I could not sleep this morning until 4 am. The bright moon light from the New York’s cityscape peeking through my window on my face.

I tried very hard to fall asleep.

The thought of us together got me awake. Ever since you found yourself in someone else’s arms, I have been thinking about you day and night.

It rained today. Not too heavy, but just rained.

I went out to the street, hopefully to get my mind off things for a moment.

I caught Chris online. I must say that I am glad I have someone that lives almost the same timezone as me. Being 12 hours behind everyone that I know sometimes is not a good thing for me, especially when I needed someone badly to chat with.

One mistake I make prior coming to New York.

When I was with the boy, we had our plans to move to New York. Study, and working together.

We even traveled to New York together to look at how the things are, to see if we could get used to our surroundings. We looked for a uni, a place to stay. While we were walking one day during our holiday, we saw this place that is up for sale. It is a quiet neighborhood, and we quite like the surroundings. We manage to contact the owner, and the owner was kind enough to meet us up on that day itself.

When we entered the place, I felt immediately like home. Located at the Upper West Side, it has windows overviewing Central Park. With private pool, we immediately fell in love with the place. Unlike condos or apartments, the loft has got no rooms, but rather a huge space where we can separate the rooms by ourselves. The scene of Queer as Folk immediately triggered both of our senses, and we totally forgot that the owner were actually waiting for us.

Dinner time that night was all about The Loft that we saw. We were visualizing how we would decorate the place, where we would put the bed, where will we put the LCD TV, the PS3, the kitchen and etc.

The next day itself, we spoken with the owner again, this time, I had paid a sum of USD5000 upfront as a deposit.

I was preparing for my university that is starting in a couple more days. A white envelope slipped and dropped to the floor of the loft.

When we were having our visit to New York, we had enrolled ourselves to one of the varsity here. When we broke up a year ago, the boy returned me the envelope together with the varsity’s offer letter. I must have slipped it in between my school documents, and now the memories of us being together is haunting me.

I had tried my best to design and decorate The Loft as per how the boy had wanted it. Maybe, I had a thought that maybe some day the boy would come back. For the past few nights after I have arrived here, I imaged myself cooking at the kitchen for The Boy. Both of us would be happy feasting on the meal that we had prepare, and perhaps a sip of wine looking over Central Park.

Maybe the idea of me wanting to continue to New York was a big mistake. Maybe I thought it is the only memory that I could savage from our sad sob relationship.

Maybe I had not wanted to savage the relationship at all. The things that had been going through my mind at that time when I had argued with The Boy. The things that I have done that would have hurt his feelings. They say, you will not appreciate something until you lose it. I guess, it is true to an extend.

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It was a prank that I have pulled that went seriously wrong.

At first, I thought I wanted to see his reaction on how he would see things. Now, I guess I have to change my point of view to a whole new perspective.

I could not sleep last night. Penning my last entry I was already exhausted, perhaps with what has been going on for the past few months, perhaps with what has been going on lately. I tried to slot in hints on my Facebook, hints that I wasn’t ready for a long distance relationship. I am a ‘closeted’ person. Closeted not that I am not out, but a rather, I prefer to be close to someone, the be able to hug the person, to kiss the person, and in return to be loved.

I hug my friends, I sometime kisses my friends. Often I am not careful when I am doing this, and many would think I am actually hitting on them. My preferences of liking another person of the same sex doesn’t make them get comfortable with me, some even prefer to stay away from me, as far as they can.

Why? I wonder sometimes why would I rather ‘choose’ to be a gay boy than choosing to be a straight and live a ‘normal’ life. What actually determine that being straight is actually normal, and being gay isn’t? People keep on telling me that being gay is just a choice, being gay is just a person being disobedient towards God, but really?

People get envious of me, they start to call me names. It’s fine really. They start to accuse me of things that I have not done, they started to think I am another person, a ‘faker’ because I had done a lot to help that person. Why is that that it is so hard to believe?

I went to the Tsukiji Fish Market, in the futile attempt to exhaust myself so that I could rest, and prepare the flight to Singapore. I failed, miserably.

Looking at the tuna’s, the salmon and the fishes reminds me of the boy. Do not even try to ask me how or why, but if I had the guts to, I would have break down and cry right smack center of the fish market.

The hussle and bussle of the fish market throw me into deeper thoughts. In the midst of the fishermen, the midst of the trader, there stand a boy, three thousand miles away from home.

For what?

Just because he had wanted a chance to be alone, to try that feeling of being lonely, to get away and forget that selective memory, and hopefully keep the good ones intact.

Again, it failed miserably.

Asking myself, WHY did God had created human, and yet putting them into relationship stress like this. Would it not be a wonderful world if the humans have a manual for relationships?

I started to think again by myself, how should I be surviving the rest of my life. Should all these be just a temporary hindrance? Just an obstacle in life?

“Daijobu desu ka? Daijobu desu ka? Are you okay?”

The voice of a young Japanese boy awaken me from my thoughts. I must have been standing there for a very long time judging from the lesser about of people walking past me.

“Daijobu desu ka?”

The boy asked me again.

“Daijobu, domo”

I replied.

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David is a shy but daring boy. He loves getting loved, and loves loitering in shopping complex. He called me and asked if I was free to bring him around.

We wanted to get ourself to Pavilion, but did not quite make it thanks to the glooming rain, and the forever havoc traffic. It was almost impossible to get to Pavilion.

We took a big U-turn and tried to head our way back to Pavilion. Instead, I took the wrong turn, and ended up on Federal Highway. With no choice to be made, we head over to Ikea for that lunch that both of us were craving for.

I took the Ikea meatballs, one of my all time favorite dish in Ikea Cafe.

David ordered the Chicken dish, I forgot to take picture of that so I post a Salmon dish that I had with the boy last time. HEHEH.

We both endulged ourself with Daim Cake, and the new Cheese Cake. It has been quite some time that I have not been to Ikea for food. I guess, ever since I have broke up with the boy, and the place brings back the memories.

David wanted to try out some pants. We walked over to The Curve to check out what they have to offer. I must admit, that looking for a pair of short pants is really hard for the waist size of 28!

Giving up, we just walked around, people watching as David put it. The crowd was still okay, with the weekend street bazaar.

Time flies when you are with someone that you really like. It was almost midnight when I sent David back. I guess, we were both tired, but it was a really good outing together. We seems to have found the part where we could understand each other, although I would still prefer to have a English speaking boy friend.

I guess, sometimes one cannot be so picky, no?

Oh, while we were having our lunch, I thought I saw someone familiar. So I dialed his number, and he did not answer. I thought I saw the wrong person. He called back instead. Hello there Medie007. Dating huh ?

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Yes, maybe I do not know how to put things in words. Maybe I am just confused of the certain feelings that I have right now, maybe it was just nothing.

His voice still echoes deep inside. I could still hear him saying things to me. Was it just my imagination, or just merely because I missed him so much?

It has been almost a year that we both break up officially. It was also the time where the boy had hitched a ride and went home with someone. It was the time when I heard news about the boy not going back home, and I cried and cried because I had missed him so damn much.

I do not know why, but my feelings in such way is only the first time towards the boy. I had no problem letting my other boy friends go, no matter how much we claimed to be in love with each other. I sometimes wasn’t sure if it was the companionship that me and the boy both had, or it was the sex that was so great.

Listening to the songs in my iPhone do not make things much more easier for me. When my song list goes to the song “Shake It” by Metrostation, I think about how I make fun of the song. When my song list goes to “Sorry, Blame it on me” by Akon, I think about how the boy had talked about the meaning of the song, about the story behind it. I listen to Britney and I will think about how I used to whine when he put on Britney.

They say, time will heal albeit slowly. Really?

I still see my wounds, fresh and wet. Tears? They have not abandoned me, still visits me all the time.

The boy had not contacted me for almost three months now. The last time I tried to talk to him was when I called him to wish him a happy birthday.

I had no other means of contacting him beside the phone call. I could however just stop by his place and gave him a surprise visit, but I do not really want to freak him out.

A friend once asked me.

“Do you think you still can be as how it used to be, if the boy had come back to you again?”

I guess, things would not be the same anymore. We as human beings, are not that forgiving as we want us to be ourselves. It isn’t too hard to apologize, it isn’t that hard to say that I am sorry. How easy for it for someone to forgive, and hopefully to forget?

If you loved someone and you break up, where does the love go?

How can we transform a once passionate love, into something that fits nice and easily onto the friendship shelf? I wonder, instead of pretending each other doesn’t exist, can’t we be friends or something ?

I really hope someday, very soon, that we can all meet for a drink and be great friends; just like in the movies.

Memories. Light the corners of my mind. Misty water-colored memories. Of the way we were. Can it be, can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time re-written every line? If we had the chance to do it all again. Tell me. Would we? Could we?

I would have not hurt you deliberately, will you forgive me, L?

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I would want to blame it on the different time zones, they call it jet lagged. Yes, I have been living on a jet setter’s lifestyle since late November. It was fun, to be able to travel all around, meeting different people before I start myself in Uni in May.

But that is not the point, the point is, I wanted to stay away from my home in Kuala Lumpur. I had wanted to do this for a very long time, trying to see if I could forget the boy. The truth is, I can’t. On the boy’s birthday last year, while I was in Brazil, I gave the boy a call to wish him a happy birthday. I mean, it would only be appropriate if I do that, at least, I thought it that way.

Not only was I wrong about the whole thing, I still ended up crying at night, hugging a pillow, that I was well aware that it would not hug me back.

It was Chinese New Year. I remembered last year’s pretty well. I was in hometown, and could not let myself not missing the boy. We practically texted each other the whole day. I had to run around the house because the house was surrounded by hills, and Maxis coverage wasn’t that great, then I found the perfect spot, the store room.

Sweating and sneezing, I embraced myself, just for the sake of not wanting to miss his text messages. Silly, I know. That’s what we all do for love, no?

Deep inside, back to reality, I thought I could forget him if I leave my room, leave everything behind and move somewhere else. I could not move to Singapore because that was our initial plan. We both continue our studies in Singapore.

Singapore will bring back the memories, I would definitely sure about it. Then, during my vacation, I cried, and cried again, hugging the cold hotel pillows, streak of tears just fall down to my cheek, and to the bed.

I could not help it, they say I was being foolish for falling in love to a person that do not love me. Deep inside, I still believe that there is love, deep inside, I still believe that it was me that had caused the breakup, and it was be that had put our relationship into that fine thin line.

I could have salvage it, I just know I could.

It has been almost 9 months since we break up, and I am still here, hugging my pillow tight, hoping that it was the boy that I was hugging.

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I could not justify myself why and how did I do that; I had threaten the boy that I would go to his family to get back whatever money that he had owed me. The money that I used to pay for his college, the money that I gave him for spending, the money that I used to buy him gifts and presents.

I had a good reason to do that, the boy wanted to terminate all communication he got with me. He initiated it by deleting me off his MSN contacts, I found that out when I looked at the reverse list and could not find him there.

The boy said that he wanted it off because he do not want to think of me anymore. He had trouble letting me off his mind, and same goes for me.

Every time when we argue, I always use threat to go against him. I had promised him prior to this that I will not threaten him anymore, I had to at the end, because I do not want the relationship/friendship to end this way.

Had a few hours of talk yesterday night. I was supposed to go over to his place to grab his thumb drive so that I can put in Gossip Girl or songs for him. Suddenly the question of him having sex with his boy friend came to my mind. I had to know, it was a deal before, and I wish to keep that deal. The deal is that, if I pay for his college fees, he are not supposed to fall in love with another person, nor can he have sex with another person. Later on, I told him that I do not mind if he found someone else that could take care of him.

I do not know why did I say that to him, that I do not mind if he found another lover. I know I do not mean to say it, but I did. I just have to accept the fact that he is now gone.

For the past week, I have been to clubs, drinking and trying to enjoy the music. I do not want to stay in my room for the most of the time, because everything I see in my room, it will remind me of him.

The pictures that I have framed up, the teddy bear that he gave me, the lip gloss that he introduced me to, the shirt that we choosed together, every single thing will remind me of the boy.

Until now, I still could not explain the such big impact that the boy had with me.

I met the boy. I wanted to discuss the plans that we have. He had stop ignoring me and started to talk to me again, so I went over to his place, and wanted to grab something from him. I said something wrong, something about him not able to have sex for the next 4 years. We desperately need that conversation.

I asked him, even after we have broke up since April, why did he still go out with me, making love together, and do things that couple do ? He can only answer me, because he thought we still have another chance to be together.

I can’t think straight. I threw the box of cosmetics that I have spent over RM500 out the window. He said he do not need my help anymore, he can manage it himself. Really?

I do not know what I want, I do not know what he want. Will we ever be together again? Will we even be able to be friends? Will I get jealous when he tell me things about him and his boy friend? Will I get angry if he don’t call me anymore?

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