Cedric Ang

I could not sleep this morning until 4 am. The bright moon light from the New York’s cityscape peeking through my window on my face.

I tried very hard to fall asleep.

The thought of us together got me awake. Ever since you found yourself in someone else’s arms, I have been thinking about you day and night.

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I tried so hard, I really did.

It was a prank that I have pulled that went seriously wrong.

At first, I thought I wanted to see his reaction on how he would see things. Now, I guess I have to change my point of view to a whole new perspective.

I could not sleep last night. Penning my last entry I was already exhausted, perhaps with what has been going on for the past few months, perhaps with what has been going on lately. I tried to slot in hints on my Facebook, hints that I wasn’t ready for a long distance relationship. I am a ‘closeted’ person. Closeted not that I am not out, but a rather, I prefer to be close to someone, the be able to hug the person, to kiss the person, and in return to be loved.

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I guess me and David got even closer after that day of meeting him.

David is a shy but daring boy. He loves getting loved, and loves loitering in shopping complex. He called me and asked if I was free to bring him around.

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My mind is almost blank, but yet there is this feeling inside me that makes me want to shout out to the world that I have a lot on my mind, and yet still empty.

Yes, maybe I do not know how to put things in words. Maybe I am just confused of the certain feelings that I have right now, maybe it was just nothing.

His voice still echoes deep inside. I could still hear him saying things to me. Was it just my imagination, or just merely because I missed him so much?

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Sleeplessness, that is what I can use to describe myself.

I would want to blame it on the different time zones, they call it jet lagged. Yes, I have been living on a jet setter’s lifestyle since late November. It was fun, to be able to travel all around, meeting different people before I start myself in Uni in May.

But that is not the point, the point is, I wanted to stay away from my home in Kuala Lumpur. I had wanted to do this for a very long time, trying to see if I could forget the boy. The truth is, I can’t. On the boy’s birthday last year, while I was in Brazil, I gave the boy a call to wish him a happy birthday. I mean, it would only be appropriate if I do that, at least, I thought it that way.

Not only was I wrong about the whole thing, I still ended up crying at night, hugging a pillow, that I was well aware that it would not hug me back.

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I have tried so hard to protect him, but at the end, I ended up as his worst enemy.

I could not justify myself why and how did I do that; I had threaten the boy that I would go to his family to get back whatever money that he had owed me. The money that I used to pay for his college, the money that I gave him for spending, the money that I used to buy him gifts and presents.

I had a good reason to do that, the boy wanted to terminate all communication he got with me. He initiated it by deleting me off his MSN contacts, I found that out when I looked at the reverse list and could not find him there.

The boy said that he wanted it off because he do not want to think of me anymore. He had trouble letting me off his mind, and same goes for me.

Every time when we argue, I always use threat to go against him. I had promised him prior to this that I will not threaten him anymore, I had to at the end, because I do not want the relationship/friendship to end this way.

Had a few hours of talk yesterday night. I was supposed to go over to his place to grab his thumb drive so that I can put in Gossip Girl or songs for him. Suddenly the question of him having sex with his boy friend came to my mind. I had to know, it was a deal before, and I wish to keep that deal. The deal is that, if I pay for his college fees, he are not supposed to fall in love with another person, nor can he have sex with another person. Later on, I told him that I do not mind if he found someone else that could take care of him.

I do not know why did I say that to him, that I do not mind if he found another lover. I know I do not mean to say it, but I did. I just have to accept the fact that he is now gone.

For the past week, I have been to clubs, drinking and trying to enjoy the music. I do not want to stay in my room for the most of the time, because everything I see in my room, it will remind me of him.

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