The mistake

I could not sleep this morning until 4 am. The bright moon light from the New York’s cityscape peeking through my window on my face.

I tried very hard to fall asleep.

The thought of us together got me awake. Ever since you found yourself in someone else’s arms, I have been thinking about you day and night.

It rained today. Not too heavy, but just rained.

I went out to the street, hopefully to get my mind off things for a moment.

I caught Chris online. I must say that I am glad I have someone that lives almost the same timezone as me. Being 12 hours behind everyone that I know sometimes is not a good thing for me, especially when I needed someone badly to chat with.

One mistake I make prior coming to New York.

When I was with the boy, we had our plans to move to New York. Study, and working together.

We even traveled to New York together to look at how the things are, to see if we could get used to our surroundings. We looked for a uni, a place to stay. While we were walking one day during our holiday, we saw this place that is up for sale. It is a quiet neighborhood, and we quite like the surroundings. We manage to contact the owner, and the owner was kind enough to meet us up on that day itself.

When we entered the place, I felt immediately like home. Located at the Upper West Side, it has windows overviewing Central Park. With private pool, we immediately fell in love with the place. Unlike condos or apartments, the loft has got no rooms, but rather a huge space where we can separate the rooms by ourselves. The scene of Queer as Folk immediately triggered both of our senses, and we totally forgot that the owner were actually waiting for us.

Dinner time that night was all about The Loft that we saw. We were visualizing how we would decorate the place, where we would put the bed, where will we put the LCD TV, the PS3, the kitchen and etc.

The next day itself, we spoken with the owner again, this time, I had paid a sum of USD5000 upfront as a deposit.

I was preparing for my university that is starting in a couple more days. A white envelope slipped and dropped to the floor of the loft.

When we were having our visit to New York, we had enrolled ourselves to one of the varsity here. When we broke up a year ago, the boy returned me the envelope together with the varsity’s offer letter. I must have slipped it in between my school documents, and now the memories of us being together is haunting me.

I had tried my best to design and decorate The Loft as per how the boy had wanted it. Maybe, I had a thought that maybe some day the boy would come back. For the past few nights after I have arrived here, I imaged myself cooking at the kitchen for The Boy. Both of us would be happy feasting on the meal that we had prepare, and perhaps a sip of wine looking over Central Park.

Maybe the idea of me wanting to continue to New York was a big mistake. Maybe I thought it is the only memory that I could savage from our sad sob relationship.

Maybe I had not wanted to savage the relationship at all. The things that had been going through my mind at that time when I had argued with The Boy. The things that I have done that would have hurt his feelings. They say, you will not appreciate something until you lose it. I guess, it is true to an extend.

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2 Responses to The mistake

  1. KLite May 17, 2009 at 12:34 pm #

    It is my first time commenting on this blog and I hope it is okay for you. I’m just a kind of person who can’t stand seeing someone so depressed.

    Well, dating life is like that and I’m positive that you will find someone even better in future. Reminiscing about the times you had with your boy is perfectly normal but make sure it doesn’t stop you from doing everything else and in the end, causing your normal daily routine to collapse.

    My advice is, whenever you recall about it and feel down, just cry your lungs out. It doesn’t matter if it makes you look like a pussy. It works … (a bit?) And after that, you can walk out to the streets and stroll the park and do people watching, cycle the streets and look at random things, play with the dogs at the pet shop (that is if you like dogs in the first place).. But no matter what, don’t consume alcohol. It is temporary nirvana and also, getting a beer belly and a rotten kidney sucks XD

    Honestly, I suck at giving advice but I hope it cheered you up a wee bit. And please get yourself back on the road as soon as possible. Looking forward to happy posts in future. I’ll be keeping track if you don’t mind.

    • Cedric Ang May 17, 2009 at 7:31 pm #


      Welcome to my blog. Well I am quite sure of finding someone special, but the process is tedious and it’s almost killing me. I do cry out loud when I feel down, but this is going way too often, I would say. Rather, it’s not helping, if at all.

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