Harry MSN’ed me the other day. I was surprised to say the least; I had figured out it is either of the two things. One, Harry had broken up with the boy friend, or two Harry wanted to scold me for something, or both of it.

I was right, they broke up.

In fact, Harry had broke up a few weeks ago, and had been dating this guy that I know.

Fine.

I was happy for Harry actually, it has been almost two months since Harry had spoken with me. Wasn’t sure what had happened between them, but I guess things were not working out. I had never liked a boy friend that controls my social life, to say the least.

So Harry told me who his ex boy friend was. It was this guy that is always in ‘competition’ with me. A person that thought he knew who am I by knowing that I owned cedricang.com and knowing me by name. Too bad, he wasn’t in the game long enough. I guess he was jealous because I always get my boys before him, no puns intended, and not to be little Harry, or any other boys.

We did catch on on the phone for a while, before Harry had to go swimming with his new boy friend. I had to let him go at that point of time, he is afterall, not mine to begin with.

So Harry, would really love to catch up with you because I have many tales. That short 15 minutes phone conversation isn’t enough, to speak frankly. There’s still a lot, and a lot did happen in that short two months.

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I thought I had always imagined the scene of the movie Outbreak; dark, creepy, metal-framed bed of a medical facility with someone in a bright florescent protective suit mumbling something through the build in microphone.

Arriving at New York not too long ago, I never thought it would be that easy for me to catch the flu virus. I had pre packed N95 masks, plenty of hand sanitizers, and even make sure the place where I sleep are clean from the virus by anti bacteria sprays, and I spray on my body lots of D&G fragrance (alcohol kills germs, you see).

I am in tears again. Not because I had missed the near death experience, but because someone had showed me a picture of The Boy, together with his new boy friend.

I don’t know. I thought I had gotten over The Boy, but every single time I see his pictures, with someone else I can turn from a happy mood to a grumpy sad mood. Is it really that hard to forget someone?

Leaving the quarantine was perhaps one of the happiest moment that I had. I made friends, and most of them are not released yet. It was crowded, but I was moved to a single private room on the 3rd day, since I was then considered safe.

Clothed with only the hospital gown, it does make me feel uneasy. With my butt fully exposed most of the time, some of the male nurses had been eying on it, I am pretty sure.

Back home, dad already cleaned up the place, spraying it all over with anti-bacteria sprays. It does make the whole place smells like the hospital, but it is a risk that I would not want to take; not in the quarantine, without any entertainment, that is.

So for now, I am back. Still a healthy young boy trying to strife in life, being a success, and have someone dearly nearby to enjoy life together. Of course, with lots of beautiful pictures to show everyone.

I thank those who showed their concerns on my blog, on MSN, and the SMSs to my phone. Really never thought so many people would care. Love you all!

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I know I normally do not post videos, but there is always the first time in doing anything.

I can safely say that this song has been my companion ever since our break up.

I was introduced to the song by The Boy, he was having his bad day one day while I was with him, and he kept on playing the song again and again. He told me that he could listen to the same song all day long, and not get bored of it. Tears and emotion filled his eyes when he said that.

I guess, he might be missing someone.

The thing about The Boy is, he had kept his past love life a secret. I had no idea how many boy friends he had, or was it good or not.

They say that when a relationship ends for whatever reason, there are there are some left over ‘garbage’ that needs to be cleared off; else those ‘garbage’ will be a major barrier to having a successful future relationships.

I haven heard from him for at least a couple hundred days. Okay fine, almost a whole year and a half. Still, I don’t mind hearing his voice. Problem is, will I be emotional and break down and cry? Or will I be normal; sad bu normal?

After reading the article, Healing From Past Relationships I felt it was quite true that perhaps I could not let it go is because there are still the ‘garbage’ inside me that I have not sorted out.

Question is, would I want to let go? Faces all around me, they don’t smile but they just crack. Waiting for the ship, but the ship is not coming back. Given something to believe, I think I can overcome The Boy. I think I can, I believe I can.

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It rained again.

Again, it is always the rain that would put me into deep thoughts.

It feels like the rain might have some super power over me I don’t know.

I was having a conversation with David, when he told me that he already got a boy friend now. I should have thought better.

Reading Apollo David’s post on being kind, I felt the same situation is bestow upon me.

David had wanted to continue his studies after his secondary school. I felt the moment of me and The Boy hunting for higher education all over again. David himself was a little confused with the courses that are being offered. I helped a little, and added even more confusion. I had a slight idea that might help David, I suggested to him.

When we were about to enroll himself, he reluctantly said that he want to check out the other places, and also to confirm these with his parents. So we stopped at there.

Some events happened in between. David’s parents wanted him to go to Form 6, David wanted to continue on media studies, conflicts.

David moved out, he told me that he went to his friend’s place to stay. I had suspect the friend might be someone that I am afraid that he might be, I kept quiet.

The ‘friend’ had suggested that David continue his studies at some unknown Chinese institution. The ‘friend’ also suggest that David work himself in retail.

Firstly, David hates retail. Long hours, and low pay. Plus the standing, and etc.

His ‘friend’ managed to persuade David into working retail. When I asked David, I found out that the friend is a mid 30s, working in retail.

The ‘friend’ managed to brainwash David. Two things for sure. First, to enroll himself in a second rated institution, and secondly to work in a place where expenses might be even higher than the salary itself.

All these while, I was afraid that David might be cheated by someone. Like a lost sheep.

Even though the day had not come, I am beginning to feel it that way.

Oh, David also got fucked by the ‘friend’ and they are both ‘lovers’ now. How convenient.

Sigh, the more you care, you really worry even more.

Why do I care so much ? Because I do not want history to repeat itself. David, it’s time to realize who are your friends!

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It was a prank that I have pulled that went seriously wrong.

At first, I thought I wanted to see his reaction on how he would see things. Now, I guess I have to change my point of view to a whole new perspective.

I could not sleep last night. Penning my last entry I was already exhausted, perhaps with what has been going on for the past few months, perhaps with what has been going on lately. I tried to slot in hints on my Facebook, hints that I wasn’t ready for a long distance relationship. I am a ‘closeted’ person. Closeted not that I am not out, but a rather, I prefer to be close to someone, the be able to hug the person, to kiss the person, and in return to be loved.

I hug my friends, I sometime kisses my friends. Often I am not careful when I am doing this, and many would think I am actually hitting on them. My preferences of liking another person of the same sex doesn’t make them get comfortable with me, some even prefer to stay away from me, as far as they can.

Why? I wonder sometimes why would I rather ‘choose’ to be a gay boy than choosing to be a straight and live a ‘normal’ life. What actually determine that being straight is actually normal, and being gay isn’t? People keep on telling me that being gay is just a choice, being gay is just a person being disobedient towards God, but really?

People get envious of me, they start to call me names. It’s fine really. They start to accuse me of things that I have not done, they started to think I am another person, a ‘faker’ because I had done a lot to help that person. Why is that that it is so hard to believe?

I went to the Tsukiji Fish Market, in the futile attempt to exhaust myself so that I could rest, and prepare the flight to Singapore. I failed, miserably.

Looking at the tuna’s, the salmon and the fishes reminds me of the boy. Do not even try to ask me how or why, but if I had the guts to, I would have break down and cry right smack center of the fish market.

The hussle and bussle of the fish market throw me into deeper thoughts. In the midst of the fishermen, the midst of the trader, there stand a boy, three thousand miles away from home.

For what?

Just because he had wanted a chance to be alone, to try that feeling of being lonely, to get away and forget that selective memory, and hopefully keep the good ones intact.

Again, it failed miserably.

Asking myself, WHY did God had created human, and yet putting them into relationship stress like this. Would it not be a wonderful world if the humans have a manual for relationships?

I started to think again by myself, how should I be surviving the rest of my life. Should all these be just a temporary hindrance? Just an obstacle in life?

“Daijobu desu ka? Daijobu desu ka? Are you okay?”

The voice of a young Japanese boy awaken me from my thoughts. I must have been standing there for a very long time judging from the lesser about of people walking past me.

“Daijobu desu ka?”

The boy asked me again.

“Daijobu, domo”

I replied.

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Indulging myself with the cake that David had bought me, it sent me into deep thoughts again.

I do wonder somethings, why can’t we as human being be nicer to each other, and everyone is happy. Instead, we choose to have our selfless thoughts, putting our differences in front of us all the time, and often us that as an excuse to take grudge against one another.

Without a doubt the outing with David was a good one.

Pavilion was the place we visited. David wanted to get himself a short pants, and we went all over Pavilion scouting for one. We both agree that our taste in men are separated by the space the separates the heaven and earth. It was just way too much difference.

I would going out with a young guy, somewhere between the age of 18 to 22. Doesn’t have to be perfect looking, decent personality and a nice smile would be a plus. David on the other hand, prefer the more hunky mature type of guy, ranging between the age of late 20s to early 30s. Of just maybe, it is a good thing.

At Philosophy Men, we saw this really nice pair of trousers. We went in to the store also to check out the two hot guys there. Well he the older one, and me the younger one.

It was also the first time where David stripped himself in front of me, revealing that sexy brief of his, and in black. Sporting a good set of abdominal muscles, I can see why Harry was so fond of David as well. Although it was just a ‘sneak preview’ I had always imagined how David would be like from all the teasing that I give him all the time. Some people are just born with a good set of abdominal muscles, I supposed.

We spent more time walking around Pavilion. I think nothing had changed much since the last time I set my foot to Pavilion. Same old people, same old this, some old that. Perhaps the additional stalls and coffee house, but I think nothing has changed.

Perhaps one of the reasons that I refuse to get myself into Pavilion is because me and the boy used to go there almost every alternate week. Besides Midvalley, we had wandered all around KL, helping the peons polishing the floors of the malls with our brand new Nike’s and Adidas’.

I remembered telling the boy one that that I would give him a thousand ringgit spending money. He was stressed out, and I thought perhaps some retail therapy was best for him.

While penning down this entry, I cried again. Thoughts were lost because there are just too many of them to be put into words and writings.

Whilst I miss the boy a lot, while many had happen after the year that we broke up, I do not think I would wish that we both get together again. I do hope that we can remain as friends, taking care of each other. At least, perhaps, some people are much more happier than me right now.

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David is a shy but daring boy. He loves getting loved, and loves loitering in shopping complex. He called me and asked if I was free to bring him around.

We wanted to get ourself to Pavilion, but did not quite make it thanks to the glooming rain, and the forever havoc traffic. It was almost impossible to get to Pavilion.

We took a big U-turn and tried to head our way back to Pavilion. Instead, I took the wrong turn, and ended up on Federal Highway. With no choice to be made, we head over to Ikea for that lunch that both of us were craving for.

I took the Ikea meatballs, one of my all time favorite dish in Ikea Cafe.

David ordered the Chicken dish, I forgot to take picture of that so I post a Salmon dish that I had with the boy last time. HEHEH.

We both endulged ourself with Daim Cake, and the new Cheese Cake. It has been quite some time that I have not been to Ikea for food. I guess, ever since I have broke up with the boy, and the place brings back the memories.

David wanted to try out some pants. We walked over to The Curve to check out what they have to offer. I must admit, that looking for a pair of short pants is really hard for the waist size of 28!

Giving up, we just walked around, people watching as David put it. The crowd was still okay, with the weekend street bazaar.

Time flies when you are with someone that you really like. It was almost midnight when I sent David back. I guess, we were both tired, but it was a really good outing together. We seems to have found the part where we could understand each other, although I would still prefer to have a English speaking boy friend.

I guess, sometimes one cannot be so picky, no?

Oh, while we were having our lunch, I thought I saw someone familiar. So I dialed his number, and he did not answer. I thought I saw the wrong person. He called back instead. Hello there Medie007. Dating huh ?

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It worked up pretty okay at first. I went over to Harry’s place to pick his sleepy ass up, then went over to David’s to pick him up. We wanted to head over to my place because it was a little too early to do the shopping that Harry wanted to do. Everything seems to be in place, Harry and David both in my room. Harry messaged me on MSN (we were just sitting side by side). He would not want David to know what is going on. David is smart, I guess. He was curious that why we were both talking on MSN instead. I guess, his defensive mode came on.

I told Harry on MSN that I would get out of my room for him to get closer with David.

Which Harry did.

I guess David had suspected something amiss. Not only did he not falling for the bait, he turn on his defensive mode.

Our plan seems to fail. I wasn’t ready to give up yet. I started to hug Harry, kissing him. Harry wasn’t too comfortable because was just beside us. I continue kissing and playing with Harry, partially because miss Harry, and partially I wanted David to join the fun.

Then, Harry gave up, David wasn’t going to get the hard on, despite our flirting effort, the bundle of porn, and the dirty talks.

Harry sent David off. It was our time now. I started kissing Harry, Harry kissed back. He seems to love the teasing of tongue on his nipple. I moved down further to work on his already hard cock.

I continue with my finger down to his love channel, smearing it with enough lubricant and ensure that it wasn’t too wet.

I sucked Harry good, he was moaning. I wasn’t sure if Harry purposely does so to arouse David who is outside of the room, but I did open the door so that some sexy moaning noise could be leaked out.

I turned Harry over, he wasn’t sure to letting me fuck. I tried convincing him that I would go slowly.

We both loved the companionship. Harry seems to be a bit regretful of what had happen, but I guess that is what happen when friends have sex, some people just could not get over it!

I miss Harry .. gosh!

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That was what he told me when I first showed him the boy’s picture over the Internet. I had slowly gotten over the whole break-up thing, but I wasn’t still sure that I have put the boy aside, and continue with what is going on what is in front of me.

I supposed I cannot forget the fact that I can easily fall in love, even back in my heart, I still think about the boy, all the time.

It was a guy that I have known for a very long time, residing in the state of Johore. We had not spoken for a very long time, until some form of incident that bought us together. We got pretty close chatting online recently and had decided to meet up.

“Hey, lets go for a movie or something, we can go after school, if that is alright with you. How about Time Square, it’s convenient for both of us, right?”

Indeed, we met up that day, and my heart melted looking at the charming boy standing in front of me. It was that time that David sent him a sms, saying that he would be coming over to KL. David, the name reminds me of something, someone that I had really adore and cared for back in the days. David oh David.

Harry gave David my mobile so that David could contact me to arrange a meet up when he gets to KL.

Harry came over to my house that day.

“Hey, your ex seriously looks like David. Seriously!”

Harry was commenting about the pictures that I had sitting on my desk, the pictures that I always stared at mesmerized about the boy; the pictures that I often look at, and then say hi to Mr Tears. The pictures that will always remind me of the sweet memories between me and the boy, our love, our passion, and hatred.

At some point of time, I fell in love with David already. Without looking at his pictures, without knowing much about him.

At the same time, I felt disgusted.

The mixed feelings were actually in fact that David is a sexually deprived person. Now, perhaps that wasn’t a bad thing for me, because as horny as a boy can be, the better for the relationship because sex is going to be abundant and if not, fulfilling. I wasn’t sure but I guess I wasn’t ready to accept the fact that David might have been ‘fucking’ around, I mean, what else can a hormone charged teenager do, in a small town in Johore, if not looking for sex all the time, everywhere?

Harry told me that he did it with David before. Twice or thrice, but that wasn’t the point. The point is that David just want it in, with pleasure. I guess, like they say, sex is always fun, and fulfilling if you are going to have it with someone that you like, or cared about. By the way, perhaps it was one of the times where I fell in love with Harry even more.

Something went wrong in our exchange of text messages. David suddenly told me that he would not want to continue to talk to me. I did in fact told David that I dislike certain things that most gay people do, the ‘height & weight’ interrogation. He got so pissed off perhaps with my bad choice of words, he scolded me, and called me crazy.

There and then, my heart felt like sinking to the depths of Titanic. It hit the ocean floor so hard, waves and waves of tears came attacking that already gloomy night as aftershocks.

I text Harry, I said, never had I felt so in love with someone that I have not met, someone that I might not want to fuck, and someone that is as charming as David.

I don’t know at which point, but Harry asked me to let it go, perhaps try it another time, perhaps never.

My heart still imprisoned in the bottom of the cold dark ocean.

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Yes, maybe I do not know how to put things in words. Maybe I am just confused of the certain feelings that I have right now, maybe it was just nothing.

His voice still echoes deep inside. I could still hear him saying things to me. Was it just my imagination, or just merely because I missed him so much?

It has been almost a year that we both break up officially. It was also the time where the boy had hitched a ride and went home with someone. It was the time when I heard news about the boy not going back home, and I cried and cried because I had missed him so damn much.

I do not know why, but my feelings in such way is only the first time towards the boy. I had no problem letting my other boy friends go, no matter how much we claimed to be in love with each other. I sometimes wasn’t sure if it was the companionship that me and the boy both had, or it was the sex that was so great.

Listening to the songs in my iPhone do not make things much more easier for me. When my song list goes to the song “Shake It” by Metrostation, I think about how I make fun of the song. When my song list goes to “Sorry, Blame it on me” by Akon, I think about how the boy had talked about the meaning of the song, about the story behind it. I listen to Britney and I will think about how I used to whine when he put on Britney.

They say, time will heal albeit slowly. Really?

I still see my wounds, fresh and wet. Tears? They have not abandoned me, still visits me all the time.

The boy had not contacted me for almost three months now. The last time I tried to talk to him was when I called him to wish him a happy birthday.

I had no other means of contacting him beside the phone call. I could however just stop by his place and gave him a surprise visit, but I do not really want to freak him out.

A friend once asked me.

“Do you think you still can be as how it used to be, if the boy had come back to you again?”

I guess, things would not be the same anymore. We as human beings, are not that forgiving as we want us to be ourselves. It isn’t too hard to apologize, it isn’t that hard to say that I am sorry. How easy for it for someone to forgive, and hopefully to forget?

If you loved someone and you break up, where does the love go?

How can we transform a once passionate love, into something that fits nice and easily onto the friendship shelf? I wonder, instead of pretending each other doesn’t exist, can’t we be friends or something ?

I really hope someday, very soon, that we can all meet for a drink and be great friends; just like in the movies.

Memories. Light the corners of my mind. Misty water-colored memories. Of the way we were. Can it be, can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time re-written every line? If we had the chance to do it all again. Tell me. Would we? Could we?

I would have not hurt you deliberately, will you forgive me, L?

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