Whose fault is it?

Looking at his pictures that I have placed on my desk, I could not believe I could have said those words to him. It must have hurt him as much as it hurt me.

I could not believe for something that I have treasured so hard, and I could just let go like that.

It wasn’t easy, especially with L that I have been so fond with. There are no words to describe the amount of love that I have with him, and I shall forbid myself to compare it with anyone else, because the competition just could not keep up to it.

I tried really hard to understand him. He is young, issues that he thinks needs to be voice out, should be voice out there and then. Me on the other hand, prefer not to talk about it to avoid an argument, because it always does.

Just the other night when we were having our supper at KFC, I was mentioning that the name Kentucky is not visible anymore. It is as though they have totally changed the brand name. L of course disagree, and smirk a remark, different people, different perception. I can’t understand his reasoning of saying that, and seeing that it is going to end up into an argument, I just stop talking about it.

I think it was a fairly wise decision.

Back in the days, I had told L that I do not wish him to know someone that is older than him. Mainly I was feeling protective over L, judging from the ways that how we have met. Yes, I was afraid. I was paranoid.

Then, a couple of days ago. I told him that a friend from Sarawak over, and I told him I want him to tag along with me to meet this guy. L refused, and he told me that he do not want me to meet up with younger guys, without giving me any reasons. It is not that I am looking for one, but I was surprised he told me that. Fine, I thought.

L likes this game, that I had played before a couple of years back, and I never liked it. It was never my genre of game, even though MMORPG in general is my interest. L messaged me the other day, telling me that he would be busy with his game, and that he would not be talking with me except in the game. It did not take me too long to start downloading the game again, and started to dig out the old emails that might contain my username and password. Loneliness strike me. I knew that the time that I could spend with him, is only in game. I was wrong.

Throughout the game, not only did L too concentrating on the game, I was basically staring at the screen, waiting for him to reply me. Was it worth it, I did not think so.

The things that I dislike the most, is making me to wait for someone to reply, and L does that, several times. I can’t get angry with him because he is my boy friend. I should not get angry with him because he is concentrating at his game. I should have seen that coming instead of trying to install the game, spent a couple hundred ringgit buying a product that is utterly useless. Spending sleepless nights trying to level up in the hope that I can catch up with L’s already high level.

I find it hard to talk to L sometimes. I prefer the subtle hint of stuffs. Where L likes the “put the blame on me” tactic. I buy that, all the time. Every time I try to say something, he would then use the words against me, never the meaning behind it.

We had a fight the other time. A really bad one until we decided that we should walk our separate ways. I recall it was way over 2 weeks, and every day I could only see L in my dreams, L in everything that I do. During that 2 week period, every short message that comes through my phone, I would have thought it was L. Everyone else that were beside me not only see the difference, they also felt the difference when I had become more aggressive in everything that I do.

I had L that day over for a movie at my place. Things had started to get better, we had a couple of drinks, and I started hugging him telling him how much I missed him. I really do.

It went back to normal again, until today …

Sometimes, I really do not want to let it go, and some other times, I am just tired of the relationship. I blame it on his upbringing. On how his family treated him based on the rants that he had. I had always wanted to move L out of the family, staying together with him, hopefully giving him the pamper that he never had.

I failed.

He always tell me to accept him as who he is. I did, I had never wanted to change him to into someone else. I just run out of words when I tried to explain that to him. He always thinks that I am always finding fault with him, blaming himself for the things that he had never done.

Sometimes, I just wish that I do not get hit by emotion that easily. Perhaps that time, I could let it go much more easier …

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