I would want to blame it on the different time zones, they call it jet lagged. Yes, I have been living on a jet setter’s lifestyle since late November. It was fun, to be able to travel all around, meeting different people before I start myself in Uni in May.

But that is not the point, the point is, I wanted to stay away from my home in Kuala Lumpur. I had wanted to do this for a very long time, trying to see if I could forget the boy. The truth is, I can’t. On the boy’s birthday last year, while I was in Brazil, I gave the boy a call to wish him a happy birthday. I mean, it would only be appropriate if I do that, at least, I thought it that way.

Not only was I wrong about the whole thing, I still ended up crying at night, hugging a pillow, that I was well aware that it would not hug me back.

It was Chinese New Year. I remembered last year’s pretty well. I was in hometown, and could not let myself not missing the boy. We practically texted each other the whole day. I had to run around the house because the house was surrounded by hills, and Maxis coverage wasn’t that great, then I found the perfect spot, the store room.

Sweating and sneezing, I embraced myself, just for the sake of not wanting to miss his text messages. Silly, I know. That’s what we all do for love, no?

Deep inside, back to reality, I thought I could forget him if I leave my room, leave everything behind and move somewhere else. I could not move to Singapore because that was our initial plan. We both continue our studies in Singapore.

Singapore will bring back the memories, I would definitely sure about it. Then, during my vacation, I cried, and cried again, hugging the cold hotel pillows, streak of tears just fall down to my cheek, and to the bed.

I could not help it, they say I was being foolish for falling in love to a person that do not love me. Deep inside, I still believe that there is love, deep inside, I still believe that it was me that had caused the breakup, and it was be that had put our relationship into that fine thin line.

I could have salvage it, I just know I could.

It has been almost 9 months since we break up, and I am still here, hugging my pillow tight, hoping that it was the boy that I was hugging.

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L is a sweet boy, call me ignorant but I do not think that he is a money boy. Things between us did not work well, and I am trying to make things work, L too believes that things might work well between us, that is why there is this gap that both of us left ourself before the actual “breakup”.

Yes, we officially ended back in April, earlier but I choose to ignore the details. To me, it never ended back then because after that, we got back together, had loads of fun spending time together, making love (mind you, not sex!) and just being in the presence of each other.

I would offer to send him to college, most probably because I wanted to spend more time together with the boy.

However, I do not understand why people like to tell me what to do. Sure enough the boy had hurt me tremendously, but think about it, that does not warrant for me to forget about the good things that the boy and me done together.

We had thought that we might be good together, but the attitude and the different behaviors of both of us proves otherwise.

Surely I have spent a lot of money on the boy, but I know that the boy being together with me wasn’t because of that. The boy had no choice but to tell me that he wanted to stay away from me, not because he do not love me anymore, but because of the predicament that he is in. He was unable to move on without thinking about me, we were too deeply in love.

That gives me even more excuse not to forget about the boy, the boy had left me for a reason, because I have threaten him.

Now, for the people that keeps on telling me to forget about the boy, well all I can say is, fuck off.

I do not need these, I do not need anyone to tell me to leave the boy because the boy is of no good to me. I want to keep the memories, the good, and the bad together with me. I want to wait for the boy, whether he is open up again, or the slight chance of being together again.

Slim it might be, but love is something no one can explain.

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On the faithful Saturday, we were supposed to catch a musical play. I mean, we haven done that before, and I thought it would be something new for us, something nice and something different. Looking at the clock, barely 3 more hours before I pick him up, waiting anxiously and watching the clock tick.

Then, my ex boy friend called me and need me to help him something. His computer had got problems, and I thought of giving him that helping hand. I told my boy friend about it, just as a habit of letting him know my whereabouts.

A few minutes later, a really concerned boy friend called me on the cell, I sort of anticipated something like this would happen, but me being wordless, could not explain to him in proper words that nothing is going to happen. He asked me why do I need to help him, he said he thought I have cut off contacts with my ex boy friend, he asked me why am I doing this, and do thing that.

I thought we were over all these already. I mean, I trust him enough to let him go out with his gay friends, and nothing like last time would happen again. Why can’t he trust me with my ex boy friend? Besides, I am going to see him later in the evening, sex is definitely not the issue here anymore, right ?

I was wrong, he misunderstood my intention of going over to my ex boy friend’s place.

Perhaps I should not have told him that I was going to his place. But I don’t want him to feel cheated later on if he do find out. It was really something that I don’t know what to do.

It is almost 2 days now. He still have not replied to my SMS that I have sent him on both of his number. His phone is unreachable, I don’t know if it was done on purpose seeing that his phone has got major problems.

It wasn’t the first time that we quarrel like this. I hate it when it happens.

Why can’t we just get along? I mean, the movies that we went were great. The time that we spent not in argument was fantastic. Why now, why this?

I don’t understand. Perhaps the boy was being insecure because I am going out with one of my ex. I mean yes my ex has got every reason to seduce me with his looks and charms, but I am way over him already. We rarely talk to each other, and he only calls me when he need help with something that he knows I can help him. I would definitely not going back to him for sex, that’s for sure.

Why can’t we just have a little more trust between ourselves. Why can’t we just have a little more trust between ourselves? Why can’t we just use the little things that we do that makes ourselves happy as a consolation to mend our sorrow hearts? When will I learn to care about how he felt about the things I said?

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On a rather serious questions, do you still keep in touch with your boy friends after a bad breakup? Do you apologize before the breakup? Do you say thank you?

After 3 rather bad breakups, I had not kept in touch with any of my ex boy friends. Except for A, my last boy friend that I called when I had relationship problems. A is a sweet boy, we do not spend time together that often, or at least as much as I wanted to. When it comes to listening to me, he put it to his full attention.

Besides A, I do not talk to my other ex. I do not want to bother about my second ex, the last I heard, he hates my guts. Considering how much he had ‘used’ me to his benefits, I don’t see why he should hate me. Perhaps it was because that I have fucked him after we broke up, without giving him much of a pleasure?

I apologize, I apologize when I think I did something wrong. I apologize when I hurt someone’s feelings. I apologize to A for being too sticky to him, I apologize to him that I think I might have infected him with HIV. I did.

I say thank you to A for being a good and nice boy friend. I say thank you to A for being a good lover. I thank A for that nice loving making session that we had. I think I did wrong.

Why should I say thank you? I thought that it was appropriate that time. Thinking it back, it felt as if the fuck was, well just a fuck.

It would strike me really awkwardly if my ex were to approach me, and him start talking about his boy friend with me. That friendship just do not look or feel like any friendship at all. It felt weird when I talk with A. In fact I think A was jealous when I told him about places we went, things we eat, things we do together. A’s response was “How come we never do that when we were together?”

Oh well.

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L knows I love eating, and I have been gaining weight slowly. L did complained to me that I am getting fatter and he did jokingly said he would leave me one day

On that weekend, my parents had bought me breakfast. It was the same food that I have every weekend. Dad seems to be very fond of buying from this stall. It just put my mood of eating down to the deepest blackhole.

On Monday, I cooked something thinking to bring it to office. I usually do that. Nope, I still can’t eat. I just drank water, and green tea. I feed the food to the cat downstairs, she love it.

Purging from the back end has been less too. It was dark, almost black colored. Two things. Internal bleeding, or toxins. Sunday, when I weight myself, I am now 59KG compared to 67KG the last time I remembered I weight. My pants feels looser as well. In fact, I definitely need a belt now.

Yesterday, I tried to eat something. In fact, I was forced to eat something by K. He was really concerned that I am not eating. I had to, I don’t want to worry him. He felt guilty that he brought L to the pub, I don’t want him to feel that way. I force myself to eat. I did not finish everything, in fact I gave a lot of it to K for him to finish it up for me.

30 minutes later, I puked everything.

Am I turning bulimic or what ?

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I had not had the hearts to leave L. I know I have always use that to threaten L and it never work, not a single once.

Me for one could not take the breakup that easily. Both of us are hard sells. He wants me to start it over again, I can’t seeing the amount of feelings that I had with him, and I certainly would not want to just ‘move on’.

There were a couple of small arguments that sparked between us for the last couple of months. I tried to doze the flame by ignoring it. L thinks that I am ignoring the issue, I think that I am just avoiding an argument.

Both of us think differently, I suspect it is because of the age, or perhaps it was the upbringing of L in his family. Getting trusts from him is like telling him it is safe to jump off a high building; it never happen. I would not be surprised that it is hard for him to not trust somebody. To him, trust is something that cannot be earned even through time. Trust is something that is awarded, somehow, somewhere.

The first couple of months when I was with L, I still had the urge to flirt with other cute young thing that comes on to my MSN once a while. L provided more than love to me, somewhere where I can rant my complains, somewhere that I put my hearts on. Most importantly, he is there when I needed someone. The urge to look for sex is just not there anymore. I have got something that is better than sex, love.

L is my 4th boy friend that I am so fond of. Not that I have many lovers to start with, but I must admit, I am not a very romantic kind of person. Words just can’t simply fly by my mind, and flatter L. All I know is to meet him up, give him a hug and a kiss and tell him how much I love him. This is what we learn from the movies, well at least the movies that I watch, but it isn’t enough.

L wanted me to chase him back again, start fresh, be friends again. How can I possible beat the feeling of ‘just friends’ when my feeling of him is a totally different world altogether? it just don’t make sense how couples can just ‘be friends’ after a breakup. It doesn’t feel right, and certainly not the right thing to do, I think.

My strategies on how to get back L is still zero, I am stuck here, and I know I will be stuck for a very long time.

For all I can remember, this is not the first time that we had the issue of breaking up. I had managed to patch things up a little, and I guess L too probably gave some slack. The situation is totally different now. It is not as simple as, “I love you baby, let’s get back together.”

It all started with that phone call that L gave me. He wanted to know why I was so eager to meet friends online. As in, the online friends that I chat with, those little buggers that don’t even bother to send me a “hi” sometimes. I am angry at myself, totally because of a jerk that I am when it comes to a voice to voice conversation. It doesn’t allow me to think. At least, in the text messaging world, it gives you a couple of minutes to construct your words together to make a good sentence.

Actually, the plan to meet up with this guy came way before L. We had plan to meet up, and probably fuck somewhere 1/2 year ago. When I met L, and got together with him, I had told the guy that I can’t do it anymore. I did tell him that if we were to meet up, I would want to bring my boy friend along, which he had hesitantly agreed.

L don’t see the way I see things. He forbids me of meeting someone new. To me, meeting someone new is interesting. I get to know people. It feels lonely sometimes when you don’t have much friends, you just need that someone to be there to rant, or to complain; stuffs that you cannot do with your lover often. L thinks otherwise, he thinks that it is not right to meet up with online friends. I can see that he was worried, but I saw that only a few moments too late. I wasn’t really in the mood of discussing why we should meet up, and why not. My mind that time wasn’t just set for that, at that time. I was being cranky.

I thought I had just save the relationship by telling L that I do not want to discuss about it, L took it the wrong way and thinks that I am avoiding it. In fact, I wasn’t. I was prepared not meet up with the guy, since the discussion between me and L took too long, the guy had went back anyway. However, this sort of discussion had to be done, for future acquaintances and etc. I thought it can be put back for a while more, I thought wrongly.

I had spend the previous night thinking about all these. Should I or should I not get him back. What about that whole ‘making new friends online’ issue? To me it did not matter anymore, because I had met the person that I have been wanting to meet online, the person that I want to end up growing old together, and getting married when the Malaysian Constitution allows gay marriages.

I cried again, thinking that I should just leave things as it is, separated. I cried myself to sleep only to wake up 3 hours later. I made up my mind that I should just leave things as it is, I sent L a message, telling him my decisions. I wanted my stuffs back, and asked him when would he be free so I can drop by, and probably say the last good bye. I too send him another message asking him if he really wanted it as in, the breakup.

I had wanted it at first. I was pissed at how L always had throw issues at me. I am pissed that he always play the ‘blame it on me game’. It’s something that I cannot deny, but I was really pissed at him.

Now that things calm down, I wanted him back. I know it was a long shot, of how I throw things around, but it just doesn’t feel right when a loving couple breakup just because of a small disagreement. I consider it as a small disagreement, because meeting up with people online is not a big deal. Hell, I have already found the person that I wanted to meet online, L.

I realized, these are the few things that I have got to tolerate sometimes. I tried, but just did not try hard enough.

I really do not know what to do now. L wants to start back fresh, as friends first and then slowly move from there.

I want to pick things up the way it is, say sorry and get on with it. I am not being pushy but I prefer to fix things up, rather than just a Ctrl+Alt+Del. I guess it is my personality. I do not want to start from friends first because I am afraid of losing L, if only I can put words into my hearts content, to tell L how truly I wish the relationship to last, and grow old together.

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