It rained again.

Again, it is always the rain that would put me into deep thoughts.

It feels like the rain might have some super power over me I don’t know.

I was having a conversation with David, when he told me that he already got a boy friend now. I should have thought better.

Reading Apollo David’s post on being kind, I felt the same situation is bestow upon me.

David had wanted to continue his studies after his secondary school. I felt the moment of me and The Boy hunting for higher education all over again. David himself was a little confused with the courses that are being offered. I helped a little, and added even more confusion. I had a slight idea that might help David, I suggested to him.

When we were about to enroll himself, he reluctantly said that he want to check out the other places, and also to confirm these with his parents. So we stopped at there.

Some events happened in between. David’s parents wanted him to go to Form 6, David wanted to continue on media studies, conflicts.

David moved out, he told me that he went to his friend’s place to stay. I had suspect the friend might be someone that I am afraid that he might be, I kept quiet.

The ‘friend’ had suggested that David continue his studies at some unknown Chinese institution. The ‘friend’ also suggest that David work himself in retail.

Firstly, David hates retail. Long hours, and low pay. Plus the standing, and etc.

His ‘friend’ managed to persuade David into working retail. When I asked David, I found out that the friend is a mid 30s, working in retail.

The ‘friend’ managed to brainwash David. Two things for sure. First, to enroll himself in a second rated institution, and secondly to work in a place where expenses might be even higher than the salary itself.

All these while, I was afraid that David might be cheated by someone. Like a lost sheep.

Even though the day had not come, I am beginning to feel it that way.

Oh, David also got fucked by the ‘friend’ and they are both ‘lovers’ now. How convenient.

Sigh, the more you care, you really worry even more.

Why do I care so much ? Because I do not want history to repeat itself. David, it’s time to realize who are your friends!

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I have been out of the country for a very long time, that I have lost count already. My passport has been abused and harassed numerous times, that I think that abuse might turn into an enjoyment. One do wonder, do the custom’s officers enjoyed spanking the on the visitor’s passports when they embark into the country.

Here I am, in Wellington, New Zealand. I must say, I have met a lot of people from all over the world, From Argentina, to Brazil right up to New Zealand.

I could say that I can’t wait to get back to Malaysia, back to my not so closet self, back to all the hypocritical people, back to all that political bullshits. Yes, I have been following the Perak by-elections, and I can tell you, I think these idiots should just do the world a favor, and bury themselves. The news on The Star’s news site tickled my funny bone. Now, I know it is a strong fashion statement, but do we really get fined for wearing a skirt nowadays? Zang Toi should not be allowed to have outlets in Malaysia, then, if they are going to fine for RM20. What was that for? A fashion statement? Or a show of power? Perhaps, in better words, a show of stupidity and being a closed minded government?

Just when I bought a pair of Jimmy Choo’s 5 inch heels that I thought would be a fucking good fashion statement. Now I am not too sure if I should be walking down to Pavilion, with a pair of heels that the female species are so dying for. Yes, I wore heels.

On a not too recent studies, Mr Yik Koon Teh in a paper wrote that transexuals cannot be explained by social factors. While we all understand that the Muslims enforced the prohibition of transgenders, but why are the rulings enforced to those, who are not Muslims?

In school, we were brain washed by the Malaysian education system that Malaysia is a multiracial country, and that Islam, is the official religion. I believe many still have that in their school books. Alas, ‘leaders’ these days tells us, Malaysia is a Muslim country, and that we, as a Malaysian, should follow what Muslim countries do.

Perhaps that is the main reason why I wanted to leave Malaysia so badly. Not that I feel that the other countries would be better, but a more rather, ‘not so much bullshit’.

I am tired, staring at my Macbook Pro isn’t going to get me sleepy at all. I should rest, a lot if stuffs waiting for me in the morning.

Oh, I do think that Malaysia is the the most closet case of all in terms of sexuality. Come out from the closet already, will you?

Reference: International Journal of Transgenderism (PDF)

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I would want to blame it on the different time zones, they call it jet lagged. Yes, I have been living on a jet setter’s lifestyle since late November. It was fun, to be able to travel all around, meeting different people before I start myself in Uni in May.

But that is not the point, the point is, I wanted to stay away from my home in Kuala Lumpur. I had wanted to do this for a very long time, trying to see if I could forget the boy. The truth is, I can’t. On the boy’s birthday last year, while I was in Brazil, I gave the boy a call to wish him a happy birthday. I mean, it would only be appropriate if I do that, at least, I thought it that way.

Not only was I wrong about the whole thing, I still ended up crying at night, hugging a pillow, that I was well aware that it would not hug me back.

It was Chinese New Year. I remembered last year’s pretty well. I was in hometown, and could not let myself not missing the boy. We practically texted each other the whole day. I had to run around the house because the house was surrounded by hills, and Maxis coverage wasn’t that great, then I found the perfect spot, the store room.

Sweating and sneezing, I embraced myself, just for the sake of not wanting to miss his text messages. Silly, I know. That’s what we all do for love, no?

Deep inside, back to reality, I thought I could forget him if I leave my room, leave everything behind and move somewhere else. I could not move to Singapore because that was our initial plan. We both continue our studies in Singapore.

Singapore will bring back the memories, I would definitely sure about it. Then, during my vacation, I cried, and cried again, hugging the cold hotel pillows, streak of tears just fall down to my cheek, and to the bed.

I could not help it, they say I was being foolish for falling in love to a person that do not love me. Deep inside, I still believe that there is love, deep inside, I still believe that it was me that had caused the breakup, and it was be that had put our relationship into that fine thin line.

I could have salvage it, I just know I could.

It has been almost 9 months since we break up, and I am still here, hugging my pillow tight, hoping that it was the boy that I was hugging.

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Aside from that, I am also on a couple of drugs that the doctor had prescribed me, it really help a lot in terms of both talking with L, and my office colleagues. Not only did it kept me calm down most of the time, it also helped me to think about things rationally, and execute my plans well.

Well, actually this post has got nothing to do with me. More like, it is something that I have been thinking for a couple of nights now.

You see, L had just finish his SPM. Seeing that I really wish that he could continue his studies at somewhere that he really liked. However, coming from an average family with a lot of siblings, his dad did warn him that he will not pay any of the fees for varsity for L if he had decided to jump ship to somewhere else.

Depressed, L was hoping that he would be able to get admitted to this varsity and further his studies. Problem is, being a public U, you can’t simply choose unless luck is on your side.

So we came out with some alternatives. Studying abroad, or a local college here, and then continue further somewhere else. It was the best case scenario if the public U did not approve his application.

To keep the unnessarry thoughts out of my mind, I have consulted a few people regarding the route to further studies. Fees varies to a couple thousand Ringgit to a few hundred thousand Ringgit.

There are a few reasons that makes me want to help L, or at least be there for him. Money is never enough, and if the money that I have could help someone that I love so much, I don’t see that it is wrong, even if he just label me as, ‘just friends’.

L is dreaming of getting over to USA to study. Inspired by the stories by his cousins, that she work her own way for her study fees, L was determine to follow his cousin’s footsteps. I had strongly disagree that he do because I think that his decision was merely because he wanted to go over there, instead of the real capability that the boy has.

We also look into the local colleges to seek for the possibilities to further into that area of study. We found a couple local college to be prospective. Further discussion with a friend of mine not only convinced L to give the local colleges a thought, but also considering the fees and living expenses. In fact, I really owe a lot to this friend for willing to help me out, even though he has to go through his examination himself soon.

Then it comes to the fees of the college, and living expenses. Before me and L broke up last month, I had sent in an application for a loan of 60k for L. The reason I did that is because I want to see L to get his education, to be someone successful. A someone that I could not see in myself, and I really wish that I want to see it in him, someone that is so dearly to me.

It was a surprised that L unblocked me from his MSN. I know that he did because a few of my other friends that has got L in their contact list told me that L is online. When I finally see L online, I messaged him, and trying to keep my excitement within myself, I found that L was depressed and worried about his higher education.

Trying not to sound like his parents, I tried to see what is it that he really wanted. Tried to talk to him as calmly as I can and that first chat session after such a long period of time turned out to be very well. Of course, if L had know what was happening behind the scene, he would probably not agree that I appear to be calm than normal.

I have decided to support L all the way, batter the storm together with him. L was afraid that I was giving him false hope, he was afraid that I am actually trying to take revenge on him for leaving me like that. The only assurance that I give him that I wasn’t is my perseverance on trying to get him back to me. He managed to convince himself that I wasn’t but I am sure some of these days, he will think about it again, unless I can really prove that I am not. Of course, it wasn’t my intentions.

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