The breakdown, again

I guess one of the hard­est thing that peo­ple encounter is when your ex boy friend tells you that they have found some­one that they have fall in love with.

Many of my friends thinks that I was being fool­ish by sup­port­ing him in his stud­ies, but to me, I think it is worth it as I thought it will give me the time to slow­ly regain the boy’s con­fi­dence.

A friend told me, that in a rela­tion­ship, we can­not expect the oth­er par­ty to be always for­giv­ing, and can see where is he com­ing from.

The rela­tion­ship between me and the boy has been up and down. The most recent argu­ment that we had was because I told him that I do not like items that flash­es their logo or brand. Like a tee shirt, with a big NIKE logo at the front. The boy mis­un­der­stood me for say­ing that he is flashy. Why did I say that in the first place? We both agreed that we have dif­fer­ent taste when we went shop­ping the oth­er day at Pavil­ion. The things that he choose to buy, all bear­ing big logos at the front. I on the there hand, choose the more sub­tle designs.

I miss the boy, his hugs, his kiss­es that he would show­er me occa­sion­al­ly. Of recent, he don’t do that any­more. He said he don’t kiss me because I smoke, which I still do because of office stress. I have been cut­ting down a lot since.

I can see the imper­fec­tion that is between us, I get angry at him one time too often, and he in return get angry at me. The sto­ry of the father of a daugh­ter that spill the cof­fee on hi shirt come into a real­i­ty to me; it is often how you react to a sit­u­a­tion that will be the con­clu­sion at the end of the day. I real­ized it, a few months too late.

I still think that our rela­tion­ship deserves it much need­ed sec­ond chance. Per­haps when the boy would be more mature into think­ing (not that I think he is all imma­ture all the time) but in the mean time, I too have to be care­ful of what I do and my actions.

Hop­ing one day when both of us would look back at our old entries on the blog, we would laugh at our­self on how fool­ish when we first start­ed the rela­tion­ship. I say that because I have con­fi­dence that I will be able to win back his heart, not by my words, but by my actions and reac­tions that I will change over the years. I real­ly do not care how many years this will take me, or how many weeks, even months, I will try every­thing in my might to get back the con­fi­dence and the love that the boy once have for me.

To the bas­tards that are spread­ing rumors about me to the boy, you did a very good job. I am on the los­ing end because I had not pre­pare for the ‘war’. In fact, I wasn’t aware of ‘war’ because I had got noth­ing against any of you peo­ple. What I real­ly want is just a rela­tion­ship with some­one that I love, my sec­ond half that I would call a soul mate, a dar­ling, a lover.

Just bare­ly 24 hours ago when I saw L’s MSN mes­sages seems to por­tray some­thing that I am afraid of. He was in love again, and it can be seen from his MSN mes­sages. I mes­saged him, after almost 2 weeks of silence, he told me he had found some­one else. I broke down in tears, imme­di­ate­ly after he said that word that I would not wish the answer to be, the dread­ed three let­ter word.

I need­ed some­one to talk to again, Frankie is asleep, it was too ear­ly in the morn­ing. I called A, he too was about to sleep. I had no one to call.

I look at the pic­tures that I have read­i­ly of the boy, more tears com­ing out from the side of my eyes that I wish that they just van­ish into thin air. I look at the ted­dy bear that I have bought for the boy, and he returned it to me because I want­ed some­thing that would smell like him. The bear smell like the boy, I sniff the bear again, the smell was long gone. I grab the bear clos­er to my nose, try­ing to draw in more air hop­ing to have a glimpse of the boy’s smell. I hold the ted­dy bear so tight­ly, that I would have suf­fo­cate it if it has a life. I weeped again.

I know I could have told the boy that I would refuse to help him if he has got anoth­er per­son that he love. I could have but after think­ing hard, I told him that I would not mind if he do that. In real­i­ty, I do not want to see that hap­pen, but I can­not be self­ish.

I thought I could hold his heart in that 4 years when I pay for his stud­ies, stu­pid I know, but I was ready for the price. I was will­ing to pay for the price, in the hope for that lit­tle chance.

He choose this path, to find hap­pi­ness. I know I will only find my ver­sion of hap­pi­ness with him around.

I was look­ing at this web­site that has got the boy’s pic­ture. It was some­thing that I had entered him to, and I am very proud of it. I had put in much of my sup­port and effort to make it hap­pen because it would be some­thing that the boy would have want­ed. I begged, and begged for my friends to help out, I spent count­less hours and sleep­less nights doing some­thing that I should not do. Final­ly, he is in the top 20, some­thing that I have been hop­ing for for the past 1 month, some­thing that both of us were antic­i­pat­ing.

I wish that I could be there when he receive the grand prize, I can only wish.

To L, I wish you good luck in your new found love, I wish that you both have a hap­py end­ing, but I will not stop think­ing of you, no mat­ter how much time has passed.

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10 Responses to The breakdown, again

  1. kit September 3, 2008 at 5:10 am #

    it is not easy. i know because i’ve been there. i still feel weird when an ex of mine falls in love and calls me to ask me for advice. hate that, real­ly. but it does hap­pen.

    i sup­pose the sil­ver lin­ing that we can all take from this is that we’ve made an impact on their lives. that some­how we have con­tributed to their growth in some ways. you with your sup­port in his stud­ies and me in tak­ing care of my ex for about 3 years.

    peo­ple say that we can’t hold on to what we give or expect any­thing in return. but for me, i believe that know­ing that i can give that much, and be hurt and still be there to give some more, shows that we are capa­ble of lov­ing so much more than we thought. and that is enough. it has to be, for us to move on and say good luck.

    hope i’m mak­ing sense. great blog by the way. thanks for giv­ing me some­thing to think about.

  2. fable September 3, 2008 at 11:22 am #

    hold on there bud­dy~ things like this do hap­pen, even if we don’t want it to~ You’ll do just fine.

  3. Iris September 3, 2008 at 12:29 pm #

    Such sad post. I hope you will feel bet­ter soon though it seems impos­sib­ble at the moment! Any­how, i hope time will heal you…

  4. clement September 3, 2008 at 1:02 pm #

    no point cry­ing over spilled milk. hope for the best and move on! Love can make every human do things out of their mind and yet humans still keep repeat­ing it. It is what we call life! isnt it true?

    Life is beau­ti­ful out there. Trea­sure your­self bet­ter and no point think­ing of that per­son any­more as things wont turn back unless mir­a­cles hap­pened. Time will heal your wounds and turn you be a bet­ter per­son. ok?

    No won­der you did not post for the past weeks… was wait­ing for you to post some­thing and read­ing it. Enjoy­ing read­ing your blog as you write it with feel­ings and emo­tions…

  5. JoJo September 3, 2008 at 1:42 pm #

    At least he tell u. Mine still hang­ing thr. I dun­no whether we r break up yet. I do wish to get him back. but, if he doesn’t love me any­more, i don’t wish to con­tin­ue.

  6. AhBong September 3, 2008 at 8:21 pm #

    am so so sor­ry to hear about that cedric. just stay strong. all the best. hugs You know how to reach me if you need­ed some­one.

  7. Brian C September 3, 2008 at 11:22 pm #

    Jeez now you make it sound like there’s hope for every­one.. @[email protected]

  8. kevin September 4, 2008 at 12:09 am #

    I know exact­ly how u feel

  9. Cedric Ang September 4, 2008 at 2:02 am #

    kit, i know exact­ly how you felt, I felt the same way too.

  10. Cedric Ang September 4, 2008 at 2:08 am #

    fable, I am try­ing

    iris, I am feel­ing bet­ter now

    Clement, this hap­pened just a few days ago. How­ev­er, the past week was a lit­tle up and down because I was real­ly busy with stuffs.

    Jojo, he did not tell me him­self, it was a hint that he left on his blog and MSN that make me asked him the ques­tion that I do not want to know the answer.

    Bong, you sleep already wor ..

    Bri­an, I am sure there are hope every­where, one just need to find them.

    kevin, thanks!

    Thanks guys, I am okay now.