I am sure a couple of people have read about my suicide episodes after L had found himself a companion.
Almost 10 days ago it was when it all started. Everything went on so fast, too fast that it took me down like a defenseless ant.
40 sleeping pills, a couple of pain killers, a couple of ‘Panadol’ and a bottle Vodka, I woke up almost 26 hours later. It was a miracle, but the thought of L is still fresh in my mind. My mind started to wander around the realm out of the reality and trying to think without the actual thinking.
No, I wasn’t seeking attention from L. I might sounded like I did but that wasn’t my intentions. After almost committing the crime of the final episodes of my life, it feels like I was emotionally blackmailing L, to be together with me. It was unfair for both of us.
I had not drag anyone together in with me. It wasn’t a mass suicide. In fact, not many people know about it except my ex boy friend A, that I have called and cried and I told him my problem. A had no knowledge of knowing me taken the drugs and substance. A had no idea that I was hoping for an overdose and peacefully leave this world behind. Leaving the sad sob life that I currently have.
Ever since the incident, a close friend talked to me on MSN. I would wish that she was next to me talking to me, rather than typing on the keyboard. She was too far away.
She advised me to seek for help, help from a doctor that could prescribe me some Xanax, the drug that suppress depressions. I went over, the doctor recommended me to see a psychiatrist instead. I did. After a couple of sessions, I can say that I can finally think correctly and logically. Suicidal is just not the answer now, and I think it will never be. The psychiatrist did a superb job.
Then, I was required to be in medication. A couple of medication that as far as a recall, gives me the same type of high that I can get when I was on social drug, the marijuana. It makes me a happy person, the happy pills.
The ‘happy pills’ did a very good job to calm me down most of the times. However, the thought of L is still lingering in my mind as if it just had happened. I still could not forget about him. Tears starts falling again.
My intentions was made clear to him, I wanted to see him. To see him more often. It doesn’t really matter if he had ‘downgraded’ me to a ‘friend only’ status, but seeing him was the satisfaction hearsay.
The psychiatrist said that I am suffering from a very mild depression. I have also Separation Anxiety Disorder, and also suicidal. I did not know what that means, until I found them on Wikipedia.