I guess one of the hardest thing that people encounter is when your ex boy friend tells you that they have found someone that they have fall in love with.
Many of my friends thinks that I was being foolish by supporting him in his studies, but to me, I think it is worth it as I thought it will give me the time to slowly regain the boy’s confidence.
A friend told me, that in a relationship, we cannot expect the other party to be always forgiving, and can see where is he coming from.
The relationship between me and the boy has been up and down. The most recent argument that we had was because I told him that I do not like items that flashes their logo or brand. Like a tee shirt, with a big NIKE logo at the front. The boy misunderstood me for saying that he is flashy. Why did I say that in the first place? We both agreed that we have different taste when we went shopping the other day at Pavilion. The things that he choose to buy, all bearing big logos at the front. I on the there hand, choose the more subtle designs.
I miss the boy, his hugs, his kisses that he would shower me occasionally. Of recent, he don’t do that anymore. He said he don’t kiss me because I smoke, which I still do because of office stress. I have been cutting down a lot since.
I can see the imperfection that is between us, I get angry at him one time too often, and he in return get angry at me. The story of the father of a daughter that spill the coffee on hi shirt come into a reality to me; it is often how you react to a situation that will be the conclusion at the end of the day. I realized it, a few months too late.
I still think that our relationship deserves it much needed second chance. Perhaps when the boy would be more mature into thinking (not that I think he is all immature all the time) but in the mean time, I too have to be careful of what I do and my actions.
Hoping one day when both of us would look back at our old entries on the blog, we would laugh at ourself on how foolish when we first started the relationship. I say that because I have confidence that I will be able to win back his heart, not by my words, but by my actions and reactions that I will change over the years. I really do not care how many years this will take me, or how many weeks, even months, I will try everything in my might to get back the confidence and the love that the boy once have for me.
To the bastards that are spreading rumors about me to the boy, you did a very good job. I am on the losing end because I had not prepare for the ‘war’. In fact, I wasn’t aware of ‘war’ because I had got nothing against any of you people. What I really want is just a relationship with someone that I love, my second half that I would call a soul mate, a darling, a lover.
Just barely 24 hours ago when I saw L’s MSN messages seems to portray something that I am afraid of. He was in love again, and it can be seen from his MSN messages. I messaged him, after almost 2 weeks of silence, he told me he had found someone else. I broke down in tears, immediately after he said that word that I would not wish the answer to be, the dreaded three letter word.
I needed someone to talk to again, Frankie is asleep, it was too early in the morning. I called A, he too was about to sleep. I had no one to call.
I look at the pictures that I have readily of the boy, more tears coming out from the side of my eyes that I wish that they just vanish into thin air. I look at the teddy bear that I have bought for the boy, and he returned it to me because I wanted something that would smell like him. The bear smell like the boy, I sniff the bear again, the smell was long gone. I grab the bear closer to my nose, trying to draw in more air hoping to have a glimpse of the boy’s smell. I hold the teddy bear so tightly, that I would have suffocate it if it has a life. I weeped again.
I know I could have told the boy that I would refuse to help him if he has got another person that he love. I could have but after thinking hard, I told him that I would not mind if he do that. In reality, I do not want to see that happen, but I cannot be selfish.
I thought I could hold his heart in that 4 years when I pay for his studies, stupid I know, but I was ready for the price. I was willing to pay for the price, in the hope for that little chance.
He choose this path, to find happiness. I know I will only find my version of happiness with him around.
I was looking at this website that has got the boy’s picture. It was something that I had entered him to, and I am very proud of it. I had put in much of my support and effort to make it happen because it would be something that the boy would have wanted. I begged, and begged for my friends to help out, I spent countless hours and sleepless nights doing something that I should not do. Finally, he is in the top 20, something that I have been hoping for for the past 1 month, something that both of us were anticipating.
I wish that I could be there when he receive the grand prize, I can only wish.
To L, I wish you good luck in your new found love, I wish that you both have a happy ending, but I will not stop thinking of you, no matter how much time has passed.