Suddenly, Sex is not all important

In a heist, I pen down my entry about my boy friend after he sent me a mes­sage that he wants to take a break from the rela­tion­ship, a per­son­al time for him­self.

A few peo­ple had sent me email about it, and I thank you guys for the con­cerns, I real­ly do. I think my post could have been mis­un­der­stood, or mak­ing some peo­ple con­fused and thus ask­ing me ques­tions; ques­tions is some­thing I do not need now, what I need is some time to myself, and to think about the reper­cus­sions of the things that I have done.

This post would, hope­ful­ly explain all.


A real­ly good ques­tion was pre­sent­ed to me, “What is a rela­tion­ship to you?”

To me, a rela­tion­ship means that a per­son is part of you. I take L as a per­son that is part of me. What I do or wher­ev­er I go, I want L to be with me. He is like my limbs and soul togeth­er; with­out one, the oth­er would not work.

I have not been in and out of many rela­tion­ships, at least I don’t think I had. My longest rela­tion­ship with some­one was almost 2 years. It end­ed up real­ly bad­ly. I found out that he was see­ing anoth­er per­son. Furi­ous, I checked up the oth­er per­son, and I got him out. Since he loved to be fucked, I abused him that night. The last I heard from him was, he almost could not walk straight.

I still kept in con­tact with K, I brought K out one day to my house. I want­ed to hurt him bad­ly, and I did. I guess that was the last time he is going to be a bot­tom, at least for a very long time.

Then came A, A is a nice sweet boy. I nev­er had the heart to hurt him, but I seem to show that I cared him a lot, a lit­tle too much. Defen­sive move kicked in, we broke up on the con­text that I was too sticky.

When it comes to L, all these angst and dis­ap­point­ment nev­er exist. I had my very much afraid trust on him. I know he would not be cheat­ing on me not because he said so, is because of my gut feel­ings. I wasn’t sure about the rela­tion­ship when we first start­ed; I still flirt around, look­ing and see­ing oth­er boys’ pic­tures. I do throw com­ments to L how pret­ty some­one looked when we were out, I can see that L is annoyed. It con­tin­ued for a while, until I real­ized that I was in this rela­tion­ship for good.

It did not take me a long time to get used to sin­gle hood when I lost K, not because I did not love him as much as I do to A and L, but the amount of angst and hatred over­ride the love.

I still could not get rid of the idea that L would leave me one day for anoth­er per­son. He lives in a clos­et, a clos­et that he is very much com­fort­able. The moment he step half of his foot out of the clos­et, he quick­ly take it back for the fear in the homo­pho­bic world.

As for me, I had been out of the clos­et since the ancient times. Whether if it was of embrac­ing the stones of hatred of the homo­pho­bic world, or embrac­ing the stabs from the same queer peo­ple that I have fucked with, I have got used to it.

We seems to be liv­ing in dif­fer­ent world set apart by our minds and think­ing; Sur­re­al of the sur­round­ings L seems to be very para­noid of.


My mind went blank again, main­ly because of how I have treat­ed the rela­tion­ship. I am guilty for try­ing to involve L in the things that I had done. I thought it would be okay for him to be out togeth­er with my friends. My friends had noticed my dis­ap­pear­ance. I mean why not? I would spent hours and hours after work with L. Whether it was for a movie (or two) for a drink or what not, we would spend our night togeth­er until the wee hours in the morn­ing.

Sat­ur­days or Sun­days are of no excep­tions. We would be walk­ing around shop­ping malls and buy­ing stuffs. Explor­ing every inch of what the shop had got to offer. Sit­ting by the cor­ner of Bor­ders read­ing books had been a habit too.

On those nights that we are not out togeth­er, I would be spend­ing my night in my room. Either being lazy on the bed and slow­ly drift into my dreams, or sit­ting on the floor com­fort­ably in think­ing mode. I would not want to go out and spend time with my friends any­more, not after hav­ing 4 or 5 hours of sleep dai­ly.

All these comes with the ter­ri­to­ry. Once I have stepped in to this rela­tion­ship, it is either I lose him or I lose my friends. I under­stand that my friends and L should not be mixed togeth­er, it nev­er occurred to me until the day when L walked away from me, that he is being utter­ly uncom­fort­able with the whole set up. It came a moment too late.

The pre­vi­ous night, I real­ly want­ed to see L, real­ly want­ed to be with him, to hug him, to kiss him. It was late, not too late in our books, but he was tired. I jok­ing­ly said that I would find a duck instead (duck is a local slang for gigo­lo). I had used that trick many times, and he knows what I meant too. Duck is also how I describe my pil­low. It was filled with duck feath­ers mak­ing it smell like duck.

He did warned me about sleep­ing out­side. He wasn’t jok­ing about that and I know it. He is very pro­tec­tive over his assets. Being me, I think he can’t get the secu­ri­ty that oth­er guys might be able to give him. I like sex, I am always on the high side. The lit­tle broth­er there seems to have a mind of his own. Hav­ing the thought of me sleep­ing around just does not make L sleeps more sound­ly. He is wor­ried that I might get drift­ed away.

The roman­tic side of me nev­er sur­face, at least I thought it did not. L remind­ed me some­thing that I have said to him before, “I am not a roman­tic per­son”. To me, din­ing in dim lights do not make any­thing seems roman­tic at all. I don’t even know what is the true mean­ing of roman­tic, and think­ing of to be one is out of the ques­tion.

He said the SMS that I have sent him was real­ly roman­tic. I could not recall which, I scroll back my sent fold­er, and I find noth­ing roman­tic at all. Which mes­sage was it, was it “You mak­ing me hot. Feels like but­ter­flies inside me. Hug­ging you calms me down.” Not quite. Maybe it was “Cause you make me hot. Think­ing of you makes me gaga. You make me crazy about you.” I am con­fused.

I tried again the oth­er night, thought it might be ‘roman­tic’ to tell him how much I missed him. Only that I have used a bad exam­ple, the duck.

Sex was freely avail­able between us. L refused to call it sex, or hav­ing sex. He would call it mak­ing love. Which I strong­ly agree. We are not only hav­ing sex, we were mak­ing love. Explor­ing each other’s body, kiss­ing each other’s sen­si­tive zones putting each oth­er in sen­su­al ecsta­sy.

Our love mak­ing ses­sions often last for a few hours, that explains how we man­age to drag our time till the wee morn­ing. It would not have a toll on me if I send him back home in the morn­ing on the way to work. How­ev­er, L could not sleep on my bed. Unless he is real­ly real­ly tired. Even that, a slight squeak on the door would wake him up. I had to send him home, or else he would be turn­ing and turn­ing all night long. No point forc­ing him to stay, or put him in front of the com­put­er the whole night. I just had to send him back.

I remem­bered a cou­ple of times when I was least com­fort­able bring­ing L back home, we overnight in a bud­get hotel. Our love mak­ing ses­sions con­tin­ued till the morn­ing. It wasn’t just pure thrust­ing and pen­e­tra­tion. Kiss­ing and cud­dling was the main dish. We enjoyed the close­ness of each oth­er. Touch­ing each oth­er and the most impor­tant­ly, the per­son that we loved and cared the most.


Read­ing the past SMS that L had sent to me on the very day he asked for a break sends tears down my cheek. At the begin­ning of this post, I thought I can brave the wave and write down my heart feel­ings with less emo­tion, I was wrong.

I remem­bered my first date with a clos­et gay guy. We nev­er stepped out of my house when we date. I don’t know but I think it was sex all the way. There were no hold­ing hands, there were no shop­ping or movies togeth­er.

With K, it was sex that dri­ves the rela­tion­ship. Every time I buy some­thing for him, he in return would make me hap­py by giv­ing sex.

A on the oth­er hand, was a lit­tle dif­fer­ent. Due to bad mem­o­ries, sex was out of the ques­tion. A few days before A decid­ed to leave me, the unimag­in­able thing hap­pened. We had sex. Was it because I kept on ask­ing all the time, or was it he final­ly gave up and give in. I would not know.

The unbal­anced hor­mones kicked in again this morn­ing. All I could think of was to hug L, to kiss him more than ever. Sud­den­ly, sex is not impor­tant at all.

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2 Responses to Suddenly, Sex is not all important

  1. famezgay January 27, 2008 at 2:00 am #

    well one thing is.. u real­ly love him…

    Hugs..

  2. Mr Rainbow Man January 31, 2008 at 10:35 pm #

    I think sex is NOT every­thing in a rela­tion­ship. I will pre­fer com­pan­ion­ship and know­ing some­one is out there to love you. And also, for you to love the oth­er per­son uncon­di­tion­al­ly. Hope all is well with you. Take care