Yes, maybe I do not know how to put things in words. Maybe I am just confused of the certain feelings that I have right now, maybe it was just nothing.

His voice still echoes deep inside. I could still hear him saying things to me. Was it just my imagination, or just merely because I missed him so much?

It has been almost a year that we both break up officially. It was also the time where the boy had hitched a ride and went home with someone. It was the time when I heard news about the boy not going back home, and I cried and cried because I had missed him so damn much.

I do not know why, but my feelings in such way is only the first time towards the boy. I had no problem letting my other boy friends go, no matter how much we claimed to be in love with each other. I sometimes wasn’t sure if it was the companionship that me and the boy both had, or it was the sex that was so great.

Listening to the songs in my iPhone do not make things much more easier for me. When my song list goes to the song “Shake It” by Metrostation, I think about how I make fun of the song. When my song list goes to “Sorry, Blame it on me” by Akon, I think about how the boy had talked about the meaning of the song, about the story behind it. I listen to Britney and I will think about how I used to whine when he put on Britney.

They say, time will heal albeit slowly. Really?

I still see my wounds, fresh and wet. Tears? They have not abandoned me, still visits me all the time.

The boy had not contacted me for almost three months now. The last time I tried to talk to him was when I called him to wish him a happy birthday.

I had no other means of contacting him beside the phone call. I could however just stop by his place and gave him a surprise visit, but I do not really want to freak him out.

A friend once asked me.

“Do you think you still can be as how it used to be, if the boy had come back to you again?”

I guess, things would not be the same anymore. We as human beings, are not that forgiving as we want us to be ourselves. It isn’t too hard to apologize, it isn’t that hard to say that I am sorry. How easy for it for someone to forgive, and hopefully to forget?

If you loved someone and you break up, where does the love go?

How can we transform a once passionate love, into something that fits nice and easily onto the friendship shelf? I wonder, instead of pretending each other doesn’t exist, can’t we be friends or something ?

I really hope someday, very soon, that we can all meet for a drink and be great friends; just like in the movies.

Memories. Light the corners of my mind. Misty water-colored memories. Of the way we were. Can it be, can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time re-written every line? If we had the chance to do it all again. Tell me. Would we? Could we?

I would have not hurt you deliberately, will you forgive me, L?

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‘Cleaning’ up has been a chore to me since last few weeks, more and more delays. It is not that I have been avoiding it, but rather, trying to avoid it.

Maybe I am not making much sense to you. I just dislike cleaning up; that doesn’t make me a dirty person. Just dislike cleaning up.

I have a lot of old memories stashed behind me. Under my bed, under my pillow, in the closet, on the book racks. All these memories reminds me of something good, or something bad. In which makes me dislike doing what I do.

Often, sometimes reading all these ‘stashed’ away notes, it reminds me of my ex boy friends. Even with just a simple Starbucks receipt, I am sure to remember who I went with, what drink did we ordered, what was our chat topic and etc.

Recently, I have met up with this guy, and I shall name him Kenny.

Kenny is a sweetheart, I am starting to fall in love with him. However, in between Kenny, there is another person who is sort of the border between us. It is not that I am complaining or something but this person that is in between is my guardian angel, guarding his mortal.

My guardian angel cares a lot about me, he suggested to me that I should just play it slow and steady. However, my guardian angel accidently leaked out my blog address to Kenny. However, not known to Kenny is that I sometimes write fiction stories; stories that happened in the past, but I dated it like it happened to me recently.

I got to know that Kenny is confused over the ‘relationship’ over the ‘boy friend’ that I have called ‘boy friend’ in my previous post. I guess that particular post basically screw up the whole trust issue.

When I was dreaming about you Kenny, I was hoping that you would do the same. The day I ruin my life for writing about my past, I really really do need to say so much. The day you run away from me, the day when you over reacted.

Kenny, I hope you can find someone better, and I hope he would love you like I do.

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