Cedric Ang

It slipped my mind for a while. After I got back from Genting, to pluck a flower for L, he called me.

Well, the conversation was a pretty long one, but in the conversation, L said that he wasn’t too comfortable me mentioning about the things that we do together in the blog, he knows that I write about him. I guess that is how he sometimes check on me, and see how I feel about certain things.

Anyways, I have promised him that I am not going to mention anything about us in the blog from now on. I will just have to put my writings into my trusty diary that I have been neglected for so many years.

So for now, no more updates on my relationship with Lester. Sorry folks.

Even thought we are seeing each other now, it seems like the situation has not improve at all. I don’t know how should I put it, but I am trying to do everything that I possibly can to get back L’s trust, and the relationship. I guess this is my ‘last card’ before I really give up and move on. 4 years is quite a bit of wait, especially for a person that is impatient like me.

Lester has been struggling with his studies. He had not been having good sleep since then. I had told him that I would not mind getting him to Singapore to further his studies, and in the mean time, I can too start a new life there. It works both ways, depending on if we wanted it to work or not.

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The gloomy weather is making me feeling depressed. Suddenly, it felt as if I am lost, in a wide open space. Everything just speeds on so fast, things beside us changed too rapidly that we can’t cope with the speed.

So many things needs to be answered. Uncertainties, confusion and what not.

When you are so used to having someone by your side and you become comfortable, out of the sudden you let down your deterrent but when you begin to believe in the most amazing things that could happen to you. It simply wears off when you realized you have just been idealistic and unrealistic.

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In life, there are just so many if’s and we just can’t answer to all of them.

As much as I do not understand how did L got together with the other guy, I could not understand it when the first time I met with L either. It was too random, too fast and too quick.

There are certain little things that one must be able to see, the small little things.

If I had only left the iPod with L, if I had only give him more attention instead of asking him questions and questions, if I had only control my temper, if I had only send him gentle words instead of harsh words when he’s hurt, if I had only …

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I had a long chat on MSN with a close friend, and I think I know what the problems is.

You see, after that whole episods of me puking my guts out in my own room, I think I am suffering from depression and needs medical help. I mean, this is not normal, being suicidal is not normal. Besides having to clean my room full of puke, and blood, I guess I am okay.

Someone says that I sound very possessive. I wasn’t really. I was trying to protect L, I tried too hard. I was worried.

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One of the hardest thing that comes in any ‘breakup package’ is the amount of tears that you are required to shred.

I had not had the hearts to leave L. I know I have always use that to threaten L and it never work, not a single once.

Me for one could not take the breakup that easily. Both of us are hard sells. He wants me to start it over again, I can’t seeing the amount of feelings that I had with him, and I certainly would not want to just ‘move on’.

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