The breakdown, again

I guess one of the hardest thing that people encounter is when your ex boy friend tells you that they have found someone that they have fall in love with.

Many of my friends thinks that I was being foolish by supporting him in his studies, but to me, I think it is worth it as I thought it will give me the time to slowly regain the boy’s confidence.

A friend told me, that in a relationship, we cannot expect the other party to be always forgiving, and can see where is he coming from.

The relationship between me and the boy has been up and down. The most recent argument that we had was because I told him that I do not like items that flashes their logo or brand. Like a tee shirt, with a big NIKE logo at the front. The boy misunderstood me for saying that he is flashy. Why did I say that in the first place? We both agreed that we have different taste when we went shopping the other day at Pavilion. The things that he choose to buy, all bearing big logos at the front. I on the there hand, choose the more subtle designs.

I miss the boy, his hugs, his kisses that he would shower me occasionally. Of recent, he don’t do that anymore. He said he don’t kiss me because I smoke, which I still do because of office stress. I have been cutting down a lot since.

I can see the imperfection that is between us, I get angry at him one time too often, and he in return get angry at me. The story of the father of a daughter that spill the coffee on hi shirt come into a reality to me; it is often how you react to a situation that will be the conclusion at the end of the day. I realized it, a few months too late.

I still think that our relationship deserves it much needed second chance. Perhaps when the boy would be more mature into thinking (not that I think he is all immature all the time) but in the mean time, I too have to be careful of what I do and my actions.

Hoping one day when both of us would look back at our old entries on the blog, we would laugh at ourself on how foolish when we first started the relationship. I say that because I have confidence that I will be able to win back his heart, not by my words, but by my actions and reactions that I will change over the years. I really do not care how many years this will take me, or how many weeks, even months, I will try everything in my might to get back the confidence and the love that the boy once have for me.

To the bastards that are spreading rumors about me to the boy, you did a very good job. I am on the losing end because I had not prepare for the ‘war’. In fact, I wasn’t aware of ‘war’ because I had got nothing against any of you people. What I really want is just a relationship with someone that I love, my second half that I would call a soul mate, a darling, a lover.

Just barely 24 hours ago when I saw L’s MSN messages seems to portray something that I am afraid of. He was in love again, and it can be seen from his MSN messages. I messaged him, after almost 2 weeks of silence, he told me he had found someone else. I broke down in tears, immediately after he said that word that I would not wish the answer to be, the dreaded three letter word.

I needed someone to talk to again, Frankie is asleep, it was too early in the morning. I called A, he too was about to sleep. I had no one to call.

I look at the pictures that I have readily of the boy, more tears coming out from the side of my eyes that I wish that they just vanish into thin air. I look at the teddy bear that I have bought for the boy, and he returned it to me because I wanted something that would smell like him. The bear smell like the boy, I sniff the bear again, the smell was long gone. I grab the bear closer to my nose, trying to draw in more air hoping to have a glimpse of the boy’s smell. I hold the teddy bear so tightly, that I would have suffocate it if it has a life. I weeped again.

I know I could have told the boy that I would refuse to help him if he has got another person that he love. I could have but after thinking hard, I told him that I would not mind if he do that. In reality, I do not want to see that happen, but I cannot be selfish.

I thought I could hold his heart in that 4 years when I pay for his studies, stupid I know, but I was ready for the price. I was willing to pay for the price, in the hope for that little chance.

He choose this path, to find happiness. I know I will only find my version of happiness with him around.

I was looking at this website that has got the boy’s picture. It was something that I had entered him to, and I am very proud of it. I had put in much of my support and effort to make it happen because it would be something that the boy would have wanted. I begged, and begged for my friends to help out, I spent countless hours and sleepless nights doing something that I should not do. Finally, he is in the top 20, something that I have been hoping for for the past 1 month, something that both of us were anticipating.

I wish that I could be there when he receive the grand prize, I can only wish.

To L, I wish you good luck in your new found love, I wish that you both have a happy ending, but I will not stop thinking of you, no matter how much time has passed.

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10 Responses to The breakdown, again

  1. kit September 3, 2008 at 5:10 am #

    it is not easy. i know because i’ve been there. i still feel weird when an ex of mine falls in love and calls me to ask me for advice. hate that, really. but it does happen.

    i suppose the silver lining that we can all take from this is that we’ve made an impact on their lives. that somehow we have contributed to their growth in some ways. you with your support in his studies and me in taking care of my ex for about 3 years.

    people say that we can’t hold on to what we give or expect anything in return. but for me, i believe that knowing that i can give that much, and be hurt and still be there to give some more, shows that we are capable of loving so much more than we thought. and that is enough. it has to be, for us to move on and say good luck.

    hope i’m making sense. great blog by the way. thanks for giving me something to think about.

  2. fable September 3, 2008 at 11:22 am #

    hold on there buddy~ things like this do happen, even if we don’t want it to~ You’ll do just fine.

  3. Iris September 3, 2008 at 12:29 pm #

    Such sad post. I hope you will feel better soon though it seems impossibble at the moment! Anyhow, i hope time will heal you…

  4. clement September 3, 2008 at 1:02 pm #

    no point crying over spilled milk. hope for the best and move on! Love can make every human do things out of their mind and yet humans still keep repeating it. It is what we call life! isnt it true?

    Life is beautiful out there. Treasure yourself better and no point thinking of that person anymore as things wont turn back unless miracles happened. Time will heal your wounds and turn you be a better person. ok?

    No wonder you did not post for the past weeks… was waiting for you to post something and reading it. Enjoying reading your blog as you write it with feelings and emotions…

  5. JoJo September 3, 2008 at 1:42 pm #

    At least he tell u. Mine still hanging thr. I dunno whether we r break up yet. I do wish to get him back. but, if he doesn’t love me anymore, i don’t wish to continue.

  6. AhBong September 3, 2008 at 8:21 pm #

    am so so sorry to hear about that cedric. just stay strong. all the best. hugs You know how to reach me if you needed someone.

  7. Brian C September 3, 2008 at 11:22 pm #

    Jeez now you make it sound like there’s hope for everyone.. @_@

  8. kevin September 4, 2008 at 12:09 am #

    I know exactly how u feel

  9. Cedric Ang September 4, 2008 at 2:02 am #

    kit, i know exactly how you felt, I felt the same way too.

  10. Cedric Ang September 4, 2008 at 2:08 am #

    fable, I am trying

    iris, I am feeling better now

    Clement, this happened just a few days ago. However, the past week was a little up and down because I was really busy with stuffs.

    Jojo, he did not tell me himself, it was a hint that he left on his blog and MSN that make me asked him the question that I do not want to know the answer.

    Bong, you sleep already wor ..

    Brian, I am sure there are hope everywhere, one just need to find them.

    kevin, thanks!

    Thanks guys, I am okay now.