It was the memories; memories of you in my heart for that short period of time that we were together.

Remember the time when I went over to your place, and then we started sending text messages to each other expressing our interest? Remember the time when you sneak out from school to come see me because you said you miss seeing me?

It was never easy letting you go; I have learn that sometimes it is always best to let things go in order for us to continue moving forward.

Looking back at the things that was in the store made me thinking. What was it that made us together despite our differences.

I can’t find a reason.

It’s time now, to let it all go.

Maybe you still have a small spot in my heart, but for now, I think I still have space to store things up under my bed.

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Since early September 2008, after I had landed in Bangkok, Thailand, I have been wandering around. The reason was that it was exactly a year before that that I have met with The Boy.

I was packed with minimal luggage, I do buy souvenirs but I send them back home from each destination I visit.

As you can see, I have the mere nessacity of items that I would need, and some might notice there’s a few condoms lying around as well. While those that lay on my bed seems to be tad heavy, wait till you see what is in the bag.

This is just my hand carry, and all my important items.

From Alaska, to Zulu I have been traveling. Often spending the night alone. It does get pretty lonely, and I had plenty of time to rethink about everything. 8 months I have not stepped back to my own home, 8 months that I had been stepping my foot to different part of the world.

I had also met a lot of people. The adventures were great.

check out the few pictures that I have got.

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John, were sitting beside me when we were at the orientation hall. While I was chatting on MSN, I saw from the corner of my eyes that John was peeping.

Well, without bad intention actually; he was curious how did I signed on to MSN, while the varsity’s firewall had blocked almost three quarter of the World Wide Web.

It almost the perfect excuse to know each other. Well at least it wasn’t the usual “Hi I am John, nice to meet you” silent type of conversation.

John was pretty impressed of the pictures that I have taken around the varsity. John was looking at the pictures that I had taken, and he whispered to me. “You are using a Nikon, aren’t you? I can see it from the colors of you pictures.”

It was that that got us bitching about how Canon could not represents the colors properly, and such and how Nikon stands on more in terms of colors representation. It was that this little thing that got us closer, and talking like we have known each other for ages.

John was the talkative one, and without me realizing it, I started chatting with him quite openly as well.

We spend our lunch time at the varsity’s cafeteria, and then we went over to central park. Time flies when you are spending it together, and it was evening when we realized it. When we went back to the varsity to grab our stuffs, the view of the sunset is so nice that I could not resist to take a picture of it.

I invited John over to my place, and I cooked him a meal while he was looking at pictures that I had on my Adobe Lightroom. He liked a lot of them, and asked me to teach him how to take those pictures. We sip on our wine on my balcony, and starting chatting again.

Munching on the fresh cherries that I bought, we talked about our live stories. John was born in Ipoh back in Malaysia, and has been staying in Singapore since. It was quite an interesting story of himself. We had fun feeding each other of course, with the occasion glance stealing. It was fun, and the conversation was good. Couple with the wine, just make the whole thing much more easier.

As the weather got cold, we went back in to the loft. I set up the fireplace, and we had a game of chess. I am not sure if John was really that bad player, or he just want to let the younger boy win. I had won so many times that if we had bet to take off a piece of clothing for every game he lose, I would have stripped him past 5 minutes of each game.

John saw my guitar lying around near to my bed. Yes, besides taking pictures, I pay the guitar as well. John was playing a few of my favorite tunes. His singing along with the guitar was fantastic, I swear that I paid my attention to his voice and his beautiful face. it got late that night, we put everything aside. It was too late for John to go back to Brooklyn as well, I could have sent him back, but I suggested that he could stay over for the night.

Sporting with a white brief boxer, John tug himself in beside me on the bed. It was fairly cold that night (I purposely turned down the heater) and I hugged John.

The night ended quite well, but I will save the details for later. Till then.

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I know I normally do not post videos, but there is always the first time in doing anything.

I can safely say that this song has been my companion ever since our break up.

I was introduced to the song by The Boy, he was having his bad day one day while I was with him, and he kept on playing the song again and again. He told me that he could listen to the same song all day long, and not get bored of it. Tears and emotion filled his eyes when he said that.

I guess, he might be missing someone.

The thing about The Boy is, he had kept his past love life a secret. I had no idea how many boy friends he had, or was it good or not.

They say that when a relationship ends for whatever reason, there are there are some left over ‘garbage’ that needs to be cleared off; else those ‘garbage’ will be a major barrier to having a successful future relationships.

I haven heard from him for at least a couple hundred days. Okay fine, almost a whole year and a half. Still, I don’t mind hearing his voice. Problem is, will I be emotional and break down and cry? Or will I be normal; sad bu normal?

After reading the article, Healing From Past Relationships I felt it was quite true that perhaps I could not let it go is because there are still the ‘garbage’ inside me that I have not sorted out.

Question is, would I want to let go? Faces all around me, they don’t smile but they just crack. Waiting for the ship, but the ship is not coming back. Given something to believe, I think I can overcome The Boy. I think I can, I believe I can.

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I could not sleep this morning until 4 am. The bright moon light from the New York’s cityscape peeking through my window on my face.

I tried very hard to fall asleep.

The thought of us together got me awake. Ever since you found yourself in someone else’s arms, I have been thinking about you day and night.

It rained today. Not too heavy, but just rained.

I went out to the street, hopefully to get my mind off things for a moment.

I caught Chris online. I must say that I am glad I have someone that lives almost the same timezone as me. Being 12 hours behind everyone that I know sometimes is not a good thing for me, especially when I needed someone badly to chat with.

One mistake I make prior coming to New York.

When I was with the boy, we had our plans to move to New York. Study, and working together.

We even traveled to New York together to look at how the things are, to see if we could get used to our surroundings. We looked for a uni, a place to stay. While we were walking one day during our holiday, we saw this place that is up for sale. It is a quiet neighborhood, and we quite like the surroundings. We manage to contact the owner, and the owner was kind enough to meet us up on that day itself.

When we entered the place, I felt immediately like home. Located at the Upper West Side, it has windows overviewing Central Park. With private pool, we immediately fell in love with the place. Unlike condos or apartments, the loft has got no rooms, but rather a huge space where we can separate the rooms by ourselves. The scene of Queer as Folk immediately triggered both of our senses, and we totally forgot that the owner were actually waiting for us.

Dinner time that night was all about The Loft that we saw. We were visualizing how we would decorate the place, where we would put the bed, where will we put the LCD TV, the PS3, the kitchen and etc.

The next day itself, we spoken with the owner again, this time, I had paid a sum of USD5000 upfront as a deposit.

I was preparing for my university that is starting in a couple more days. A white envelope slipped and dropped to the floor of the loft.

When we were having our visit to New York, we had enrolled ourselves to one of the varsity here. When we broke up a year ago, the boy returned me the envelope together with the varsity’s offer letter. I must have slipped it in between my school documents, and now the memories of us being together is haunting me.

I had tried my best to design and decorate The Loft as per how the boy had wanted it. Maybe, I had a thought that maybe some day the boy would come back. For the past few nights after I have arrived here, I imaged myself cooking at the kitchen for The Boy. Both of us would be happy feasting on the meal that we had prepare, and perhaps a sip of wine looking over Central Park.

Maybe the idea of me wanting to continue to New York was a big mistake. Maybe I thought it is the only memory that I could savage from our sad sob relationship.

Maybe I had not wanted to savage the relationship at all. The things that had been going through my mind at that time when I had argued with The Boy. The things that I have done that would have hurt his feelings. They say, you will not appreciate something until you lose it. I guess, it is true to an extend.

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Indulging myself with the cake that David had bought me, it sent me into deep thoughts again.

I do wonder somethings, why can’t we as human being be nicer to each other, and everyone is happy. Instead, we choose to have our selfless thoughts, putting our differences in front of us all the time, and often us that as an excuse to take grudge against one another.

Without a doubt the outing with David was a good one.

Pavilion was the place we visited. David wanted to get himself a short pants, and we went all over Pavilion scouting for one. We both agree that our taste in men are separated by the space the separates the heaven and earth. It was just way too much difference.

I would going out with a young guy, somewhere between the age of 18 to 22. Doesn’t have to be perfect looking, decent personality and a nice smile would be a plus. David on the other hand, prefer the more hunky mature type of guy, ranging between the age of late 20s to early 30s. Of just maybe, it is a good thing.

At Philosophy Men, we saw this really nice pair of trousers. We went in to the store also to check out the two hot guys there. Well he the older one, and me the younger one.

It was also the first time where David stripped himself in front of me, revealing that sexy brief of his, and in black. Sporting a good set of abdominal muscles, I can see why Harry was so fond of David as well. Although it was just a ‘sneak preview’ I had always imagined how David would be like from all the teasing that I give him all the time. Some people are just born with a good set of abdominal muscles, I supposed.

We spent more time walking around Pavilion. I think nothing had changed much since the last time I set my foot to Pavilion. Same old people, same old this, some old that. Perhaps the additional stalls and coffee house, but I think nothing has changed.

Perhaps one of the reasons that I refuse to get myself into Pavilion is because me and the boy used to go there almost every alternate week. Besides Midvalley, we had wandered all around KL, helping the peons polishing the floors of the malls with our brand new Nike’s and Adidas’.

I remembered telling the boy one that that I would give him a thousand ringgit spending money. He was stressed out, and I thought perhaps some retail therapy was best for him.

While penning down this entry, I cried again. Thoughts were lost because there are just too many of them to be put into words and writings.

Whilst I miss the boy a lot, while many had happen after the year that we broke up, I do not think I would wish that we both get together again. I do hope that we can remain as friends, taking care of each other. At least, perhaps, some people are much more happier than me right now.

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Firstly, it was Harry.

If you had read the previous few entries, you would read that problem had started after Harry and me got together in a position that we should have never imagine any of us to be, even as buddies.

That day, before us parting, we were at this restaurant, and were commenting on how the Italian food there could have tasted better. I wasn’t sure why, but I had suggested that I cook and let Harry and David try if my cooking were better. Of course, things did not went as we planned, as Harry had ignored me for the weekend.

I had tried to put the things behind, and tried to concentrate with the cooking. I had failed.

First, the spaghetti turned out too hard because I had missed about 5 minutes on it. The carbonara turned out too bland because I had forgotten to add in the salt.

Presentation wise, I guess it was okay. Besides the set back, David who I had brought to my house said that it was normal. It would be nicer if the spaghetti was a little softer. I guess.

David stayed over at my place because he had wanted to use the computer. He wanted to search for a part time job for the school holidays, and I thought I could use the company. Time to time, we would have small talks, and time to time, Harry would be mentioned. David told me that sometimes it is best to let things go away, what isn’t yours eventually will not be yours no matter how tight you grab it. I wish I could, but I just can’t

Even that short moment of time that I had with Harry had already given me such impact, now it is almost unimaginably hard for me to let go of the boy, for that period much more longer.

Over the few days, I kept on thinking of Harry.

I ended up cooking the same thing again.

and again

and again

I have finally ran out of creme, and spaghetti. I am not too sure if I will go back and get more, but I guess, I will let my tummy rest for the time being.

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It has been three days since I have heard from Harry. The last time I talked with him was when he was on his way back to his hometown (school holidays and all) and he finally had time to get online. He did not mention anything much, and I thought everything is fine.

On Tuesday, Harry finally replied to my numerous messages that I have sent. He said that he was busy with school and such, thats why he had been ‘away’ for the weekend. His text messages were slow, and very unusual.

The then reveal that he was also busy, and wanted to be alone with his boy friend.

I was surprised.

To further my already surprised state of mine, Harry told me that he want to cut contacts with me because he do not feel good about us being friends.

I am not sure what had triggered Harry, but he sent me a text message saying “Point is, let’s just cut contact with each other. All d best. Bye”

I called Harry on his mobile. No answer. I tried again and Harry answered.

I was trying to find out was it because of the sex that we had that he wanted to this. Not forgetting that the boy done this to me before, and I was then not sure what I should be doing.

Harry’s boy friend was beside him, and snatch the phone from Harry.

“I know who are you. You don’t disturb my boyfriend, I know all about you Cedric. CedricAng.com isn’t it? I know”

I wasn’t surprised. To know something that is publicly known, and the person thinks he knows me. For all he knows, he probably knows jackshit, and tries to brainwash Harry into thinking that I am a bad person. I don’t care.

I continue talking with Harry, still reluctant with his decisions, he wanted it to end that way.

I guess, I have to respect him, for one, because I treat him as a friend, and secondly I really do not want him to feel uncomfortable because of what had happen.

It was my mistake. I should not have done that without thinking about the repercussion of the things that might happen because sex is involved.

Yes, the sex session was pleasant, but I think after that, I could sense that Harry regret the decision. Back then, I did not think much about it.

Harry said in a text message “I just don’t feel nice. That’s it. Besides my bf doesn’t want me to befriend any gay friends.”

We had plan to have a eat in lunch at my place and I will be cooking. I know that Harry likes carbonara, and I had bought everything.

I guess, sometimes we could not understand how a human being would thing. Perhaps we should not try to predict the future too much, because everything that you do now, always and will influence the outcome in the future.

Just like me and Harry, just because both of us were horny at that time, we fucked.

The consequences is that I have lost a great buddy, a good friend. If I was given the choice to take back what I have done, I would have done so.

I do not know Harry that well for that long period of time. The truth is, I like Harry a lot, not sexually, but personally as a friend, and a good buddy.

I guess, this teaches us a lesson, to always keep our dick in our pants.

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I could not sleep. Insomnia has got the best of me. That’s not just it, flashback of our moments with the boy hit me hard again, till I almost kneel down to my knees begging it to stop.

I want to cry it out, loud if I could, but I can’t. Streak of tears just kept on falling because it knows I miss the boy very much.

The more I look at my Facebook, the more unhappy I become. I don’t look at Facebook much nowadays because it kept on reminding me of the fear that I have.

Just this afternoon while I was munching on the green apples that I have cut, I saw a profile adding the boy to his Facebook.

Is this the guy that everyone is talking about? Is this the person that people has been telling me that is fucking with my ex boy friend, my boy? Is this the person that took over my ‘duty’ satisfying the boy? Can he?

Questions and questions starting to appear in my mind.

I am not sure if I can get over it, I mean it has been so darn long that the boy has not contacted me. I on the other hand do not want to disturb him because the boy told me he do not want to hear from me. Perhaps, the boy misses me, perhaps not.

I check on the boy’s blog everyday. Hoping that he would update his blog. It has been vacant since last year, my hope of getting to know the boy’s well being just shattered like that, with barrier after barrier blocking my progress.

I sometimes do wonder, if the boy actually still thinks of me. He did say that he wants to cut off all contacts because he wants to move on. He could not without thinking about me. I was somehow flattered, but thinking it to myself, isn’t it better if we had not choose to breakup?

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David is a shy but daring boy. He loves getting loved, and loves loitering in shopping complex. He called me and asked if I was free to bring him around.

We wanted to get ourself to Pavilion, but did not quite make it thanks to the glooming rain, and the forever havoc traffic. It was almost impossible to get to Pavilion.

We took a big U-turn and tried to head our way back to Pavilion. Instead, I took the wrong turn, and ended up on Federal Highway. With no choice to be made, we head over to Ikea for that lunch that both of us were craving for.

I took the Ikea meatballs, one of my all time favorite dish in Ikea Cafe.

David ordered the Chicken dish, I forgot to take picture of that so I post a Salmon dish that I had with the boy last time. HEHEH.

We both endulged ourself with Daim Cake, and the new Cheese Cake. It has been quite some time that I have not been to Ikea for food. I guess, ever since I have broke up with the boy, and the place brings back the memories.

David wanted to try out some pants. We walked over to The Curve to check out what they have to offer. I must admit, that looking for a pair of short pants is really hard for the waist size of 28!

Giving up, we just walked around, people watching as David put it. The crowd was still okay, with the weekend street bazaar.

Time flies when you are with someone that you really like. It was almost midnight when I sent David back. I guess, we were both tired, but it was a really good outing together. We seems to have found the part where we could understand each other, although I would still prefer to have a English speaking boy friend.

I guess, sometimes one cannot be so picky, no?

Oh, while we were having our lunch, I thought I saw someone familiar. So I dialed his number, and he did not answer. I thought I saw the wrong person. He called back instead. Hello there Medie007. Dating huh ?

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