Yes, maybe I do not know how to put things in words. Maybe I am just confused of the certain feelings that I have right now, maybe it was just nothing.

His voice still echoes deep inside. I could still hear him saying things to me. Was it just my imagination, or just merely because I missed him so much?

It has been almost a year that we both break up officially. It was also the time where the boy had hitched a ride and went home with someone. It was the time when I heard news about the boy not going back home, and I cried and cried because I had missed him so damn much.

I do not know why, but my feelings in such way is only the first time towards the boy. I had no problem letting my other boy friends go, no matter how much we claimed to be in love with each other. I sometimes wasn’t sure if it was the companionship that me and the boy both had, or it was the sex that was so great.

Listening to the songs in my iPhone do not make things much more easier for me. When my song list goes to the song “Shake It” by Metrostation, I think about how I make fun of the song. When my song list goes to “Sorry, Blame it on me” by Akon, I think about how the boy had talked about the meaning of the song, about the story behind it. I listen to Britney and I will think about how I used to whine when he put on Britney.

They say, time will heal albeit slowly. Really?

I still see my wounds, fresh and wet. Tears? They have not abandoned me, still visits me all the time.

The boy had not contacted me for almost three months now. The last time I tried to talk to him was when I called him to wish him a happy birthday.

I had no other means of contacting him beside the phone call. I could however just stop by his place and gave him a surprise visit, but I do not really want to freak him out.

A friend once asked me.

“Do you think you still can be as how it used to be, if the boy had come back to you again?”

I guess, things would not be the same anymore. We as human beings, are not that forgiving as we want us to be ourselves. It isn’t too hard to apologize, it isn’t that hard to say that I am sorry. How easy for it for someone to forgive, and hopefully to forget?

If you loved someone and you break up, where does the love go?

How can we transform a once passionate love, into something that fits nice and easily onto the friendship shelf? I wonder, instead of pretending each other doesn’t exist, can’t we be friends or something ?

I really hope someday, very soon, that we can all meet for a drink and be great friends; just like in the movies.

Memories. Light the corners of my mind. Misty water-colored memories. Of the way we were. Can it be, can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time re-written every line? If we had the chance to do it all again. Tell me. Would we? Could we?

I would have not hurt you deliberately, will you forgive me, L?

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I would want to blame it on the different time zones, they call it jet lagged. Yes, I have been living on a jet setter’s lifestyle since late November. It was fun, to be able to travel all around, meeting different people before I start myself in Uni in May.

But that is not the point, the point is, I wanted to stay away from my home in Kuala Lumpur. I had wanted to do this for a very long time, trying to see if I could forget the boy. The truth is, I can’t. On the boy’s birthday last year, while I was in Brazil, I gave the boy a call to wish him a happy birthday. I mean, it would only be appropriate if I do that, at least, I thought it that way.

Not only was I wrong about the whole thing, I still ended up crying at night, hugging a pillow, that I was well aware that it would not hug me back.

It was Chinese New Year. I remembered last year’s pretty well. I was in hometown, and could not let myself not missing the boy. We practically texted each other the whole day. I had to run around the house because the house was surrounded by hills, and Maxis coverage wasn’t that great, then I found the perfect spot, the store room.

Sweating and sneezing, I embraced myself, just for the sake of not wanting to miss his text messages. Silly, I know. That’s what we all do for love, no?

Deep inside, back to reality, I thought I could forget him if I leave my room, leave everything behind and move somewhere else. I could not move to Singapore because that was our initial plan. We both continue our studies in Singapore.

Singapore will bring back the memories, I would definitely sure about it. Then, during my vacation, I cried, and cried again, hugging the cold hotel pillows, streak of tears just fall down to my cheek, and to the bed.

I could not help it, they say I was being foolish for falling in love to a person that do not love me. Deep inside, I still believe that there is love, deep inside, I still believe that it was me that had caused the breakup, and it was be that had put our relationship into that fine thin line.

I could have salvage it, I just know I could.

It has been almost 9 months since we break up, and I am still here, hugging my pillow tight, hoping that it was the boy that I was hugging.

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My boy friend said sometimes I am very manipulative in my words. The other day, he walked off from me.

I sometimes like to do things spontaneously. Like, on the day when L walked off from me, I actually said I wanted to go to this restaurant to meet up with my friends, and unfortunately my friends were not there.

Back in my head, even if my friends were there, I would not stop and have a drink with them. Perhaps I just wanted …

Then, my friend that I was looking for gave me a call. He said he was going to come over. I guess it was alright. Well, I thought it was alright. L got out from my car, and walked off. I was angry, I was confused, I was dumbfucked.

L had never walked off from me. Never. He would remain quiet for a couple of days but never walked away. I guess there are always the first time.

After supper, I thought while I was drinking my drink, L could pay at the counter for me; since both of us were not comfortable there. Instead, while I was paying, he walked away again; At that time, I wanted to used the men’s room, if I had gone, I could have lost him forever.

In the end I managed to coaxed him to stay, or at least let me take him back. Walking for 25 KM back to his home from where we were is not my idea of spending a night, I think he would think the same too. The event that took place that night made me sleepless the whole night. Yes, I still need to wake up for work.

He said that I am always manipulative with my words. Perhaps it was just some miscommunication thing that I am not really good with. I tried really hard not to hurt his feelings, try really hard to make him happy. I know sometimes I did things that he didn’t like, but it is always for the process of trying to make him happy.

I am confused, I don’t know what to do sometimes. I tried to be funny sometimes, and it was always at the wrong time and L took it wrongly. I told him I am horny, and I would really love to see him. He was tired, so instead of sounding disappointed, I told him I’ll just go have sex with a duck. He took that too seriously.

Tears started flowing when I got that SMS that L sent me saying that he needs a break. We have been through all these twice since we were together. Everytime that happened, I always imagined the unforseen, that we finally break up. Like, not together anymore. Everything I asked him if things are okay again, I feared the worst would happen. I am just a sucker for love, I guess.

This time, he had ask for a couple of weeks of no contacts. Just a couple of weeks, he said. I am afraid that I might break in peices. I cannot even handle the two times even though it was just for days. I don’t know if I can even handle this.

Someone help me please, I think I need alcohol

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