe I am just confused of the certain feelings that I have right now, maybe it was just nothing.

His voice still echoes deep inside. I could still hear him saying things to me. Was it just my imagination, or just merely because I missed him so much?

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I could feel a hot one taking me down
For a moment, I could feel the force
Fainted to the point of tears
And you were holding on to make a point
What’s the point?

I’m but a clean man, stable and alone man
Make it so I won’t have to try
The faces always stay the same
So I face the fact that I’m just fine
I said that I’m just fine

I remember, head down,
After you had found out
Manna is a hell of a drug
And I need a little more, I think
Because enough is never quite enough
What’s enough?

I took it like a grown man crying on the pavement
Hoping you would show your face
But I haven’t heard a thing you’ve said
In at least a couple hundred days
What’d you say?

I was in the front seat, shaking it out
And I was asking if you felt alright
I never want to hear the truth
I want to hear your voice, it sounded fine
My voice, it sounded fine

I could feel my heartbeat taking me down
And for the moment, I would sleep alright
Invading with a selfish fear
To keep me up another restless night
Another restless night

The blood was dry, it was sober
The feeling of audible cracks
And I could tell it was over
From the curtains that hung from your neck

And I realized that then you were perfect
And my teeth ripping out of my head
And it looked like a painting I once knew
Back when my thoughts weren’t entirely intact

To pray for what I thought were angels
Ended up being ambulances
And the Lord showed me dreams of my daughter
She was crying inside your stomach

And I felt love again

Sleeplessness, that is what I can use to describe myself.

I would want to blame it on the different time zones, they call it jet lagged. Yes, I have been living on a jet setter’s lifestyle since late November. It was fun, to be able to travel all around, meeting different people before I start myself in Uni in May.

But that is not the point, the point is, I wanted to stay away from my home in Kuala Lumpur. I had wanted to do this for a very long time, trying to see if I could forget the boy. The truth is, I can’t. On the boy’s birthday last year, while I was in Brazil, I gave the boy a call to wish him a happy birthday. I mean, it would only be appropriate if I do that, at least, I thought it that way.

Not only was I wrong about the whole thing, I still ended up crying at night, hugging a pillow, that I was well aware that it would not hug me back.

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It has been a couple of weeks since the boy had announced that he has found a new boy friend. It is also the same time that me, the ex boy friend been crying almost every night.

How can I help it? I could not do anything but just let the tears flow from my eyes to my cheek and drop till my shirt, and sometimes on the bed.

Almost every night I cry myself silently, almost every night all I could do is to think of the mess I am in; the mess that I might not be able to clean up, a mess that I do not want to have anything to do with; a mess that I have regretted creating in the first place.

Listening to the Top 40 hit songs do not help, my ‘super emo’ play list has been on the iPod for the past nights accompanying my tear of loneliness.

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I know my love life has been very complicated. Since my childhood, I had not many company. My closest friend is staying away from me because of work, and perhaps because he is also feeling guilty for borrowing so much money from me and not able to return back to me, but that is another story.

When I am with the boy, our relationship has been up and down. More on the down side, because we exchange words that we regret after that. I agree that my temper has been a major set down on what things has become, and I cannot blame the boy for that.

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Oh fuck it, I seriously hate this kind of feelings. The feelings of being alone, in the room. Listening to the music that only spells for disaster!

How can I be so vulnerable to a boy that had left me for someone else. How can I be so vulnerable with streaks of tears falling down my cheek just by looking at the SMS that L had sent me.

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