To those that had sent me your best wishes on IM, and those that asked me the results the moment I signed in, I truly appreciate them. For the friends that called me, friends that had send me emails, I truly love you all.

To a friend that sent me a video that he made, it really made my day. Thanks too!

For those readers that reads my blog, I am still doing okay, and I am fine.

I was anxious nonetheless. All my previous worries were still valid until the moment I step out from the counseling room. The counseling itself was a bit uncomfortable to me, I think it if was L in the room, he would not have been comfortable as well being shoved with the questions. Then again, that is what counselors do best, making you feel uncomfortable.

Now, I am going to start from the beginning.

When I was on the way to fetch L, I was being really nervous about the whole thing. If there is a single chance that I can pull out from this, I would have immediately done so. Traffic in KL was superbly good, perhaps it was a good sign that everything would be just fine. Lester kept on assuring me that things are going to be okay, and I tried to calm down by taking deep breaths. But you know this sort of ‘life changing events’ are not that easy to overcome.

We arrived at the place. It was a corner lot of a block of building. Very run down establishment, and I can see that most of the people working there are volunteers.

At first, I had not wanted Lester to follow me, I wasn’t sure how long the whole process is going to take. I wasn’t sure what testing kits that they are using. I wasn’t even sure if I am ready to do all these. I also found out that Otot-otot sauna is in the vicinity, making me feel very uncomfortable leaving L waiting in the car.

When we arrive at the establishment, I was given a file with a questionnaire to fill up. It was a simple one to ask some general stuffs about yourself. How well do you know about HIV, and things like that. They assure you that your identity would not be needed, totally anonymous.

Then, you are assigned with a number, and it is tied to the pink folder that they hand you. The folder is then pass on to the counselor who will then brief you on what is going to happen, and ask you really private questions about your sex life. I have told the counselor that I do not need it, but I guess it is the standard procedure to be done.

That counselling procedure took about 15 minutes. It was very uncomfortable knowing that what you answer is recorded down on the answer sheet. What is comforting is that no identity is revealed, and that’s only that. Due to my sexual habit, I was rated as high risk.

Then, I was ‘pass over’ to another section of the building where the doctor is supposed to be. The doctor is supposed to explain what is the test kit, and what are the various components in the test kit and how to interpret the results. What I wanted at that time was the doctor to just draw the blood, and drip it at the test kit. I guess the doctor must have read my mind, as he had stop explaining things half way, and figured I know what is supposed to be going on.

After the blood was dripped to the test kit, it is then put into a plastic bag, into the folder and then transported to the counselor. More waiting as there were several others that are going for the screening.

I tried to peep at the test kit when the counselor took it out from the folder whilst trying hard not to be seen peeping. The counselor himself had already seen the results and had already put a lot of pressure on me, emotionally. He then explains the possibility of being positive, and what not just to make sure I am okay when he break the news that I am positive.

Then, he showed me.

My heart sank.

The test kit is from Acon Labs. A renowned company that has got many test kits in the market. They have test kits such as for Gonorrhea, Syphilis and even Hepatitis.

The HIV test kit from Acon consist of 3 possible results. Negative, HIV-1 and HIV-2. There are also possibility of HIV-1 and HIV-2 appearing together. On the test kit window, from the top it’s marked as C, T1 and T2.

There are two types of HIV: HIV-1 and HIV-2. Both types are transmitted by sexual contact, through blood, and from mother to child, and they appear to cause clinically indistinguishable AIDS. However, it seems that HIV-2 is less easily transmitted, and the period between initial infection and illness is longer in the case of HIV-2.

Worldwide, the predominant virus is HIV-1, and generally when people refer to HIV without specifying the type of virus they will be referring to HIV-1. The relatively uncommon HIV-2 type is concentrated in West Africa and is rarely found elsewhere.

Oops, I forgot. About my test results.

When I looked at my own test kit. I saw 2 lines.

I was dumb fucked. My heart sank. I did not know what to think at that moment. The counselor had probably saw that, and then he told me it is negative. However, he had to check with the doctor because the C line was smudged, making it looked like 2 lines, both on C and T1.

Counselor came back, and told me the results are okay. It is still negative. I guess I got to start thanking God for that. Lester was relieved too, of course!

For those that are not actively practicing safer sex, please do so until you are certain that you and your partner are clean. Make sure both of you stay faithful to each other. No words can be stronger than that; don’t let your pants do the thinking.

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If you haven notice, I have been starting to call L Lester in the blog. I think it is a good thing since Lester had already acknowledge it. I mean, there are a dozen of people with the name Lester anyways, gay or not *smile*.

Talking online with Adrian has been somewhat ‘freshening’ and totally change my point of view on certain aspect of life.

Adrian is from Melaka. He found CedricAng.com via Google with some really ‘naughty’ keywords. No, I am glad that Adrian found me because the conversation that we have are genuine, instead of those “hey Cedric. I like you, lets fuck tonite.” type of chats.

Lester has been cold towards the relationship nowadays. Perhaps he has got a lot on his mind. From his studies, to his family, and to his love life, sex life has been treating him good, I hope. Then, Adrian asked me this simple question, what is it in me that I see that is in the relationship? How sure was I that it wasn’t sex at all (I have to admit, sex has been a very major part of the relationship since 5 months ago)

For me, I think being in a companionship with someone is rather important, however one could not deny the fact that men gets horny most of the time. I mean, I can’t have sex with Lester without him having interest as well, right?

Sex issues apart, I think I am putting a lot in this relationship; I get angry with Lester a lot of times during our relationship. There were times when I tried to make him happy by cheering him up, and things like that. To me, being in a relationship is to understand the other person better, and as the saying goes, to be part of each other.

During the course of the relationship, I wanted to share part of my life with L, partially because I wasn’t too comfortable with the other little details that no one else know about me. A couple weeks after we broke up, L started asking me things that I was hiding from him. Things like what did I wrote in my notebook/diary that I have prevented him to see, why did I stop doing that, and why this, why that.

At that time, every single secret that I have kept so dearly does not matter to me anymore. In my state of mine, I could have just tell L upfront what is it that I am expecting from him, and what is it that I should stay away from. I clearly did not see that coming to me.

The time when I brought L to a party together with my colleague, I had mistaken that L could adapt to it comfortably, until the day when L actually walked away from me venting his frustrations ‘mixing’ with my friends. You see, the age gap thing does play a very big role in the relationship. It is not more about who is not understanding who, but more of the peers that one has. L is young, like 10 years younger than me. I mix with people around my age, and when I tried to introduce them to L, L would not be comfortable. Then I tried with another approach, to get to know people around the age of Lester. Nope, that did not work out well too because L then was worried abut why am I mixing with people that are so young, he was afraid that I would leave him, and go for them, I think.

Understanding Lester is a very great task to me, I wanted to know what is he thinking, and what is he not. Most of the time, I am just being me, the overactive mind of mine. I in turn ask him questions, loads of questions and this akin his family. L thinks that I am interrogating him, which I am not.

Things are slowly working out between me and L. L refused to call me his boy friend, he refused to call me his lover despite the numerous times he told me that he love me. Only time will be able to fix this.

I have learn that I should not rush things too often. L himself do not like to be rushed, and that is what I should learn to do.

Okay fine, I am really nervous about the whole HIV test thing. I had wanted to do it myself, at home. I have searched around and I have found a possible source that could answer my search for a home test kit; and kit that can provide me some assurance with it’s high accuracy rates. OraQuick was a product that is non intrusive, and private.

I mean, I really do not mind taking tests elsewhere. It wasn’t the procedure itself the scares me, it was the ‘database’ that I would be in if I am infected.

I had not wanted to go to this ‘anonymous testing’ center to get the test done. What if I bump into someone that I know? The possibilities are just endless. With the home test kit, I can be somewhat sure that I am negative and then I can get a proper HIV testing at a better facility, the one that uses blood and all.

Well, when desperate times like this comes, I guess I have to do the necessary. I am glad that Lester had decided to tag along with me, as a moral support in case I break down half way. Whether would L take the test or not is not necessary, at least I think not yet.

I am really worried about the result now, perhaps someone can just hit me at the head and put me into a deep sleep until later when it’s time to go for the test.

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Just when you thought everything would be okay, you set out your plans to embrace what is good to come, you then find out that in order to get a work permit in Singapore requires you to have a medical checkup. Which means, a HIV test.

If you have followed my blog early enough, you would have read that I was contemplating into doing the test because I was scared and worried. I wasn’t scared of the process, but more to anxious about the results.

I remembered vaguely that a fellow blogger friend of mine who went to Singapore and required to go for the medical examinations. He was jokingly talking about the doctors grabbing his nuts and asking him to cough.

I am utterly disgusted by the fact that I am the root cause of all these. Lester called me earlier saying that he might need to discuss with his immediate family, and he might not be able to because of how the immediate family treats him. Hypocritical kinda family.

Not that I want to talk bad about Lester’s immediate family or something, but I think his own family can handle their family problem and not needing their help. Seriously.

Then again, what if I failed the HIV test? Then I have no way of getting to Singapore to work. Lester would have no chance of studying abroad. Yes, I am the root cause of the whole issue here.

Tomorrow would be the judgment day for me. I would go down to Pink Triangle to get the HIV test done, once and for all.

It’s judgment day.

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He came online that day. I was online the same time as he was. I was still contemplating if I should tell him or not. I choose to let him know, at least I would want to be responsible for that action. The act that I should have been for a testing before engaging in a relationship with someone as young and adorable and LOVING as my boy friend.

I told him, he said he knew what was it about. I had no idea about the offline message that he had sent me because my MSN was not capable of receiving such. L was being very very supportive. From his words, he seems to be calm, which is a good thing. I guess the biggest obstacle to face now is me, and only myself.

Anyways,

That was easy, I thought.

Perhaps my greatest fear was myself. I could not bear with the results; I do not wish to attend any counseling sessions either. It’s all the same thing, they are just a bunch of audio recordings that tells you not to worry, the future is still bright, the understand how we feel and etc. All these bullshit, I have heard them all.

I keep on telling myself to calm down. Sleeplessness is not going to help with the situation.

I am going to make any appointment with Pink Triangle, then we will see what is next. Wish me luck, I need lots of them. Oh, thank you guys again for the encouraging emails and comments. I really appreciate it a lot.

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It all started earlier today when I message a couple of people in my address book. Just saying hi kind of thing so that people do not forget my existence.

One of them came back, it started off with a casual chat. How has he been doing, how was everything and stuffs.

Then it strikes me.

He told me that he went for a HIV test beginning of the year, and found out to be HIV positive.

Flashes of moment when I had my cock inside him, all raw and without protection run through my mind. I was scared, I tried to dig it out more from him, to find out whether it was me, or someone after me that gave him the death sentence.

I know, I am selfish, and I did that because I am scared, paranoid and generally freaked the daylight out of me.

This guy is someone that I had sex with almost 2 years ago. He was this someone from my neighborhood. He was young at that time, and he wanted to try having sex with someone. That someone appears to be me.

We fucked 3 times. Each without the latex, and each time I have ejaculated into him by request; because he liked the feeling of the squirts inside him.

I thought it would be alright, since it was his first time. I was his first partner that have penetrated him. From the books, everything seems to be fine.

Everything else seems to be unimportant for that few minutes. It wasn’t about me anymore. From that moment, L is what I have in mind. What if I also infected him, should I tell him about the messages that I have got? Should I …

I needed to call someone, I needed to talk to someone to calm down. There was no one else that I can call from my phone book.

Driving home embracing the evening traffic. The thought of me being HIV positive keeps on racing through my braincells. I arrived home still feeling moody and inattentive. Lying down on the bed trying to rest my already exhausted body. I slowly drifted to a light sleep.

It wasn’t enough, because I woke up just slightly after midnight. If it wasn’t because of fatigue, I might not even be sleeping at all.

I recall the moment where I went for a blood donation. In fact, I was happy with it because till date I still had not receive any calls saying that my blood was contaminated with the HIV virus. Well, then I thought, maybe they just throw it away because it was contaminated while cursing at the blood donor for being a fagot.

I have been talking about the HIV test ages ago, I know. I always wanted to go test myself, but till date I have not done any. It wasn’t the test that I was worried about. It was the result. I do not think I can accept the answer if I were to be HIV positive. No one would, I think.

My next worry would be L. I could not care less about myself, but I want L to be okay. I tried calling him for a couple of times, wanting to talk face to face with him. Then I remembered his phone was dead, it went into a coma a couple of days earlier.

Maybe I wasn’t the one that is infected. Maybe it was someone else that had infected him, way after I had first penetrated him. Well, he thinks so too.

Perhaps I need to get my acts together, go for the HIV test and embrace the truth. I still need to somehow tell L, though. Perhaps I should only tell L after my test results came back. I guess this is a better way, than to make the already anxious L worried another thing.

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