David is a shy but daring boy. He loves getting loved, and loves loitering in shopping complex. He called me and asked if I was free to bring him around.

We wanted to get ourself to Pavilion, but did not quite make it thanks to the glooming rain, and the forever havoc traffic. It was almost impossible to get to Pavilion.

We took a big U-turn and tried to head our way back to Pavilion. Instead, I took the wrong turn, and ended up on Federal Highway. With no choice to be made, we head over to Ikea for that lunch that both of us were craving for.

I took the Ikea meatballs, one of my all time favorite dish in Ikea Cafe.

David ordered the Chicken dish, I forgot to take picture of that so I post a Salmon dish that I had with the boy last time. HEHEH.

We both endulged ourself with Daim Cake, and the new Cheese Cake. It has been quite some time that I have not been to Ikea for food. I guess, ever since I have broke up with the boy, and the place brings back the memories.

David wanted to try out some pants. We walked over to The Curve to check out what they have to offer. I must admit, that looking for a pair of short pants is really hard for the waist size of 28!

Giving up, we just walked around, people watching as David put it. The crowd was still okay, with the weekend street bazaar.

Time flies when you are with someone that you really like. It was almost midnight when I sent David back. I guess, we were both tired, but it was a really good outing together. We seems to have found the part where we could understand each other, although I would still prefer to have a English speaking boy friend.

I guess, sometimes one cannot be so picky, no?

Oh, while we were having our lunch, I thought I saw someone familiar. So I dialed his number, and he did not answer. I thought I saw the wrong person. He called back instead. Hello there Medie007. Dating huh ?

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It worked up pretty okay at first. I went over to Harry’s place to pick his sleepy ass up, then went over to David’s to pick him up. We wanted to head over to my place because it was a little too early to do the shopping that Harry wanted to do. Everything seems to be in place, Harry and David both in my room. Harry messaged me on MSN (we were just sitting side by side). He would not want David to know what is going on. David is smart, I guess. He was curious that why we were both talking on MSN instead. I guess, his defensive mode came on.

I told Harry on MSN that I would get out of my room for him to get closer with David.

Which Harry did.

I guess David had suspected something amiss. Not only did he not falling for the bait, he turn on his defensive mode.

Our plan seems to fail. I wasn’t ready to give up yet. I started to hug Harry, kissing him. Harry wasn’t too comfortable because was just beside us. I continue kissing and playing with Harry, partially because miss Harry, and partially I wanted David to join the fun.

Then, Harry gave up, David wasn’t going to get the hard on, despite our flirting effort, the bundle of porn, and the dirty talks.

Harry sent David off. It was our time now. I started kissing Harry, Harry kissed back. He seems to love the teasing of tongue on his nipple. I moved down further to work on his already hard cock.

I continue with my finger down to his love channel, smearing it with enough lubricant and ensure that it wasn’t too wet.

I sucked Harry good, he was moaning. I wasn’t sure if Harry purposely does so to arouse David who is outside of the room, but I did open the door so that some sexy moaning noise could be leaked out.

I turned Harry over, he wasn’t sure to letting me fuck. I tried convincing him that I would go slowly.

We both loved the companionship. Harry seems to be a bit regretful of what had happen, but I guess that is what happen when friends have sex, some people just could not get over it!

I miss Harry .. gosh!

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Yes, maybe I do not know how to put things in words. Maybe I am just confused of the certain feelings that I have right now, maybe it was just nothing.

His voice still echoes deep inside. I could still hear him saying things to me. Was it just my imagination, or just merely because I missed him so much?

It has been almost a year that we both break up officially. It was also the time where the boy had hitched a ride and went home with someone. It was the time when I heard news about the boy not going back home, and I cried and cried because I had missed him so damn much.

I do not know why, but my feelings in such way is only the first time towards the boy. I had no problem letting my other boy friends go, no matter how much we claimed to be in love with each other. I sometimes wasn’t sure if it was the companionship that me and the boy both had, or it was the sex that was so great.

Listening to the songs in my iPhone do not make things much more easier for me. When my song list goes to the song “Shake It” by Metrostation, I think about how I make fun of the song. When my song list goes to “Sorry, Blame it on me” by Akon, I think about how the boy had talked about the meaning of the song, about the story behind it. I listen to Britney and I will think about how I used to whine when he put on Britney.

They say, time will heal albeit slowly. Really?

I still see my wounds, fresh and wet. Tears? They have not abandoned me, still visits me all the time.

The boy had not contacted me for almost three months now. The last time I tried to talk to him was when I called him to wish him a happy birthday.

I had no other means of contacting him beside the phone call. I could however just stop by his place and gave him a surprise visit, but I do not really want to freak him out.

A friend once asked me.

“Do you think you still can be as how it used to be, if the boy had come back to you again?”

I guess, things would not be the same anymore. We as human beings, are not that forgiving as we want us to be ourselves. It isn’t too hard to apologize, it isn’t that hard to say that I am sorry. How easy for it for someone to forgive, and hopefully to forget?

If you loved someone and you break up, where does the love go?

How can we transform a once passionate love, into something that fits nice and easily onto the friendship shelf? I wonder, instead of pretending each other doesn’t exist, can’t we be friends or something ?

I really hope someday, very soon, that we can all meet for a drink and be great friends; just like in the movies.

Memories. Light the corners of my mind. Misty water-colored memories. Of the way we were. Can it be, can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time re-written every line? If we had the chance to do it all again. Tell me. Would we? Could we?

I would have not hurt you deliberately, will you forgive me, L?

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I could feel my heartbeat taking me down
And for the moment, I would sleep alright
Invading with a selfish fear
To keep me up another restless night
Another restless night

The blood was dry, it was sober
The feeling of audible cracks
And I could tell it was over
From the curtains that hung from your neck

And I realized that then you were perfect
And my teeth ripping out of my head
And it looked like a painting I once knew
Back when my thoughts weren’t entirely intact

To pray for what I thought were angels
Ended up being ambulances
And the Lord showed me dreams of my daughter
She was crying inside your stomach

And I felt love again

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Skating rink, I love them, I hate them.

It was one of those days when I was at Pyramid Ice. I captured this picture with my iPhone, and thought the guy was pretty good looking.

I don’t know, but I have been always in the liking for someone that is younger than me. My friends say that I like them you, I guess.

I had always loved the skating rink. It was my second time on the rink, I think. It looked so easy when you see people young and old gliding on the ice gracefully. My first time, it was slippery, nevermind that. The grooves that those people make on the ice, felt right to my legs. Why can’t people build softer skating shoes? Perhaps that way, I don’t feel the grooves on the ice?

It was a weird feeling, a feeling that I did not remember from my first time skating at Pyramid Ice.

I still remember the first time, after so many times of persuading that the boy need to do, that I went over to the rink, with him and another friend. The boy gave the excuse that we can finally hold hands in public, which is a very much given excuse, ever since my fondness of public display of affection.

After that much persuasion I finally gave in, and with another friend, we went to the skating rink.

The stinky shoes, the chill from the ice, the soggy gloves.

I finally did it. I was on the ice. The boy hold me by my hand, slowly dragging me. I tried to slide on the ice myself, and to no avail, I felt like my world been shaking too much, I can’t stand still on my feet.

There it was, the fall. Right smack center of that 2 butt cheeks. I felt the ice cracking until the skin of my pants, I really did.

I sat there on the ice, unspoken. Still traumatized from the fall. The fear that I feared the most.

It was those feeling where you wanted to shout out loud, but there’s something that is blocking your vocal cords. It was the same feeling that I had last time, when I fell down from the bicycle on the way to school.

I do admire people that can skate very well. I admire that they do not have the phobia of falling down like I did. I know damn well that, without this falling sensation, I too can be very good at it. I love the carefree movements, I love the speed and I love the sensation of wind rubbing against the hair.

Of course, the boy picked me up after that. He was worried. He kept on asking me if I was alright, but I can’t answer him. Just kept on nodding to him, and he then took me the the bench.

He hold me tight, worried about what had happened. I can see it from his eyes that he had regret dragging me to the skating rink despite my protest. I wish I could tell him it was alright, and that I do not blame him.

We hugged, for once at the bench at the skating rink compound, in the public eyes, we hugged.

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I would want to blame it on the different time zones, they call it jet lagged. Yes, I have been living on a jet setter’s lifestyle since late November. It was fun, to be able to travel all around, meeting different people before I start myself in Uni in May.

But that is not the point, the point is, I wanted to stay away from my home in Kuala Lumpur. I had wanted to do this for a very long time, trying to see if I could forget the boy. The truth is, I can’t. On the boy’s birthday last year, while I was in Brazil, I gave the boy a call to wish him a happy birthday. I mean, it would only be appropriate if I do that, at least, I thought it that way.

Not only was I wrong about the whole thing, I still ended up crying at night, hugging a pillow, that I was well aware that it would not hug me back.

It was Chinese New Year. I remembered last year’s pretty well. I was in hometown, and could not let myself not missing the boy. We practically texted each other the whole day. I had to run around the house because the house was surrounded by hills, and Maxis coverage wasn’t that great, then I found the perfect spot, the store room.

Sweating and sneezing, I embraced myself, just for the sake of not wanting to miss his text messages. Silly, I know. That’s what we all do for love, no?

Deep inside, back to reality, I thought I could forget him if I leave my room, leave everything behind and move somewhere else. I could not move to Singapore because that was our initial plan. We both continue our studies in Singapore.

Singapore will bring back the memories, I would definitely sure about it. Then, during my vacation, I cried, and cried again, hugging the cold hotel pillows, streak of tears just fall down to my cheek, and to the bed.

I could not help it, they say I was being foolish for falling in love to a person that do not love me. Deep inside, I still believe that there is love, deep inside, I still believe that it was me that had caused the breakup, and it was be that had put our relationship into that fine thin line.

I could have salvage it, I just know I could.

It has been almost 9 months since we break up, and I am still here, hugging my pillow tight, hoping that it was the boy that I was hugging.

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Many of my friends thinks that I was being foolish by supporting him in his studies, but to me, I think it is worth it as I thought it will give me the time to slowly regain the boy’s confidence.

A friend told me, that in a relationship, we cannot expect the other party to be always forgiving, and can see where is he coming from.

The relationship between me and the boy has been up and down. The most recent argument that we had was because I told him that I do not like items that flashes their logo or brand. Like a tee shirt, with a big NIKE logo at the front. The boy misunderstood me for saying that he is flashy. Why did I say that in the first place? We both agreed that we have different taste when we went shopping the other day at Pavilion. The things that he choose to buy, all bearing big logos at the front. I on the there hand, choose the more subtle designs.

I miss the boy, his hugs, his kisses that he would shower me occasionally. Of recent, he don’t do that anymore. He said he don’t kiss me because I smoke, which I still do because of office stress. I have been cutting down a lot since.

I can see the imperfection that is between us, I get angry at him one time too often, and he in return get angry at me. The story of the father of a daughter that spill the coffee on hi shirt come into a reality to me; it is often how you react to a situation that will be the conclusion at the end of the day. I realized it, a few months too late.

I still think that our relationship deserves it much needed second chance. Perhaps when the boy would be more mature into thinking (not that I think he is all immature all the time) but in the mean time, I too have to be careful of what I do and my actions.

Hoping one day when both of us would look back at our old entries on the blog, we would laugh at ourself on how foolish when we first started the relationship. I say that because I have confidence that I will be able to win back his heart, not by my words, but by my actions and reactions that I will change over the years. I really do not care how many years this will take me, or how many weeks, even months, I will try everything in my might to get back the confidence and the love that the boy once have for me.

To the bastards that are spreading rumors about me to the boy, you did a very good job. I am on the losing end because I had not prepare for the ‘war’. In fact, I wasn’t aware of ‘war’ because I had got nothing against any of you people. What I really want is just a relationship with someone that I love, my second half that I would call a soul mate, a darling, a lover.

Just barely 24 hours ago when I saw L’s MSN messages seems to portray something that I am afraid of. He was in love again, and it can be seen from his MSN messages. I messaged him, after almost 2 weeks of silence, he told me he had found someone else. I broke down in tears, immediately after he said that word that I would not wish the answer to be, the dreaded three letter word.

I needed someone to talk to again, Frankie is asleep, it was too early in the morning. I called A, he too was about to sleep. I had no one to call.

I look at the pictures that I have readily of the boy, more tears coming out from the side of my eyes that I wish that they just vanish into thin air. I look at the teddy bear that I have bought for the boy, and he returned it to me because I wanted something that would smell like him. The bear smell like the boy, I sniff the bear again, the smell was long gone. I grab the bear closer to my nose, trying to draw in more air hoping to have a glimpse of the boy’s smell. I hold the teddy bear so tightly, that I would have suffocate it if it has a life. I weeped again.

I know I could have told the boy that I would refuse to help him if he has got another person that he love. I could have but after thinking hard, I told him that I would not mind if he do that. In reality, I do not want to see that happen, but I cannot be selfish.

I thought I could hold his heart in that 4 years when I pay for his studies, stupid I know, but I was ready for the price. I was willing to pay for the price, in the hope for that little chance.

He choose this path, to find happiness. I know I will only find my version of happiness with him around.

I was looking at this website that has got the boy’s picture. It was something that I had entered him to, and I am very proud of it. I had put in much of my support and effort to make it happen because it would be something that the boy would have wanted. I begged, and begged for my friends to help out, I spent countless hours and sleepless nights doing something that I should not do. Finally, he is in the top 20, something that I have been hoping for for the past 1 month, something that both of us were anticipating.

I wish that I could be there when he receive the grand prize, I can only wish.

To L, I wish you good luck in your new found love, I wish that you both have a happy ending, but I will not stop thinking of you, no matter how much time has passed.

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You see, in this short 5 months relationship, we have been together like well, too much. I won’t say its a good thing because the more we see each other, the more disagreement we have. Then again, I won’t say it’s a bad thing, because the period of time that we see each other, actually bonds us together even stronger.

Well, unfortunately I raised my voice and cursed at him for no obvious reasons. The only thing that I can do now is to regret my actions, and try to get him back again.

1. L has got this problem where he cannot control his tongue to remove sticky stuffs from his mouth. There was this incident where he stuffed a mochi and had problems with it. 2. His lips, really soft lips that caress me everywhere, I love them especially when it was place together with my lips. 3. L whines sometime when things do not go his way. In a way, I like it because it shows the other side of him, the child like side. 4. L walks differently, somehow, when you see him walking, you will immediately fall in love with the way he walk. 5. L will always take off his pants when he is in my room, he claims that he is hot, but usually after he take off his pants, he will hide under the sheets. I think it’s darn erotic. 6. L’s indecisive in choosing where to eat makes it easier for both of us to agree on what food to take to fulfill our appetite. 7. L speaks english with me, my first boy friend that is fluent with the english language. I always wanted that. 8. He likes to rub himself over me when I’m hugging him from the back. Somehow it feels dearly, and well .. erotic. 9. L loves raw japanese food. I think it’s healthy, he thinks it’s delicious. 10. Nothing beats having McD at 3 am in the morning. Yummilicious! 11. Actions of him when he’s shy, you simply cannot resist him. 12. The way he sleeps, looks so peaceful, so relax, so KISSABLE! 13. Movie buff, loves music. Who can deny the best form of entertainment ever ? 14. Fashionable. Someone that I would not mind going out with. 15. Talkative. The car don’t feel so silent anymore!

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A few people had sent me email about it, and I thank you guys for the concerns, I really do. I think my post could have been misunderstood, or making some people confused and thus asking me questions; questions is something I do not need now, what I need is some time to myself, and to think about the repercussions of the things that I have done.

This post would, hopefully explain all.

A really good question was presented to me, “What is a relationship to you?”

To me, a relationship means that a person is part of you. I take L as a person that is part of me. What I do or wherever I go, I want L to be with me. He is like my limbs and soul together; without one, the other would not work.

I have not been in and out of many relationships, at least I don’t think I had. My longest relationship with someone was almost 2 years. It ended up really badly. I found out that he was seeing another person. Furious, I checked up the other person, and I got him out. Since he loved to be fucked, I abused him that night. The last I heard from him was, he almost could not walk straight.

I still kept in contact with K, I brought K out one day to my house. I wanted to hurt him badly, and I did. I guess that was the last time he is going to be a bottom, at least for a very long time.

Then came A, A is a nice sweet boy. I never had the heart to hurt him, but I seem to show that I cared him a lot, a little too much. Defensive move kicked in, we broke up on the context that I was too sticky.

When it comes to L, all these angst and disappointment never exist. I had my very much afraid trust on him. I know he would not be cheating on me not because he said so, is because of my gut feelings. I wasn’t sure about the relationship when we first started; I still flirt around, looking and seeing other boys’ pictures. I do throw comments to L how pretty someone looked when we were out, I can see that L is annoyed. It continued for a while, until I realized that I was in this relationship for good.

It did not take me a long time to get used to single hood when I lost K, not because I did not love him as much as I do to A and L, but the amount of angst and hatred override the love.

I still could not get rid of the idea that L would leave me one day for another person. He lives in a closet, a closet that he is very much comfortable. The moment he step half of his foot out of the closet, he quickly take it back for the fear in the homophobic world.

As for me, I had been out of the closet since the ancient times. Whether if it was of embracing the stones of hatred of the homophobic world, or embracing the stabs from the same queer people that I have fucked with, I have got used to it.

We seems to be living in different world set apart by our minds and thinking; Surreal of the surroundings L seems to be very paranoid of.

My mind went blank again, mainly because of how I have treated the relationship. I am guilty for trying to involve L in the things that I had done. I thought it would be okay for him to be out together with my friends. My friends had noticed my disappearance. I mean why not? I would spent hours and hours after work with L. Whether it was for a movie (or two) for a drink or what not, we would spend our night together until the wee hours in the morning.

Saturdays or Sundays are of no exceptions. We would be walking around shopping malls and buying stuffs. Exploring every inch of what the shop had got to offer. Sitting by the corner of Borders reading books had been a habit too.

On those nights that we are not out together, I would be spending my night in my room. Either being lazy on the bed and slowly drift into my dreams, or sitting on the floor comfortably in thinking mode. I would not want to go out and spend time with my friends anymore, not after having 4 or 5 hours of sleep daily.

All these comes with the territory. Once I have stepped in to this relationship, it is either I lose him or I lose my friends. I understand that my friends and L should not be mixed together, it never occurred to me until the day when L walked away from me, that he is being utterly uncomfortable with the whole set up. It came a moment too late.

The previous night, I really wanted to see L, really wanted to be with him, to hug him, to kiss him. It was late, not too late in our books, but he was tired. I jokingly said that I would find a duck instead (duck is a local slang for gigolo). I had used that trick many times, and he knows what I meant too. Duck is also how I describe my pillow. It was filled with duck feathers making it smell like duck.

He did warned me about sleeping outside. He wasn’t joking about that and I know it. He is very protective over his assets. Being me, I think he can’t get the security that other guys might be able to give him. I like sex, I am always on the high side. The little brother there seems to have a mind of his own. Having the thought of me sleeping around just does not make L sleeps more soundly. He is worried that I might get drifted away.

The romantic side of me never surface, at least I thought it did not. L reminded me something that I have said to him before, “I am not a romantic person”. To me, dining in dim lights do not make anything seems romantic at all. I don’t even know what is the true meaning of romantic, and thinking of to be one is out of the question.

He said the SMS that I have sent him was really romantic. I could not recall which, I scroll back my sent folder, and I find nothing romantic at all. Which message was it, was it “You making me hot. Feels like butterflies inside me. Hugging you calms me down.” Not quite. Maybe it was “Cause you make me hot. Thinking of you makes me gaga. You make me crazy about you.” I am confused.

I tried again the other night, thought it might be ‘romantic’ to tell him how much I missed him. Only that I have used a bad example, the duck.

Sex was freely available between us. L refused to call it sex, or having sex. He would call it making love. Which I strongly agree. We are not only having sex, we were making love. Exploring each other’s body, kissing each other’s sensitive zones putting each other in sensual ecstasy.

Our love making sessions often last for a few hours, that explains how we manage to drag our time till the wee morning. It would not have a toll on me if I send him back home in the morning on the way to work. However, L could not sleep on my bed. Unless he is really really tired. Even that, a slight squeak on the door would wake him up. I had to send him home, or else he would be turning and turning all night long. No point forcing him to stay, or put him in front of the computer the whole night. I just had to send him back.

I remembered a couple of times when I was least comfortable bringing L back home, we overnight in a budget hotel. Our love making sessions continued till the morning. It wasn’t just pure thrusting and penetration. Kissing and cuddling was the main dish. We enjoyed the closeness of each other. Touching each other and the most importantly, the person that we loved and cared the most.

Reading the past SMS that L had sent to me on the very day he asked for a break sends tears down my cheek. At the beginning of this post, I thought I can brave the wave and write down my heart feelings with less emotion, I was wrong.

I remembered my first date with a closet gay guy. We never stepped out of my house when we date. I don’t know but I think it was sex all the way. There were no holding hands, there were no shopping or movies together.

With K, it was sex that drives the relationship. Every time I buy something for him, he in return would make me happy by giving sex.

A on the other hand, was a little different. Due to bad memories, sex was out of the question. A few days before A decided to leave me, the unimaginable thing happened. We had sex. Was it because I kept on asking all the time, or was it he finally gave up and give in. I would not know.

The unbalanced hormones kicked in again this morning. All I could think of was to hug L, to kiss him more than ever. Suddenly, sex is not important at all.

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