The memories

I have tried so hard to protect him, but at the end, I ended up as his worst enemy.

I could not justify myself why and how did I do that; I had threaten the boy that I would go to his family to get back whatever money that he had owed me. The money that I used to pay for his college, the money that I gave him for spending, the money that I used to buy him gifts and presents.

I had a good reason to do that, the boy wanted to terminate all communication he got with me. He initiated it by deleting me off his MSN contacts, I found that out when I looked at the reverse list and could not find him there.

The boy said that he wanted it off because he do not want to think of me anymore. He had trouble letting me off his mind, and same goes for me.

Every time when we argue, I always use threat to go against him. I had promised him prior to this that I will not threaten him anymore, I had to at the end, because I do not want the relationship/friendship to end this way.

Had a few hours of talk yesterday night. I was supposed to go over to his place to grab his thumb drive so that I can put in Gossip Girl or songs for him. Suddenly the question of him having sex with his boy friend came to my mind. I had to know, it was a deal before, and I wish to keep that deal. The deal is that, if I pay for his college fees, he are not supposed to fall in love with another person, nor can he have sex with another person. Later on, I told him that I do not mind if he found someone else that could take care of him.

I do not know why did I say that to him, that I do not mind if he found another lover. I know I do not mean to say it, but I did. I just have to accept the fact that he is now gone.

For the past week, I have been to clubs, drinking and trying to enjoy the music. I do not want to stay in my room for the most of the time, because everything I see in my room, it will remind me of him.

The pictures that I have framed up, the teddy bear that he gave me, the lip gloss that he introduced me to, the shirt that we choosed together, every single thing will remind me of the boy.

Until now, I still could not explain the such big impact that the boy had with me.

I met the boy. I wanted to discuss the plans that we have. He had stop ignoring me and started to talk to me again, so I went over to his place, and wanted to grab something from him. I said something wrong, something about him not able to have sex for the next 4 years. We desperately need that conversation.

I asked him, even after we have broke up since April, why did he still go out with me, making love together, and do things that couple do ? He can only answer me, because he thought we still have another chance to be together.

I can’t think straight. I threw the box of cosmetics that I have spent over RM500 out the window. He said he do not need my help anymore, he can manage it himself. Really?

I do not know what I want, I do not know what he want. Will we ever be together again? Will we even be able to be friends? Will I get jealous when he tell me things about him and his boy friend? Will I get angry if he don’t call me anymore?


2 Responses to The memories

  1. kevin September 14, 2008 at 11:25 am #

    As I said before, its a very painful experience but life has and must to go on. Perhaps if it makes u feel better, we can chat on MSN and share notes. Take care.

  2. unknown to you September 17, 2008 at 6:40 pm #

    Just happen to browse your blog and I don’t know you but you got pretty badly banged up by love. Go get yourself some break and sweat it out your troubles, not to mention cry it out too.