Almost 10 days ago it was when it all started. Everything went on so fast, too fast that it took me down like a defenseless ant.

40 sleeping pills, a couple of pain killers, a couple of ‘Panadol’ and a bottle Vodka, I woke up almost 26 hours later. It was a miracle, but the thought of L is still fresh in my mind. My mind started to wander around the realm out of the reality and trying to think without the actual thinking.

No, I wasn’t seeking attention from L. I might sounded like I did but that wasn’t my intentions. After almost committing the crime of the final episodes of my life, it feels like I was emotionally blackmailing L, to be together with me. It was unfair for both of us.

I had not drag anyone together in with me. It wasn’t a mass suicide. In fact, not many people know about it except my ex boy friend A, that I have called and cried and I told him my problem. A had no knowledge of knowing me taken the drugs and substance. A had no idea that I was hoping for an overdose and peacefully leave this world behind. Leaving the sad sob life that I currently have.

Ever since the incident, a close friend talked to me on MSN. I would wish that she was next to me talking to me, rather than typing on the keyboard. She was too far away.

She advised me to seek for help, help from a doctor that could prescribe me some Xanax, the drug that suppress depressions. I went over, the doctor recommended me to see a psychiatrist instead. I did. After a couple of sessions, I can say that I can finally think correctly and logically. Suicidal is just not the answer now, and I think it will never be. The psychiatrist did a superb job.

Then, I was required to be in medication. A couple of medication that as far as a recall, gives me the same type of high that I can get when I was on social drug, the marijuana. It makes me a happy person, the happy pills.

The ‘happy pills’ did a very good job to calm me down most of the times. However, the thought of L is still lingering in my mind as if it just had happened. I still could not forget about him. Tears starts falling again.

My intentions was made clear to him, I wanted to see him. To see him more often. It doesn’t really matter if he had ‘downgraded’ me to a ‘friend only’ status, but seeing him was the satisfaction hearsay.

Sigh!

The psychiatrist said that I am suffering from a very mild depression. I have also Separation Anxiety Disorder, and also suicidal. I did not know what that means, until I found them on Wikipedia.

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As much as I do not understand how did L got together with the other guy, I could not understand it when the first time I met with L either. It was too random, too fast and too quick.

There are certain little things that one must be able to see, the small little things.

If I had only left the iPod with L, if I had only give him more attention instead of asking him questions and questions, if I had only control my temper, if I had only send him gentle words instead of harsh words when he’s hurt, if I had only …

I tried to put up a strong front end. I had guessed where he would be from all the connections. I have a couple of friends that had spotted him elsewhere in KL, but that doesn’t matter. L wants his time out, right?

As much as I want to see him, I scared that I break down in tears. I kept on telling him that I want to remain as friends, and I am trying to push that boy friend feeling OFF from my mind, and it did not really work that well.

I thought of clearing my mind a bit, and I managed to get hold of a friend of mine. He decided to go to his favorite hang out place in Sunway. I went there, and spot on, I knew I saw L. I told my friend, my ex boy friend is there, I don’t know if I can face it. I don’t know if HE can face it. I don’t know if his boy friend is as possessive as me would be able to face it too.

I called, and it was confirmed L. I went off. My friend of mine got pissed off because I was the one that asked him out, and I have to send him back now.

I send a sms to L, and L said they are all cool about it. I tried to make an excuse that I want to meet his friend, the younger one. L knew I was just using that as an excuse, spot on again.

I drank the first 4 bottles, I kept on brushing away the irritating beer lady away because I want to be alone, and well she just want to make me buy more beer by drinking mine.

So, L was there for a while to chat with me, then he went off, I called him back again, and he went off again.

I got a little angry because the main reason I was there was to see him. Perhaps he did not want to put up the strong end, perhaps his boy friend is pressuring him. I don’t know. I let it go, and I chatted with the chap.

Well, we did not chat much, I just needed a drink. I needed someone to talk to and the pub environment is just not a good place.

I went out and gave a call to L, I know that he went to Mc Donald’s to get something, but I did not know if he got lost or not, I was a little worried. He said he was fine, but there were news of the police raiding premises and he was at somewhere else.

It makes me think, why is L doing this. Why is he hanging out together with his working boy friend in a pub who has got no time for him. It irks me that L is sleeping with this guy just a couple of days of knowing him. It happened to same to me, and I thought that was quick.

Well, it was L’s choice, I can’t question him. The more I do, the more L would hate me. I know.

So I ordered another 5, and another 5. I got really really drunk. I called to L again after the place close. Before I left, I whispered to the chap to ask him to get back home early, and don’t drink too much. I drank his portion because he is having gastric attacks.

After 15 bottles of beer, you can’t possibly drive home. I drove around the corner, and I stopped by Mc Donald’s. Not that I am hoping L is there, but I stopped there because that was the safest place I can find.

I called L, I sent him a couple of messages. He got angry, I think. I was drunk, I was talking about my true heart feelings. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know what did I say. I want to remain as friends, but my mind keeps on telling me to tell L that I love him and I miss him.

L said he was busy after that, I guess the boy friend had finish packing up and ready to leave.

I know on this day, I drove like a maniac down on Federal Highway back home. I did not know why did I use Federal Highway, but I just did.

I was revving my car, pushing the car to the limit. I probably broken a dozen of rules just by that. Driving under influence, excessive speed, dangerous driving, cutting lanes with no indicator. You name it, and I got it.

I keep on asking my self, SLOW DOWN, I shouted at myself SLOW DOWN. It won’t work.

I got back home, I started calling people again. No one is there for me. I don’t want to call L because I know his boy friend would not be happy about it. Well, jealousy for starters.

Then, one of my best pal came online. I blurted to him, that I am drunk, get him to call me. I am amazed that he recognized what I was typing, and he called.

I talk to him on the phone for nearly 2 hours. He was really being nice, just by listening. Someone that I need, just to listen. My bad because I should be the one calling, not him.

I went out again, still under the influence.

Unfortunately this time, right outside my house, there was a police road block. I was pulled by the side. I tried to call to L while squatting at the road side, I did not know why the fuck did I do that, he is probably already sleeping. Perhaps they are making love together, fuck I don’t want to think about it.

Long story short, I had not much sleep. I am now at the office, and I still feel the alcohol rushing my heartbeat. It doesn’t matter. Because for all I know, I have already let out everything that I need to let out. I just need someone to listen to me, my friend already did that.

Whether I can get over L or not, it is still too early to tell. L is someone that can be beside me, someone that appreciate me, someone that is dearly to me. It is hard to find this kind of person. Like I have said, if I had taken much afford to find out what L wants from me, it would not be this way. I am just too ‘kan cheong’ about him sometimes, and he dislike it and sees it the other way.

As irritating as I might sound on the phone, I am not trying to push us being together, L. I know if I force it, it would not be nice to both of our relationship. People say you speak the truth when you are drunk. I agree. I think I need to give that friend a call again to see what I have blurted out for 2 hours.

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You see, after that whole episods of me puking my guts out in my own room, I think I am suffering from depression and needs medical help. I mean, this is not normal, being suicidal is not normal. Besides having to clean my room full of puke, and blood, I guess I am okay.

Someone says that I sound very possessive. I wasn’t really. I was trying to protect L, I tried too hard. I was worried.

I have finally realized what I have done wrong. Things that I could easily fix. I want to do that, but I just need L to give me that one chance, a chance that I don’t really deserve unless I promise him I will not hurt him again.

Seeing who he is meeting, I totally disagree. I would want to tell him that, but at this stage if I do, he would think that I want to sabotage their friendship. I cannot let that happen, no matter how much disagreement I have. Perhaps all these are just coincidence that L was caught in the middle of it, then it would be a bigger problem.

The someone was right, there is no way I can shelter L the way I wanted to. He is young, and he needs his own space to breath. I have had that problem with A, I should have known better.

I took the relationship too seriously. L must have felt the pressure. Poor L.

From his daily ranting about his family matters to me, adding on by my pressures, I think any sane human being would have felt uneasy.

First off, I will need to see a doctor to settle my depression problems. The someone is right. I need the medication, otherwise, I will just repeat and repeat myself until I finally succeed. In which, it does not benefit anyone. I think I was lucky this time, because I had puked them out. I do not know what happened in between.

L, the reason I put this down on a blog is because I want to look back next time, and laugh at how silly I am. As much as I would want to publicly declare my love for L, I do not want to put the pressure on L. I want L to be happy with whatever decisions that he make.

I quote a close friend, “As human beings, we want things to work perfectly, to be smooth”. I agree. I want the relationship to be smooth and perfect. I thought by trying to understand you more, I can ask even more questions, in which it turned out to be like I am interrogating you, which it wasn’t. I know that now.

L, if you are reading this, I am going to step back a little, just to give you some space to breath. Please don’t think that I am leaving you, I am not. In fact, I am really jealous of how the things are now, and I really wish that you are together with me. You can come talk to me whenever you feel comfortable with; We had both agreed for a time out, so that is what it will be. You had not asked me for any protection, it is not right for me to shove it down your throat. I understand that now.

Thanks for the comforting messages that you guys sent me, it helped a lot. I am still worried, but I am going to seek help. Don’t worry for me, okay?

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