Cedric Ang

I am sure a couple of people have read about my suicide episodes after L had found himself a companion.

Almost 10 days ago it was when it all started. Everything went on so fast, too fast that it took me down like a defenseless ant.

40 sleeping pills, a couple of pain killers, a couple of ‘Panadol’ and a bottle Vodka, I woke up almost 26 hours later. It was a miracle, but the thought of L is still fresh in my mind. My mind started to wander around the realm out of the reality and trying to think without the actual thinking.

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In life, there are just so many if’s and we just can’t answer to all of them.

As much as I do not understand how did L got together with the other guy, I could not understand it when the first time I met with L either. It was too random, too fast and too quick.

There are certain little things that one must be able to see, the small little things.

If I had only left the iPod with L, if I had only give him more attention instead of asking him questions and questions, if I had only control my temper, if I had only send him gentle words instead of harsh words when he’s hurt, if I had only …

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I had a long chat on MSN with a close friend, and I think I know what the problems is.

You see, after that whole episods of me puking my guts out in my own room, I think I am suffering from depression and needs medical help. I mean, this is not normal, being suicidal is not normal. Besides having to clean my room full of puke, and blood, I guess I am okay.

Someone says that I sound very possessive. I wasn’t really. I was trying to protect L, I tried too hard. I was worried.

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