The memories

I have tried so hard to pro­tect him, but at the end, I end­ed up as his worst ene­my.

I could not jus­ti­fy myself why and how did I do that; I had threat­en the boy that I would go to his fam­i­ly to get back what­ev­er mon­ey that he had owed me. The mon­ey that I used to pay for his col­lege, the mon­ey that I gave him for spend­ing, the mon­ey that I used to buy him gifts and presents.

I had a good rea­son to do that, the boy want­ed to ter­mi­nate all com­mu­ni­ca­tion he got with me. He ini­ti­at­ed it by delet­ing me off his MSN con­tacts, I found that out when I looked at the reverse list and could not find him there.

The boy said that he want­ed it off because he do not want to think of me any­more. He had trou­ble let­ting me off his mind, and same goes for me.

Every time when we argue, I always use threat to go against him. I had promised him pri­or to this that I will not threat­en him any­more, I had to at the end, because I do not want the relationship/friendship to end this way.

Had a few hours of talk yes­ter­day night. I was sup­posed to go over to his place to grab his thumb dri­ve so that I can put in Gos­sip Girl or songs for him. Sud­den­ly the ques­tion of him hav­ing sex with his boy friend came to my mind. I had to know, it was a deal before, and I wish to keep that deal. The deal is that, if I pay for his col­lege fees, he are not sup­posed to fall in love with anoth­er per­son, nor can he have sex with anoth­er per­son. Lat­er on, I told him that I do not mind if he found some­one else that could take care of him.

I do not know why did I say that to him, that I do not mind if he found anoth­er lover. I know I do not mean to say it, but I did. I just have to accept the fact that he is now gone.

For the past week, I have been to clubs, drink­ing and try­ing to enjoy the music. I do not want to stay in my room for the most of the time, because every­thing I see in my room, it will remind me of him.


The pic­tures that I have framed up, the ted­dy bear that he gave me, the lip gloss that he intro­duced me to, the shirt that we choosed togeth­er, every sin­gle thing will remind me of the boy.

Until now, I still could not explain the such big impact that the boy had with me.

I met the boy. I want­ed to dis­cuss the plans that we have. He had stop ignor­ing me and start­ed to talk to me again, so I went over to his place, and want­ed to grab some­thing from him. I said some­thing wrong, some­thing about him not able to have sex for the next 4 years. We des­per­ate­ly need that con­ver­sa­tion.

I asked him, even after we have broke up since April, why did he still go out with me, mak­ing love togeth­er, and do things that cou­ple do ? He can only answer me, because he thought we still have anoth­er chance to be togeth­er.

I can’t think straight. I threw the box of cos­met­ics that I have spent over RM500 out the win­dow. He said he do not need my help any­more, he can man­age it him­self. Real­ly?

I do not know what I want, I do not know what he want. Will we ever be togeth­er again? Will we even be able to be friends? Will I get jeal­ous when he tell me things about him and his boy friend? Will I get angry if he don’t call me any­more?

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2 Responses to The memories

  1. kevin September 14, 2008 at 11:25 am #

    As I said before, its a very painful expe­ri­ence but life has and must to go on. Per­haps if it makes u feel bet­ter, we can chat on MSN and share notes. Take care.

  2. unknown to you September 17, 2008 at 6:40 pm #

    Just hap­pen to browse your blog and I don’t know you but you got pret­ty bad­ly banged up by love. Go get your­self some break and sweat it out your trou­bles, not to men­tion cry it out too.