Well, the conversation was a pretty long one, but in the conversation, L said that he wasn’t too comfortable me mentioning about the things that we do together in the blog, he knows that I write about him. I guess that is how he sometimes check on me, and see how I feel about certain things.

Anyways, I have promised him that I am not going to mention anything about us in the blog from now on. I will just have to put my writings into my trusty diary that I have been neglected for so many years.

So for now, no more updates on my relationship with Lester. Sorry folks.

No related posts.

Lester has been struggling with his studies. He had not been having good sleep since then. I had told him that I would not mind getting him to Singapore to further his studies, and in the mean time, I can too start a new life there. It works both ways, depending on if we wanted it to work or not.

In a way, I am also buying time to make the relationship work. We will be staying together, and doing things together. Basically living together. Would things work out better then? For me, I am going there for the right reason, to start myself with a new life and dump everything here in Malaysia. My hatred towards my company, towards the people that I know here make me even want to move to Singapore even more. The question then struck me, if the relationship doesn’t work, then how?

I do understand that L need his time out sometimes. To be with his friends, people that’s the same age with him. I could not take the out of the sudden, because a couple of months ago, he is the only person that I see, and I am the only person that he sees. I can spend hours and hours of my time and his time together.

Why would I be doing all these, to send L to Singapore for his studies? There really is not much reason but to see him grow up equipped with something that I do not have. I do however hope that in a way, I can buy some time, for our courtship. Having that said, it is really as if I am buying the courtship by paying for his education. I am confused as well.

One of the big obstacles that both me and L are facing is actually me. Me being being hot tempered with him always, getting pissed off for small little things that L said, or small little gestures that I do not like.

Lester give me the mindset that he wants us to be together. I wasn’t sure if the education was a big big encouragement for him, but I certainly do not hope so. In the past, L had not show me any signs that he wants money, but rather a companionship, a partner, a boy friend. Then, things might change, in fact many things has changed between us. Whether am I the root cause of it, I do not know.

It all started when L unblocked me from his MSN. I wasn’t sure if he had broken up with his boy friend at that time, but it seems that their relationship was a bit rocky already. Perhaps L just needed someone to talk because he was worried about his studies, well that was what he claimed.

Some of the other things confused me as well, like he would not allow me to hold his hand anymore, in the car. I normally do that with him when we go out. He said to me, that he allowing me to do it once, doesn’t mean I can do it all the time. It really confuses me because he had no problem having sex with me, albeit a little different than last time.

What I dislike the most, is when L goes out with his friends. I really do not mind that he goes out with his normal friends, but going to La Queen isn’t something I was really fond of, thinking about the last incident that happened in the pub; He could spend time with his friends till wee hours in the morning, yet when he is with me, he is tired. His dislike for beers confused me as well because as far as I recall, he loves drinking beer.

I am confused if I am supposed to bring L to Singapore to further his education. I want to do it, but I am just confused with all the facts that are displayed right in front of me. I wasn’t sure if I can handle the kind of stress and the confusion. Then again, if I want to do it, then I should go ahead and do it.

We tried having heart to heart talks. I did finally realized what are the things that L are expected from me. Then, sometimes things are not going too well, perhaps it was because we both have different type of mindset on how things should be. It could because of the age thing, that I am really not sure.

Whatever it is, we have about a month to work things out. A month before we go to Singapore to get things done, and a month to set our targets and expectations. A month to sort out my trust for him, and not to get offended by small little things.

Then, perhaps I was expecting L to do something too much. Example, I would really love that if he could find something to do in the mean time to get his mind off his studies for a while. I told him to try to find a part time. He promised me that he would work out a part time schedule when we are in Singapore, but the false hope that L is placing in front of me really makes me worry.

I must say I am willing to do this, without regret. At least, I had not regretted going up to Genting to pluck a flower (albeit the wrong one) for L to surprise him when he was out with his friends. I had no regret even after being chased for destroying such a beautiful flower, but L doesn’t need to know that.

I am going to stay out of touch with L for a while, perhaps 2 weeks. Mainly to get the finances sorted out, to forget about him for a while, and see how we both feel about each other. In the mean time, I am also going out with a few other people. 2 weeks should be enough to let me think things over, I hope.

I really hope that love can be solve like a mathematics questions. Then again, if all mathematics questions can be solve, then experts would have solve the Riemann zeta-hypothesis already.

No related posts.

So many things needs to be answered. Uncertainties, confusion and what not.

When you are so used to having someone by your side and you become comfortable, out of the sudden you let down your deterrent but when you begin to believe in the most amazing things that could happen to you. It simply wears off when you realized you have just been idealistic and unrealistic.

Sometimes, we will have those days where we need someone to talk to. Technically we are not lonely because there are people all around us all the time. Unfortunately, not everyone beside us understand us like how we want them to be. Perhaps it is because are were all born incomplete, which is why we need to search for the other half to complete us, a soul mate, a darling, a lover.

It is often not easy, but we try anyway. We allow someone to know us, and eventually fall in love with us. Sometimes, when the right one didn’t come to rescue us in time, we call for the wrong one, and make them the right one for us.

Deep on our hearts, no matter how busy we are, we know that there is this special someone for us. We cannot just ask someone to love us the way we want them to, because this is not the way it works. Just when I thought I love L as much, it was a love too much. Like a predator chasing for its prey, we chase for desires and satisfaction.

I was in a dilemma. It is hard but true that we cannot always be together with the someone that we love the most, and have that someone love you as much in return. Nevertheless, satisfiable decision should not be made merely because you are surrounded with boundaries. It’s not fair to love someone because you think that he’s the best you can get rather he’s the best you need.

I held my believe in love when I had my first relationship with a boy that I hardly know. He is a closet gay, and is much more younger than me. Although he was caring and able to satisfy my physical needs, there are still the something that we did not do that qualify us as lovers. It was sex that tied us together.

I share strange relationships with younger guys I know, or people that I hardly know. Perhaps because deep inside me, I still have that child growing. Not childish, but a mere child-like behavior. My second relationship was a failure and I had only realized it after 14 months together with a boy that not only taxed me mentally, but financially. I wanted to be exclusive to someone, and not just a secondary object. I broke up again because I firmly believe that I should spend more time with my lover, and not him with his friends.

When I met L, it was a love hate relationship. Hate it because it had happened too fast. We were lovers on the second day itself. He was the person that I have been searching for, the someone that I know really cares about me.

When I saw L being together with someone else, the whole gay circle concept that I have been denying finally can put the pieces into place. It does work in circles because the guy that you fucked was someone your friends have sex with the previous week.

I miss L, I miss those hugs and kisses that L showered me always. I promised him that I would love him my whole life and make him my better half. My bad treatments to him was the only thing that kept us apart.

Normally, a relationship come in four stages; the first stage involved delightful messages, frequent phone calls and surprises, the second stage which is usually the sweet moment, the third stage expect bickering and fighting occasionally, lastly the fourth stage that will be the breaking point determine the outcome.

The imperfection of this ideal relationship seems to be clearer to me. Perhaps L was procrastinating and unwilling to savage our relationship with bits of romance? Who am I to judge? I was the one that call out for the break, I was the one that sent out the nasty messages to L. I was also the one that is trying to fix things up, no matter how broken it is.

What we needed sometime is reassurance no matter what we have chosen because without it we won’t be confident enough to carry on. An encouragement is essential to motivate anyone to work even harder in whatever he is doing so much so that even when we were disappointed it keeps us going.

I believe that when you gain something at the same time you lose something which I called rational sacrifices. You do not lose so much that you feel that you are the only one sustaining a relationship. I’ve adjusted the way I deal and treat L because single and attached is just not the same anymore. L, when you are ready to let go the dilemma that you are facing, please come to me.

Please do not give up on something that deserves a second chance.

No related posts.

As much as I do not understand how did L got together with the other guy, I could not understand it when the first time I met with L either. It was too random, too fast and too quick.

There are certain little things that one must be able to see, the small little things.

If I had only left the iPod with L, if I had only give him more attention instead of asking him questions and questions, if I had only control my temper, if I had only send him gentle words instead of harsh words when he’s hurt, if I had only …

I tried to put up a strong front end. I had guessed where he would be from all the connections. I have a couple of friends that had spotted him elsewhere in KL, but that doesn’t matter. L wants his time out, right?

As much as I want to see him, I scared that I break down in tears. I kept on telling him that I want to remain as friends, and I am trying to push that boy friend feeling OFF from my mind, and it did not really work that well.

I thought of clearing my mind a bit, and I managed to get hold of a friend of mine. He decided to go to his favorite hang out place in Sunway. I went there, and spot on, I knew I saw L. I told my friend, my ex boy friend is there, I don’t know if I can face it. I don’t know if HE can face it. I don’t know if his boy friend is as possessive as me would be able to face it too.

I called, and it was confirmed L. I went off. My friend of mine got pissed off because I was the one that asked him out, and I have to send him back now.

I send a sms to L, and L said they are all cool about it. I tried to make an excuse that I want to meet his friend, the younger one. L knew I was just using that as an excuse, spot on again.

I drank the first 4 bottles, I kept on brushing away the irritating beer lady away because I want to be alone, and well she just want to make me buy more beer by drinking mine.

So, L was there for a while to chat with me, then he went off, I called him back again, and he went off again.

I got a little angry because the main reason I was there was to see him. Perhaps he did not want to put up the strong end, perhaps his boy friend is pressuring him. I don’t know. I let it go, and I chatted with the chap.

Well, we did not chat much, I just needed a drink. I needed someone to talk to and the pub environment is just not a good place.

I went out and gave a call to L, I know that he went to Mc Donald’s to get something, but I did not know if he got lost or not, I was a little worried. He said he was fine, but there were news of the police raiding premises and he was at somewhere else.

It makes me think, why is L doing this. Why is he hanging out together with his working boy friend in a pub who has got no time for him. It irks me that L is sleeping with this guy just a couple of days of knowing him. It happened to same to me, and I thought that was quick.

Well, it was L’s choice, I can’t question him. The more I do, the more L would hate me. I know.

So I ordered another 5, and another 5. I got really really drunk. I called to L again after the place close. Before I left, I whispered to the chap to ask him to get back home early, and don’t drink too much. I drank his portion because he is having gastric attacks.

After 15 bottles of beer, you can’t possibly drive home. I drove around the corner, and I stopped by Mc Donald’s. Not that I am hoping L is there, but I stopped there because that was the safest place I can find.

I called L, I sent him a couple of messages. He got angry, I think. I was drunk, I was talking about my true heart feelings. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know what did I say. I want to remain as friends, but my mind keeps on telling me to tell L that I love him and I miss him.

L said he was busy after that, I guess the boy friend had finish packing up and ready to leave.

I know on this day, I drove like a maniac down on Federal Highway back home. I did not know why did I use Federal Highway, but I just did.

I was revving my car, pushing the car to the limit. I probably broken a dozen of rules just by that. Driving under influence, excessive speed, dangerous driving, cutting lanes with no indicator. You name it, and I got it.

I keep on asking my self, SLOW DOWN, I shouted at myself SLOW DOWN. It won’t work.

I got back home, I started calling people again. No one is there for me. I don’t want to call L because I know his boy friend would not be happy about it. Well, jealousy for starters.

Then, one of my best pal came online. I blurted to him, that I am drunk, get him to call me. I am amazed that he recognized what I was typing, and he called.

I talk to him on the phone for nearly 2 hours. He was really being nice, just by listening. Someone that I need, just to listen. My bad because I should be the one calling, not him.

I went out again, still under the influence.

Unfortunately this time, right outside my house, there was a police road block. I was pulled by the side. I tried to call to L while squatting at the road side, I did not know why the fuck did I do that, he is probably already sleeping. Perhaps they are making love together, fuck I don’t want to think about it.

Long story short, I had not much sleep. I am now at the office, and I still feel the alcohol rushing my heartbeat. It doesn’t matter. Because for all I know, I have already let out everything that I need to let out. I just need someone to listen to me, my friend already did that.

Whether I can get over L or not, it is still too early to tell. L is someone that can be beside me, someone that appreciate me, someone that is dearly to me. It is hard to find this kind of person. Like I have said, if I had taken much afford to find out what L wants from me, it would not be this way. I am just too ‘kan cheong’ about him sometimes, and he dislike it and sees it the other way.

As irritating as I might sound on the phone, I am not trying to push us being together, L. I know if I force it, it would not be nice to both of our relationship. People say you speak the truth when you are drunk. I agree. I think I need to give that friend a call again to see what I have blurted out for 2 hours.

Related posts:

1. Thinking of the boy I thought I would have forgotten him, but the incident...

You see, after that whole episods of me puking my guts out in my own room, I think I am suffering from depression and needs medical help. I mean, this is not normal, being suicidal is not normal. Besides having to clean my room full of puke, and blood, I guess I am okay.

Someone says that I sound very possessive. I wasn’t really. I was trying to protect L, I tried too hard. I was worried.

I have finally realized what I have done wrong. Things that I could easily fix. I want to do that, but I just need L to give me that one chance, a chance that I don’t really deserve unless I promise him I will not hurt him again.

Seeing who he is meeting, I totally disagree. I would want to tell him that, but at this stage if I do, he would think that I want to sabotage their friendship. I cannot let that happen, no matter how much disagreement I have. Perhaps all these are just coincidence that L was caught in the middle of it, then it would be a bigger problem.

The someone was right, there is no way I can shelter L the way I wanted to. He is young, and he needs his own space to breath. I have had that problem with A, I should have known better.

I took the relationship too seriously. L must have felt the pressure. Poor L.

From his daily ranting about his family matters to me, adding on by my pressures, I think any sane human being would have felt uneasy.

First off, I will need to see a doctor to settle my depression problems. The someone is right. I need the medication, otherwise, I will just repeat and repeat myself until I finally succeed. In which, it does not benefit anyone. I think I was lucky this time, because I had puked them out. I do not know what happened in between.

L, the reason I put this down on a blog is because I want to look back next time, and laugh at how silly I am. As much as I would want to publicly declare my love for L, I do not want to put the pressure on L. I want L to be happy with whatever decisions that he make.

I quote a close friend, “As human beings, we want things to work perfectly, to be smooth”. I agree. I want the relationship to be smooth and perfect. I thought by trying to understand you more, I can ask even more questions, in which it turned out to be like I am interrogating you, which it wasn’t. I know that now.

L, if you are reading this, I am going to step back a little, just to give you some space to breath. Please don’t think that I am leaving you, I am not. In fact, I am really jealous of how the things are now, and I really wish that you are together with me. You can come talk to me whenever you feel comfortable with; We had both agreed for a time out, so that is what it will be. You had not asked me for any protection, it is not right for me to shove it down your throat. I understand that now.

Thanks for the comforting messages that you guys sent me, it helped a lot. I am still worried, but I am going to seek help. Don’t worry for me, okay?

No related posts.

I had not had the hearts to leave L. I know I have always use that to threaten L and it never work, not a single once.

Me for one could not take the breakup that easily. Both of us are hard sells. He wants me to start it over again, I can’t seeing the amount of feelings that I had with him, and I certainly would not want to just ‘move on’.

There were a couple of small arguments that sparked between us for the last couple of months. I tried to doze the flame by ignoring it. L thinks that I am ignoring the issue, I think that I am just avoiding an argument.

Both of us think differently, I suspect it is because of the age, or perhaps it was the upbringing of L in his family. Getting trusts from him is like telling him it is safe to jump off a high building; it never happen. I would not be surprised that it is hard for him to not trust somebody. To him, trust is something that cannot be earned even through time. Trust is something that is awarded, somehow, somewhere.

The first couple of months when I was with L, I still had the urge to flirt with other cute young thing that comes on to my MSN once a while. L provided more than love to me, somewhere where I can rant my complains, somewhere that I put my hearts on. Most importantly, he is there when I needed someone. The urge to look for sex is just not there anymore. I have got something that is better than sex, love.

L is my 4th boy friend that I am so fond of. Not that I have many lovers to start with, but I must admit, I am not a very romantic kind of person. Words just can’t simply fly by my mind, and flatter L. All I know is to meet him up, give him a hug and a kiss and tell him how much I love him. This is what we learn from the movies, well at least the movies that I watch, but it isn’t enough.

L wanted me to chase him back again, start fresh, be friends again. How can I possible beat the feeling of ‘just friends’ when my feeling of him is a totally different world altogether? it just don’t make sense how couples can just ‘be friends’ after a breakup. It doesn’t feel right, and certainly not the right thing to do, I think.

My strategies on how to get back L is still zero, I am stuck here, and I know I will be stuck for a very long time.

For all I can remember, this is not the first time that we had the issue of breaking up. I had managed to patch things up a little, and I guess L too probably gave some slack. The situation is totally different now. It is not as simple as, “I love you baby, let’s get back together.”

It all started with that phone call that L gave me. He wanted to know why I was so eager to meet friends online. As in, the online friends that I chat with, those little buggers that don’t even bother to send me a “hi” sometimes. I am angry at myself, totally because of a jerk that I am when it comes to a voice to voice conversation. It doesn’t allow me to think. At least, in the text messaging world, it gives you a couple of minutes to construct your words together to make a good sentence.

Actually, the plan to meet up with this guy came way before L. We had plan to meet up, and probably fuck somewhere 1/2 year ago. When I met L, and got together with him, I had told the guy that I can’t do it anymore. I did tell him that if we were to meet up, I would want to bring my boy friend along, which he had hesitantly agreed.

L don’t see the way I see things. He forbids me of meeting someone new. To me, meeting someone new is interesting. I get to know people. It feels lonely sometimes when you don’t have much friends, you just need that someone to be there to rant, or to complain; stuffs that you cannot do with your lover often. L thinks otherwise, he thinks that it is not right to meet up with online friends. I can see that he was worried, but I saw that only a few moments too late. I wasn’t really in the mood of discussing why we should meet up, and why not. My mind that time wasn’t just set for that, at that time. I was being cranky.

I thought I had just save the relationship by telling L that I do not want to discuss about it, L took it the wrong way and thinks that I am avoiding it. In fact, I wasn’t. I was prepared not meet up with the guy, since the discussion between me and L took too long, the guy had went back anyway. However, this sort of discussion had to be done, for future acquaintances and etc. I thought it can be put back for a while more, I thought wrongly.

I had spend the previous night thinking about all these. Should I or should I not get him back. What about that whole ‘making new friends online’ issue? To me it did not matter anymore, because I had met the person that I have been wanting to meet online, the person that I want to end up growing old together, and getting married when the Malaysian Constitution allows gay marriages.

I cried again, thinking that I should just leave things as it is, separated. I cried myself to sleep only to wake up 3 hours later. I made up my mind that I should just leave things as it is, I sent L a message, telling him my decisions. I wanted my stuffs back, and asked him when would he be free so I can drop by, and probably say the last good bye. I too send him another message asking him if he really wanted it as in, the breakup.

I had wanted it at first. I was pissed at how L always had throw issues at me. I am pissed that he always play the ‘blame it on me game’. It’s something that I cannot deny, but I was really pissed at him.

Now that things calm down, I wanted him back. I know it was a long shot, of how I throw things around, but it just doesn’t feel right when a loving couple breakup just because of a small disagreement. I consider it as a small disagreement, because meeting up with people online is not a big deal. Hell, I have already found the person that I wanted to meet online, L.

I realized, these are the few things that I have got to tolerate sometimes. I tried, but just did not try hard enough.

I really do not know what to do now. L wants to start back fresh, as friends first and then slowly move from there.

I want to pick things up the way it is, say sorry and get on with it. I am not being pushy but I prefer to fix things up, rather than just a Ctrl+Alt+Del. I guess it is my personality. I do not want to start from friends first because I am afraid of losing L, if only I can put words into my hearts content, to tell L how truly I wish the relationship to last, and grow old together.

No related posts.