I want

Lovers Kissing

Was it really that bad?

The other night, while I was trying to get to bed, I think of the boy again. I don’t know why, but nowadays it seems like a habit to me. Perhaps my body is getting really used to this by now. I mean, how can it not be?

For the past 9 months I have been trying, trying to get a hold of myself, trying to grip on to something. Nothing.

For the past 9 months, all I could think was, how can I continue to live like this, how could I continue to do anything. I was afraid; afraid to get out and have fun, afraid to make new friends because I was scared that I might fall in love again. I was afraid of falling in love.

I thought it would be a good thing, to fall in love again, to be kissing someone, getting kissed back. If only my pillow could hug me back when I hug my pillow, if only that magical moment happens, I would not mind just hugging on to my pillow.

Yes, I was thinking about it, should I just go away in an accident? But I was afraid of pain. What if I wasn’t going fast enough, what if I had to suffer later? What if, I destroyed my face? NO!

I don’t want that. I want to die in an open casket, I want people to see my last look, I want people to miss me, but I am dead, would I still feel that way? I doubt.

I am afraid of dying, and yet, there is this part of me that says I want to be.

I want to be kissed, I want to be loved. I want to be hugged.

That’s all I want.

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2 Responses to I want

  1. cyrus February 16, 2009 at 7:36 pm #

    well…i definately agree wit tis statement….- “If only my pillow could hug me back when I hug my pillow, if only that magical moment happens, I would not mind just hugging on to my pillow.”

    tis will only happened when we hv no one to take care n no one to hug….perhaps u may say u got a lot of “bees” around u….bt tat kind of miracle feelin will only pop up when yeah…he is the right one..

    hope u will get ur mr right soon…so tat no need to hypnotize urelf tat hugging a pillow is always better….

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