While breakfast was being heated up, some leftover meatballs and spaghetti, I was having that weird feeling of being alone.

I put on some movies and tried to concentrate, I can’t. Lunch time came, and the same thing happen. Cooked myself lunch, tried to sit in front of that giant LCD TV that I bought myself, but I still could not concentrate with what is going on on the TV.

Dinner was the same, this time I gave up trying to put something on the TV, and just stuffed my face with the food.

I had not logged in to my Facebook, my Twitter was left dormant. It’s not that I purposely did that. More like when I wanted to tweet about something, no one replied to me, and I find it rather depressing.

My whole life is depressing. It has been so many years since L left me, it has been so many years since I have lost contact with L. I could not find his Facebook account; his phone number mysteriously became unavailable. I tried, but I do not want to seen as a stalker stalking on the ex boy friend.

Time passed, as much as I tried to forget, the shadow oh him still lingers around. Be it a place that we used to go, be it the movie that we watched. It just reminds me of him.

I missed him, I do wish that I could see him, sit down together and have a long chat about what has been going on with his life and mine.

I wished the few encounters that I had with him, I had not chickened out and not talk with him. I could just walk over, ask him how is he and I know what kind of replies that I would get. It would be hurting because he will never want to let me care.

I did tried, you know. To be the someone that love him, to be that someone that cared.

Sometimes, I had this feeling that when we were together, it was just the sex.

It could have been that way, it seems. We were both young and horny, sex was abundance. We were almost fucking every other day. In the pool toilet, in the mall, back home and all.

I tried to move on. I have got a boy friend whom I care and I know he loves me a lot. Somehow, I still think that if this boy was L, I would have treat him with even more love and tender. It is something that I do not how to put it in words.

They say, if I do not let go of the ex boy friend, I will never get to move on. I get it now, I want to move on, I want to think of him as my past, but his words are always in my heart, those words that tells me how much I meant to him, how much he love me, and how he would love me. On the other side, I want to move on with another person, a person that I want to be together with, but I can’t. How can I not do this? I declare defeat, please let me move on already.

That feeling strike, that dreaded ‘being alone’ feeling. No one was around. Whatsapp is empty, no one replied to my SMS. I did not want to bother other people on what seem to be a lovely Saturday morning. But deep inside, I was alone, lonely and I wanted to try.

I tried to stop my tears from flowing, that feeling was unbearable. Being alone, you want to shout, you want to talk to someone; you just want yourself to be heard.

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To think about the boy, makes me cry.

To think about home, makes me lonely.

To think about going out and take some pictures, my camera is at the bottom of a crocodile infested river in Chiang Mai.

To think about having sex with a stranger in Central Park, then I am scared of this.

So how?

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As sacred as the Nantaimori, I thought the gay clubbing scene in Tokyo would be as well. I must say, I was totally overwhelmed with the experience.

It started out with this guy asking me if I was interested to join him in the club. We had both exchanged eye contacts when we were both at the local Starbucks getting our daily doses of caffeine.

I was a little sceptical about the whole experience at first. I mean, the conservative Japanese crowd? Loud dance music? Not really my kind of music but I would not mind paying 200 yen for a glass of beer. I went on ahead and met up with my new found friend.

The smell of alcohol filled my nostrils when I entered the club. It seems like alcohol is not only dirt cheap, it comes free on the house if you are willing to strip down to your underwears. Well, I found that out later, much much more later.

I had thought myself never to accept drinks from strangers in a club. Just for the night, I had broken my own rules. Perhaps, but it seems like these Japanese guys are just too much of an effort to be turned down, however.

So there I was, sipping drinks and sharing with a few hot Japanese. They were talking with me in a foreign language that I don’t understand, and then this young Japanese guy approached me and say, “I think they want you on the bar.”

There I was, with the crowd cheering asking me to strip. Which I did.

Dancing to the euphoric music, and a couple of beers later, and the night was too hot for me, even though it was almost 10 degrees outside.

My night ended at Kanata’s place at around 3 am in the morning. I was too intoxicated to tell him where I am living, so he brought be back instead.

Kanata is 19 and he stays alone in a very well Japanese decorated single room apartment not far from where the club was. As I lay myself on the tatami, while Kanata freshen himself up. Still overwhelmed by the ‘clubbing’ experience, I wandered myself into dreamland.

I felt a warm body beside me, I startled.

Kanata had taken off my cloths, leaving me with only my boxers. The room did not feel cold maybe because I have got Kanata’s body heat, and from the central heating. I turned and gave Kanata a slightly tight hug.

Perhaps at that moment, I was lonely, and I felt that I need some love. I don’t know why but I launched myself forward towards Kanata, and gave him a slightly sloppy kiss on his lips.

Needless to say, Kanata was surprised by my sudden move but it did not take long for him to give me a kiss back.

I looked at Kanata’s angel eyes, still hugging each other, I could feel Kanata’s warm hand inside my boxers, looking its way the the family jewel.

Perhaps it was my eyes that told Kanata that I wasn’t ready, or perhaps it was my ‘inaction’ that told him I wasn’t up for it, Kanata took off his hands, and gave me a long passionate kiss.

We both hugged, and kiss and fell asleep in each other’s embrace.

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It was a prank that I have pulled that went seriously wrong.

At first, I thought I wanted to see his reaction on how he would see things. Now, I guess I have to change my point of view to a whole new perspective.

I could not sleep last night. Penning my last entry I was already exhausted, perhaps with what has been going on for the past few months, perhaps with what has been going on lately. I tried to slot in hints on my Facebook, hints that I wasn’t ready for a long distance relationship. I am a ‘closeted’ person. Closeted not that I am not out, but a rather, I prefer to be close to someone, the be able to hug the person, to kiss the person, and in return to be loved.

I hug my friends, I sometime kisses my friends. Often I am not careful when I am doing this, and many would think I am actually hitting on them. My preferences of liking another person of the same sex doesn’t make them get comfortable with me, some even prefer to stay away from me, as far as they can.

Why? I wonder sometimes why would I rather ‘choose’ to be a gay boy than choosing to be a straight and live a ‘normal’ life. What actually determine that being straight is actually normal, and being gay isn’t? People keep on telling me that being gay is just a choice, being gay is just a person being disobedient towards God, but really?

People get envious of me, they start to call me names. It’s fine really. They start to accuse me of things that I have not done, they started to think I am another person, a ‘faker’ because I had done a lot to help that person. Why is that that it is so hard to believe?

I went to the Tsukiji Fish Market, in the futile attempt to exhaust myself so that I could rest, and prepare the flight to Singapore. I failed, miserably.

Looking at the tuna’s, the salmon and the fishes reminds me of the boy. Do not even try to ask me how or why, but if I had the guts to, I would have break down and cry right smack center of the fish market.

The hussle and bussle of the fish market throw me into deeper thoughts. In the midst of the fishermen, the midst of the trader, there stand a boy, three thousand miles away from home.

For what?

Just because he had wanted a chance to be alone, to try that feeling of being lonely, to get away and forget that selective memory, and hopefully keep the good ones intact.

Again, it failed miserably.

Asking myself, WHY did God had created human, and yet putting them into relationship stress like this. Would it not be a wonderful world if the humans have a manual for relationships?

I started to think again by myself, how should I be surviving the rest of my life. Should all these be just a temporary hindrance? Just an obstacle in life?

“Daijobu desu ka? Daijobu desu ka? Are you okay?”

The voice of a young Japanese boy awaken me from my thoughts. I must have been standing there for a very long time judging from the lesser about of people walking past me.

“Daijobu desu ka?”

The boy asked me again.

“Daijobu, domo”

I replied.

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Ever since Frankie left for Miri to work, I have been looking at my MSN list for hours trying to look for someone to chat.

I tried to talk to the boy, but the boy refuse to talk to me because he is pissed at something that I do not think I have done.

How now ?

Maybe I should go company Puki.

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The main reason, is because I have lost my phone, I never thought it was necessary to restore the contacts in my phone because I had the few important numbers in my phone that I would be calling when I needed someone to talk with; I was wrong.

You see, this friend of mine has got this unusual sleeping schedule. He sleeps when everyone is awake, and awake when everyone sleeps. When I tried to call him just now, he was sleeping.

Now I can really feel how Will Smith is feeling in the movie ‘I Am Legend’. Imagine a world where you have no one to talk to, a world where there is nothing.

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