Holding on

As I sit myself on the plane, doing something out of my routine I was reflecting on my goals and achievements that I have done throughout the year.

It was just moments ago before I leave the hotel room to Incheon, that I weigh myself on the scale. I gained another 5kg of weight. It was nothing unusual, really.

Come every December, it seems to be the month where I gain some weight. Perhaps due to the kinda depression that I have to go through, or perhaps it was due to the holiday and year end. I would like to think that it was because of the holiday, but deep inside, I know it was because I miss The Boy.

I have to admit, I tend to eat a lot when I am down and depressed. Depression has seem to be the every day of my life now. I could try not to think of it by trying to do something productive. It doesn’t last long before my mind start wandering again; yes I can’t seem to concentrate on doing something that I want to do.

As my iPod plays my favourite songs, that one song that me and The Boy liked started playing. I remember myself putting that song into a playlist that strictly labelled as “Do not play this play list, you dumb arse” but it never seem to work, not how I want to, anyways.

I finally made it there, I thought I had made a clean getaway; I met someone whom I thought we share the same mutual affections, the same someone that would give me that warm tender love that I would give the same. I miss you, I miss you every single day.

I thought I was strong, strong enough to beat that urge not to let that drop of tear escape. At 40,000 feet above sea level, it is quite impossible to get out from here.

I should have seen it coming. That thought of you going out with someone sends the shivers down the spine. It was back to the days before we part our ways that I still remember vividly. That day where you told me what had happened the previous night. I was furious; how can I not be?

It still hurts me the day when you started to ignore my calls. It still hurts me that you had agree to go along with another guy. What happened to our mutual agreement that we would be together? What had happened so badly that you had to put away everything that we build so hard?

It saddens me even more that the other guy did not trust you enough to let you stay alone at his home. It saddens me that you had to run off to hiding whenever there is a raid to his premise. It saddens me that you have to sit at his work place waiting for him to go along with whatever illegal business that he is doing.

What sadden me most is despite all that, you still choose to be with him.

Were you really that desperate to make that loud statement to me that you had somewhat found someone better in your life? How long did that last you? Three weeks?

I have known you enough that you would not have gone more than a month with that guy. What can he provide you that I could not? I simply just could not understand.

I was angry, and I have every right to be by the way you treated me.

You were angry too, and you have all the rights to be.

But what had happened could have been easily fixed if we were to give in. We did, and it seemed to work, for whatever reasons there was.

I never had the intention to lock you down to my side. I was afraid of losing you, I was afraid of you getting hurt. You in turn, prefer to be left out in the wild. I am not a control freak, I never intend to be, but look at what had happen after that?

The memories seems to fade away, slowly.

“Are you okay, sir.”

The flight attendant were a little concern.

For a moment, I thought it was The Boy. I must have doze off shortly after take off.

“We are crossing the Pacific Ocean,” claimed the flight attendant, with a very heavy Korean accent.

“Could I offer you another drink, sir?” he continues.

“Sure, something alcoholic, please.” I stressed.

“Wine okay for you sir?”

“Ne, kamsamnida.” I thank him in Korean, a simple word that I picked up while in Korea

He smiled back.

I closed the lid of my Macbook Pro, gazing outside of the tiny air craft window, with clouds swiftly passing by from underneath of the plane. I thought I see ships as small as ants, and my thoughts slowly drifted away again.

I have tried so hard to fill that emptiness, that I have forgot sometimes who I am. All I had wanted was you to hold on to, something that I could hold on in return. Was it that hard to be yourself that you be someone else?

Just a day before, I was having the dream. The same dream that I have every time I dream of you. We were blowing the candles off your birthday cake. It was a chocolate cake, the one that you like, with tiny bits of blueberries and strawberries on top. I had purposely gotten it imported because the local ones are just not good enough. I was holding your hand together and we closed our eyes to make that wish.

When I opened my eyes, I felt the emptiness. The kind where I know that you are no longer with me.

, ,

3 Responses to Holding on

  1. William December 28, 2011 at 9:58 am #

    The candles have been blown. The flames have flickered out. Only smoke and shadows remain. In the dark, it’s much easier to find another lighted candle!

  2. eric September 19, 2012 at 10:03 am #

    are u still writing?

  3. Cedric Ang September 19, 2012 at 11:50 am #


    I am, just seldom.

Leave a Reply