I would want to blame it on the different time zones, they call it jet lagged. Yes, I have been living on a jet setter’s lifestyle since late November. It was fun, to be able to travel all around, meeting different people before I start myself in Uni in May.

But that is not the point, the point is, I wanted to stay away from my home in Kuala Lumpur. I had wanted to do this for a very long time, trying to see if I could forget the boy. The truth is, I can’t. On the boy’s birthday last year, while I was in Brazil, I gave the boy a call to wish him a happy birthday. I mean, it would only be appropriate if I do that, at least, I thought it that way.

Not only was I wrong about the whole thing, I still ended up crying at night, hugging a pillow, that I was well aware that it would not hug me back.

It was Chinese New Year. I remembered last year’s pretty well. I was in hometown, and could not let myself not missing the boy. We practically texted each other the whole day. I had to run around the house because the house was surrounded by hills, and Maxis coverage wasn’t that great, then I found the perfect spot, the store room.

Sweating and sneezing, I embraced myself, just for the sake of not wanting to miss his text messages. Silly, I know. That’s what we all do for love, no?

Deep inside, back to reality, I thought I could forget him if I leave my room, leave everything behind and move somewhere else. I could not move to Singapore because that was our initial plan. We both continue our studies in Singapore.

Singapore will bring back the memories, I would definitely sure about it. Then, during my vacation, I cried, and cried again, hugging the cold hotel pillows, streak of tears just fall down to my cheek, and to the bed.

I could not help it, they say I was being foolish for falling in love to a person that do not love me. Deep inside, I still believe that there is love, deep inside, I still believe that it was me that had caused the breakup, and it was be that had put our relationship into that fine thin line.

I could have salvage it, I just know I could.

It has been almost 9 months since we break up, and I am still here, hugging my pillow tight, hoping that it was the boy that I was hugging.

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I had wanted to leave that comfort zone for a very long time, but I had not dare to do that because I wasn’t sure how things would be, and how well can I handle them.

As much as I would like to talk about L in the blog, and as much as I do not want to because it is a public domain, I cant. Mainly because L is involved in many events in my life.

The decision to go to Singapore is surely going to get me out of my comfort zone. I wish to start it off in Singapore for the things that I have dislike back in Malaysia.

When it comes to finances, I think I am prepared for the worst thing that can happen. I know I am not too good with finances, but I think for this time, I can handle them pretty well. Of course, the MacBook Pro can wait.

I guess we have to embrace each other when we are there, then.

You know you love me,

xoxo.

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Lester has been struggling with his studies. He had not been having good sleep since then. I had told him that I would not mind getting him to Singapore to further his studies, and in the mean time, I can too start a new life there. It works both ways, depending on if we wanted it to work or not.

In a way, I am also buying time to make the relationship work. We will be staying together, and doing things together. Basically living together. Would things work out better then? For me, I am going there for the right reason, to start myself with a new life and dump everything here in Malaysia. My hatred towards my company, towards the people that I know here make me even want to move to Singapore even more. The question then struck me, if the relationship doesn’t work, then how?

I do understand that L need his time out sometimes. To be with his friends, people that’s the same age with him. I could not take the out of the sudden, because a couple of months ago, he is the only person that I see, and I am the only person that he sees. I can spend hours and hours of my time and his time together.

Why would I be doing all these, to send L to Singapore for his studies? There really is not much reason but to see him grow up equipped with something that I do not have. I do however hope that in a way, I can buy some time, for our courtship. Having that said, it is really as if I am buying the courtship by paying for his education. I am confused as well.

One of the big obstacles that both me and L are facing is actually me. Me being being hot tempered with him always, getting pissed off for small little things that L said, or small little gestures that I do not like.

Lester give me the mindset that he wants us to be together. I wasn’t sure if the education was a big big encouragement for him, but I certainly do not hope so. In the past, L had not show me any signs that he wants money, but rather a companionship, a partner, a boy friend. Then, things might change, in fact many things has changed between us. Whether am I the root cause of it, I do not know.

It all started when L unblocked me from his MSN. I wasn’t sure if he had broken up with his boy friend at that time, but it seems that their relationship was a bit rocky already. Perhaps L just needed someone to talk because he was worried about his studies, well that was what he claimed.

Some of the other things confused me as well, like he would not allow me to hold his hand anymore, in the car. I normally do that with him when we go out. He said to me, that he allowing me to do it once, doesn’t mean I can do it all the time. It really confuses me because he had no problem having sex with me, albeit a little different than last time.

What I dislike the most, is when L goes out with his friends. I really do not mind that he goes out with his normal friends, but going to La Queen isn’t something I was really fond of, thinking about the last incident that happened in the pub; He could spend time with his friends till wee hours in the morning, yet when he is with me, he is tired. His dislike for beers confused me as well because as far as I recall, he loves drinking beer.

I am confused if I am supposed to bring L to Singapore to further his education. I want to do it, but I am just confused with all the facts that are displayed right in front of me. I wasn’t sure if I can handle the kind of stress and the confusion. Then again, if I want to do it, then I should go ahead and do it.

We tried having heart to heart talks. I did finally realized what are the things that L are expected from me. Then, sometimes things are not going too well, perhaps it was because we both have different type of mindset on how things should be. It could because of the age thing, that I am really not sure.

Whatever it is, we have about a month to work things out. A month before we go to Singapore to get things done, and a month to set our targets and expectations. A month to sort out my trust for him, and not to get offended by small little things.

Then, perhaps I was expecting L to do something too much. Example, I would really love that if he could find something to do in the mean time to get his mind off his studies for a while. I told him to try to find a part time. He promised me that he would work out a part time schedule when we are in Singapore, but the false hope that L is placing in front of me really makes me worry.

I must say I am willing to do this, without regret. At least, I had not regretted going up to Genting to pluck a flower (albeit the wrong one) for L to surprise him when he was out with his friends. I had no regret even after being chased for destroying such a beautiful flower, but L doesn’t need to know that.

I am going to stay out of touch with L for a while, perhaps 2 weeks. Mainly to get the finances sorted out, to forget about him for a while, and see how we both feel about each other. In the mean time, I am also going out with a few other people. 2 weeks should be enough to let me think things over, I hope.

I really hope that love can be solve like a mathematics questions. Then again, if all mathematics questions can be solve, then experts would have solve the Riemann zeta-hypothesis already.

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I am worried that things might not work out between us, not the relationship part, but rather the whole ‘staying in Singapore’ part. Perhaps in L’s mind, I am making this decision because I wanted to be with him. Well, partially because I really wanted to be with him. Another part of me just wanted to leave Malaysia for good, or the longest possible time, if possible.

We have decided to cut our cost to the minimal in Singapore. Cutting out room rents and etc.

A couple of friends had advised me to drop the idea and stop being such a charity. They think that I have a mindset that I would expect something in return. People said that higher expectations would lead to higher disappointment when things fails. I beg to differ. I say higher expectations would give higher satisfaction when things worked out.

I am still afraid. I am afraid that I might fail surviving in Singapore. I am afraid of leaving my comfort zone here in Malaysia. My very own home, my own family and what not. Then again, I really want to explore. I had wanted to go to Singapore for the longest time ever. L being there is partially the reason why I am making this drastic change in my life.

I say that love is complicated because we do not know how things are being developed into. There is no architect plans or anything that we can follow and make minor adjustments that we encounter during the structure building. There are no blue prints to follow, no professional certificates that you can obtain.

I wanted to see if he is willing to leave his comfort zone himself to work things out himself. I was worried because he said that he would take a part time, but kept on dragging it since the start. He promised that he would take a part time in Singapore but viewing it from this side of the road is really giving me doubts. I felt that sometimes he needs to be push a little, but I was afraid that I might be pushing him till the extend of shoving him with things that he do not want to do. I can’t kept on testing things on him because L is not a lab rat, nothing close.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won’t you kill me?
So I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelry.
Whichever you prefer.

The words are hushed, “let’s not get busted.”
Just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
“Hey did you get some?”
Man that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close, they can’t hear.
So we can get some.

Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional.

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I am down at Singapore now enjoying my Christmas. I can only get to a computer once a while, forgive me okay?

On the other hand, I manage to take a lot of picture of cute guys in Singapore. Sex has been great too! Tell you later.

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Back to the subject, and to recap what happen.

Yesterday, I saw a stream of visitors coming in from this source. It was pointing to my post, Spit or Swallow and shortly after that, he removed his email on the site, his Multiply link and his post.

Well, Of course I have the tendacy to save up everything interesting that I see on the net, just in case people remove them, like this case for example.

Since I have no other known way to reach you, I guess this is my only mortal way to get my message across to you. Whether you interpreted it as a good thing or bad thing, I have totally no control of. Emails to you were rather pointless as I don’t know how accurate the information that I got.

Despite that, I think you are kinda cute/hot. If you were anywhere off my mark of ‘qualification’ then I have to say I don’t fucking give a damn about it.

So whatever it is, here it goes.

KhengWei, you have once again disappoint me. Being someone who can further your studies in Singapore, I would expect a person that is much more knowledgeable than any Joe who studies in Malaysia. Then again, I studied in Malaysia (and still am) so putting that as my strong point also make it a weak point.

However, I am glad that the traffic surge to your site were noticeable, I was worried that it would have your attention then my abusive typing on my laptop would have gone into waste. True enough, posting something like this might be wrong to you, but I can assure you that it is totally complient with the Terms Of Service that my hosting provider. I wasn’t seeking any enchantment by posting what I posted. I mean, you can blog about your school, your studies (wish you well in your exams!) and everything else; why am I bound to your ‘morality dictation’ where like I have mentioned earlier, it is well compliant with my provider’s TOS?

The reason you have scrolled down your browser because you thought you have a good gesture in speed reading. However, you have failed to identify the nature of the post before it was too late. Hence, any amount of warning or disclaimer plastered on the side would not suffice as it is your nature to not read.

You were saying that you don’t give a damn about what I have posted, then why are you still carry it on your shoulder? Throw away that burden, and you might live happier.

Anyway KhengWei, I am sorry that the pictures that I have posted confused you about your sexuality. Okay, maybe not that serious, but still…

Like I told you, you are kinda hot.

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The reason I did that is because some lost soul cry foul over some of the pictures that they see, even though the first paragraphs of cum and licks already suggested what is in place.

Thanks to KhengWei that highlighted the site for me, but I must say that you are pretty much a hypocrite yourself, don’t you think?

You are looking at a sweating person and that makes you puke, then you must be living in the North Pole because people in Malaysia (or Singapore for your case) sweats caused of the above 26 degrees of tempreture.

You cry foul the when you see Osbert licking his own cum, but you did however, volunterily scroll down your browser. Unless of course your browser ‘magically’ scroll down to see more of it, which I think would make your browser gay and you should quickly uninstall Firefox. Try with Opera browser instead, I heard they are not as gay as Firefox or Internet Explorer.

You assumed too much, I said Osbert loves to lick up his own cum, I never did said we were jacking off together. You have nothing against homosexuals, but like wise, you find them disgusting. That doesn’t really sound right. As a gay, I don’t think heterosexuals are disgusting. I mean, sex can only be 3 things.

• Reproduction
• Intimacy & Emotional needs
• Symbolic Rituals

Now, for sure I am not into reproduction, not right now, not in the near future. Which leads me to intimacy with a lot of emotional needs.

Having said that, I do not just go out to any guys and ask them for sex, that’s wrong. In fact, we gay guys are cautious because not every other guys out there share the same adventures as us. Straight people can post up movies and pictures of them fucking each other, why cry foul when a gay guy does the same? Where there any kittens killed in the process? No.

Then it comes to the symbolic rituals. Did you know that the Emperors of China fucks guys to maintain the Yin & Yang within their body? Do you also know that in ancient Greece that man and man sleeps (fucks) together but must use different sexual positions for each gender?

Osbert were never my partner, nor did he dumped me. We were just gay guys enjoying ourselfs, just like you straight people jacking off looking at walls with your minds filled with boobs and pussies.

Then again, shouldn’t you be a bit happier because there are more gays out there? Less competition for you straight people, no?

By the way KhangWei, I thought that your pictures that you have posted in your Multiply were kinda hot. Well to put that in better words, I like guys with little leg hairs. Hairy legs turns me off. I could post your picture here to share with my other ‘gay’ readers how you looked like, but I think you might want that privacy to yourself. Of course, you can remove your pictures now like you have with your multiply link and email, but I think it is too late as I already saved up all in my thumbdrive. Not too bad of a sight, I must say. Come to think of it, I think I might know you.

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