Whose fault is it?

Look­ing at his pic­tures that I have placed on my desk, I could not believe I could have said those words to him. It must have hurt him as much as it hurt me.

I could not believe for some­thing that I have trea­sured so hard, and I could just let go like that.

It wasn’t easy, espe­cial­ly with L that I have been so fond with. There are no words to describe the amount of love that I have with him, and I shall for­bid myself to com­pare it with any­one else, because the com­pe­ti­tion just could not keep up to it.

I tried real­ly hard to under­stand him. He is young, issues that he thinks needs to be voice out, should be voice out there and then. Me on the oth­er hand, pre­fer not to talk about it to avoid an argu­ment, because it always does.

Just the oth­er night when we were hav­ing our sup­per at KFC, I was men­tion­ing that the name Ken­tucky is not vis­i­ble any­more. It is as though they have total­ly changed the brand name. L of course dis­agree, and smirk a remark, dif­fer­ent peo­ple, dif­fer­ent per­cep­tion. I can’t under­stand his rea­son­ing of say­ing that, and see­ing that it is going to end up into an argu­ment, I just stop talk­ing about it.

I think it was a fair­ly wise deci­sion.

Back in the days, I had told L that I do not wish him to know some­one that is old­er than him. Main­ly I was feel­ing pro­tec­tive over L, judg­ing from the ways that how we have met. Yes, I was afraid. I was para­noid.

Then, a cou­ple of days ago. I told him that a friend from Sarawak over, and I told him I want him to tag along with me to meet this guy. L refused, and he told me that he do not want me to meet up with younger guys, with­out giv­ing me any rea­sons. It is not that I am look­ing for one, but I was sur­prised he told me that. Fine, I thought.

L likes this game, that I had played before a cou­ple of years back, and I nev­er liked it. It was nev­er my genre of game, even though MMORPG in gen­er­al is my inter­est. L mes­saged me the oth­er day, telling me that he would be busy with his game, and that he would not be talk­ing with me except in the game. It did not take me too long to start down­load­ing the game again, and start­ed to dig out the old emails that might con­tain my user­name and pass­word. Lone­li­ness strike me. I knew that the time that I could spend with him, is only in game. I was wrong.

Through­out the game, not only did L too con­cen­trat­ing on the game, I was basi­cal­ly star­ing at the screen, wait­ing for him to reply me. Was it worth it, I did not think so.

The things that I dis­like the most, is mak­ing me to wait for some­one to reply, and L does that, sev­er­al times. I can’t get angry with him because he is my boy friend. I should not get angry with him because he is con­cen­trat­ing at his game. I should have seen that com­ing instead of try­ing to install the game, spent a cou­ple hun­dred ring­git buy­ing a prod­uct that is utter­ly use­less. Spend­ing sleep­less nights try­ing to lev­el up in the hope that I can catch up with L’s already high lev­el.

I find it hard to talk to L some­times. I pre­fer the sub­tle hint of stuffs. Where L likes the “put the blame on me” tac­tic. I buy that, all the time. Every time I try to say some­thing, he would then use the words against me, nev­er the mean­ing behind it.

We had a fight the oth­er time. A real­ly bad one until we decid­ed that we should walk our sep­a­rate ways. I recall it was way over 2 weeks, and every day I could only see L in my dreams, L in every­thing that I do. Dur­ing that 2 week peri­od, every short mes­sage that comes through my phone, I would have thought it was L. Every­one else that were beside me not only see the dif­fer­ence, they also felt the dif­fer­ence when I had become more aggres­sive in every­thing that I do.

I had L that day over for a movie at my place. Things had start­ed to get bet­ter, we had a cou­ple of drinks, and I start­ed hug­ging him telling him how much I missed him. I real­ly do.

It went back to nor­mal again, until today …

Some­times, I real­ly do not want to let it go, and some oth­er times, I am just tired of the rela­tion­ship. I blame it on his upbring­ing. On how his fam­i­ly treat­ed him based on the rants that he had. I had always want­ed to move L out of the fam­i­ly, stay­ing togeth­er with him, hope­ful­ly giv­ing him the pam­per that he nev­er had.

I failed.

He always tell me to accept him as who he is. I did, I had nev­er want­ed to change him to into some­one else. I just run out of words when I tried to explain that to him. He always thinks that I am always find­ing fault with him, blam­ing him­self for the things that he had nev­er done.

Some­times, I just wish that I do not get hit by emo­tion that eas­i­ly. Per­haps that time, I could let it go much more eas­i­er …

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