I could not sleep this morning until 4 am. The bright moon light from the New York’s cityscape peeking through my window on my face.

I tried very hard to fall asleep.

The thought of us together got me awake. Ever since you found yourself in someone else’s arms, I have been thinking about you day and night.

It rained today. Not too heavy, but just rained.

I went out to the street, hopefully to get my mind off things for a moment.

I caught Chris online. I must say that I am glad I have someone that lives almost the same timezone as me. Being 12 hours behind everyone that I know sometimes is not a good thing for me, especially when I needed someone badly to chat with.

One mistake I make prior coming to New York.

When I was with the boy, we had our plans to move to New York. Study, and working together.

We even traveled to New York together to look at how the things are, to see if we could get used to our surroundings. We looked for a uni, a place to stay. While we were walking one day during our holiday, we saw this place that is up for sale. It is a quiet neighborhood, and we quite like the surroundings. We manage to contact the owner, and the owner was kind enough to meet us up on that day itself.

When we entered the place, I felt immediately like home. Located at the Upper West Side, it has windows overviewing Central Park. With private pool, we immediately fell in love with the place. Unlike condos or apartments, the loft has got no rooms, but rather a huge space where we can separate the rooms by ourselves. The scene of Queer as Folk immediately triggered both of our senses, and we totally forgot that the owner were actually waiting for us.

Dinner time that night was all about The Loft that we saw. We were visualizing how we would decorate the place, where we would put the bed, where will we put the LCD TV, the PS3, the kitchen and etc.

The next day itself, we spoken with the owner again, this time, I had paid a sum of USD5000 upfront as a deposit.

I was preparing for my university that is starting in a couple more days. A white envelope slipped and dropped to the floor of the loft.

When we were having our visit to New York, we had enrolled ourselves to one of the varsity here. When we broke up a year ago, the boy returned me the envelope together with the varsity’s offer letter. I must have slipped it in between my school documents, and now the memories of us being together is haunting me.

I had tried my best to design and decorate The Loft as per how the boy had wanted it. Maybe, I had a thought that maybe some day the boy would come back. For the past few nights after I have arrived here, I imaged myself cooking at the kitchen for The Boy. Both of us would be happy feasting on the meal that we had prepare, and perhaps a sip of wine looking over Central Park.

Maybe the idea of me wanting to continue to New York was a big mistake. Maybe I thought it is the only memory that I could savage from our sad sob relationship.

Maybe I had not wanted to savage the relationship at all. The things that had been going through my mind at that time when I had argued with The Boy. The things that I have done that would have hurt his feelings. They say, you will not appreciate something until you lose it. I guess, it is true to an extend.

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I would want to blame it on the different time zones, they call it jet lagged. Yes, I have been living on a jet setter’s lifestyle since late November. It was fun, to be able to travel all around, meeting different people before I start myself in Uni in May.

But that is not the point, the point is, I wanted to stay away from my home in Kuala Lumpur. I had wanted to do this for a very long time, trying to see if I could forget the boy. The truth is, I can’t. On the boy’s birthday last year, while I was in Brazil, I gave the boy a call to wish him a happy birthday. I mean, it would only be appropriate if I do that, at least, I thought it that way.

Not only was I wrong about the whole thing, I still ended up crying at night, hugging a pillow, that I was well aware that it would not hug me back.

It was Chinese New Year. I remembered last year’s pretty well. I was in hometown, and could not let myself not missing the boy. We practically texted each other the whole day. I had to run around the house because the house was surrounded by hills, and Maxis coverage wasn’t that great, then I found the perfect spot, the store room.

Sweating and sneezing, I embraced myself, just for the sake of not wanting to miss his text messages. Silly, I know. That’s what we all do for love, no?

Deep inside, back to reality, I thought I could forget him if I leave my room, leave everything behind and move somewhere else. I could not move to Singapore because that was our initial plan. We both continue our studies in Singapore.

Singapore will bring back the memories, I would definitely sure about it. Then, during my vacation, I cried, and cried again, hugging the cold hotel pillows, streak of tears just fall down to my cheek, and to the bed.

I could not help it, they say I was being foolish for falling in love to a person that do not love me. Deep inside, I still believe that there is love, deep inside, I still believe that it was me that had caused the breakup, and it was be that had put our relationship into that fine thin line.

I could have salvage it, I just know I could.

It has been almost 9 months since we break up, and I am still here, hugging my pillow tight, hoping that it was the boy that I was hugging.

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For now, I am hosted on a free hosting server, 250 MB of space and etc etc which I think is better than Blogger, so I took the opportunity to sign up and install Movable Type.

I kinda like this version as it has got a little bit of WordPress feel. I think it is much more stable and changing templates or skins do not exactly break things.

Anyways, if you were wondering where did I get the free hosting, you can check out my friend’s website and get the details from there.

See you guys.

P/S: The link is here.

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