The secret love

For the past few months, my love story has been the most complicated one. I dare not say that no one ever encounter anything like mine, but I am pretty sure I do not know anyone that had the same experience like I did.

While my relationship ended with “L”, I told myself that I would wait for him to come back. I love L a lot, and I dare not imagine myself looking for another person, and start a relationship with him.

When I met Eric, it totally changed. I did not want to start a relationship with Eric, but rather because Eric is so alike “L” I thought of starting it, just to see what happen.

I changed, I wanted to fuck Eric. Just because of that, I have been spending time together with Eric, hoping that one day I get to fuck him.

Things change when Zai came over to look for Eric. I saw Zai, and I almost fell in love with him. It is very hard for me to explain in words, but that time, I really wanted to know more about Zai, want to get to know him better, and eventually be one of his good buddies.

On that night, I accompany Zai doing his groceries, we had a nice time chatting, and it seems like we have known each other for a very long time. Before he went home, he gave me his number.

I called that number that night, Zai wanted to do his revision for his studies, I needed someone to company me. I offered Zai to be his company that night. We went for supper together in KL, we had a really good time together. I slowly find myself liking Zai more than liking Eric.

That time, sex is not the thing I am thinking, I just wanted Zai’s companion. Zai spent the night in my room on my bed doing his revision. Fatigue hit him and slowly he drifted into sleep. I look at the sweet boy on my bed, and started thinking about sex. I touched him. He woke up, giving me that grin that he don’t mind my touch. I gave him a kiss on the lips, he kissed me back. We both enjoyed the kiss, that soon turned into a french kiss. He was hard, I took off his pants, and started sucking his cock.

We ended up in each other’s arm that night.

A few days has passed, I have been spending my night at Zai’s place. We had a lot of fun together. Shopping, walking around, going to clubs to dance and looking for new places to eat.

At first, Zai told me that I can like him, but I cannot fall in love with him. I did not understand what he meant at that time, but I continue to slowly fall in love with him.

The next few days, Zai told me that he had accepted the proposal from E, someone that he had met online, and had been going out for a few times together. He liked E a lot, and Zai said to me, that E knows about me, knows about us.

E knows that I have been sleeping with Zai. He knows that I am falling in love with Zai. E asked Zai, if I have better qualities, why did Zai choose him and not me? Zai could not answer.

In Zai’s mind, he look at me as a play boy, playful when it comes to a relationship. Yet, at times, he thinks that I am a great lover, because of how I have treated S, and at the same time, a bad lover because of how bad I have treated L.

That day, Zai told me that E is coming over to his house because E do not need to work the following day. I secretly put a condom under Zai’s pillow, hoping that they would had fun. That night, thinking that E is making love with Zai, I cried.

After 2 weeks together, me liking Zai has turned into a secret love. I dare not tell him that I love him because I know he has got E, yet at the same time, my actions had shown him that I love him a lot, perhaps even more than I love S.

That morning when E was with him, I cooked breakfast.

I cooked 2 portion, one for Zai, and another for E. I think the main reason I did that, is I want to let E know that I existed, and I cared for Zai a lot, and I can do much more better things to make Zai happy. Spending more time with Zai, doing things together with Zai, and most importantly, care about him.

Zai had showed me that he love E more. I still remember Zai told me, that we can pak “peng you” tuo. I agreed, because I do not want to be in a relationship at that time. When I know that E and Zai is making love that night, my heart sank, and I cried.

Just like this, I came back to the same situation. Crying alone by myself. I still remember the things that I said to Zai, I will never love you, you can never make me cry.


6 Responses to The secret love

  1. little prince October 3, 2008 at 1:54 am #


    why does love make things soooooo complicated.

  2. Cedric Ang October 3, 2008 at 10:47 am #

    I want to know too. Just when I thought I found my little prince =(

  3. clement October 6, 2008 at 6:14 pm #

    you are making yourself complicated, ced. Go over it as he is not worth a cent for you. He is just filling the empty space in btween the time with E. He is a plain idoit. Tell him to F*** off!

  4. Apostle8 October 7, 2008 at 10:05 am #

    Hi remember me ? I’m sorry you are going through a tough patch. I know how you feel as I have just found out the one person I have loved is loving someone else behind my back. Been breaking down forever.. Seems like it will never end.

  5. alan October 10, 2008 at 8:50 pm #

    I nearly cried. I so understand that feel…. seeing the one you love is with the another person and all you wanted is him being happy even if it might hurt yourself. It’s like you wanted to trade his sorrow for your own joy… I’m proud of you cedric… hope you can get over it and continue your life. You still have a wonderful life ahead of you.

  6. Wtv October 13, 2008 at 3:13 am #

    I had this long mail for you, regarding this mess. Electricity got cut out and im jst too lazy to re type it out. Lol.

    Anyway, Im in the same mess except that im straight. But, Ive got really good friends who are gay, and have been through the same thing as you have. IMHO, straight and bi relationships might differ in some areas but it all boils down to the same thing in some. As of now, its just best to move on. Hell, rip off the plaster. Grin and bear it. 30 miserable days later, you’ll start moving on. Boot the dude. Cease all communications.

    I paid almost everything for my ex. Studies, stuff, accommodation and stuff. Coming from a broken family with a mom that has barely enough, i paid for her everything. And look at what i got? She refuses to talk to me. Bitch.

    Point is, some people have just weird views. We think we’re nice..well, because we are. But there has got to be some unexplained reason as to why they do this. We just have to live with it and move on. Saying is easier than done but hey, im doing what i said. Not easy but you gotta start somewhere.

    Move on. Its their loss. Not ours.