In a heist, I pen down my entry about my boy friend after he sent me a message that he wants to take a break from the relationship, a personal time for himself.
A few people had sent me email about it, and I thank you guys for the concerns, I really do. I think my post could have been misunderstood, or making some people confused and thus asking me questions; questions is something I do not need now, what I need is some time to myself, and to think about the repercussions of the things that I have done.
This post would, hopefully explain all.
A really good question was presented to me, “What is a relationship to you?”
To me, a relationship means that a person is part of you. I take L as a person that is part of me. What I do or wherever I go, I want L to be with me. He is like my limbs and soul together; without one, the other would not work.
I have not been in and out of many relationships, at least I don’t think I had. My longest relationship with someone was almost 2 years. It ended up really badly. I found out that he was seeing another person. Furious, I checked up the other person, and I got him out. Since he loved to be fucked, I abused him that night. The last I heard from him was, he almost could not walk straight.
I still kept in contact with K, I brought K out one day to my house. I wanted to hurt him badly, and I did. I guess that was the last time he is going to be a *bottom*, at least for a very long time.
Then came A, A is a nice sweet boy. I never had the heart to hurt him, but I seem to show that I cared him a lot, a little too much. Defensive move kicked in, we broke up on the context that I was too *sticky*.
When it comes to L, all these angst and disappointment never exist. I had my very much afraid trust on him. I know he would not be cheating on me not because he said so, is because of my gut feelings. I wasn’t sure about the relationship when we first started; I still flirt around, looking and seeing other boys’ pictures. I do throw comments to L how pretty someone looked when we were out, I can see that L is annoyed. It continued for a while, until I realized that I was in this relationship for good.
It did not take me a long time to get used to single hood when I lost K, not because I did not love him as much as I do to A and L, but the amount of angst and hatred override the love.
I still could not get rid of the idea that L would leave me one day for another person. He lives in a closet, a closet that he is very much comfortable. The moment he step half of his foot out of the closet, he quickly take it back for the fear in the homophobic world.
As for me, I had been out of the closet since the ancient times. Whether if it was of embracing the stones of hatred of the homophobic world, or embracing the stabs from the same queer people that I have *fucked* with, I have got used to it.
We seems to be living in different world set apart by our minds and thinking; Surreal of the surroundings L seems to be very paranoid of.
My mind went blank again, mainly because of how I have treated the relationship. I am guilty for trying to involve L in the things that I had done. I thought it would be okay for him to be out together with my friends. My friends had noticed my disappearance. I mean why not? I would spent hours and hours after work with L. Whether it was for a movie (or two) for a drink or what not, we would spend our night together until the wee hours in the morning.
Saturdays or Sundays are of no exceptions. We would be walking around shopping malls and buying stuffs. Exploring every inch of what the shop had got to offer. Sitting by the corner of Borders reading books had been a habit too.
On those nights that we are not out together, I would be spending my night in my room. Either being lazy on the bed and slowly drift into my dreams, or sitting on the floor comfortably in thinking mode. I would not want to go out and spend time with my friends anymore, not after having 4 or 5 hours of sleep daily.
All these comes with the territory. Once I have stepped in to this relationship, it is either I lose him or I lose my friends. I understand that my friends and L should not be mixed together, it never occurred to me until the day when L walked away from me, that he is being utterly uncomfortable with the whole set up. It came a moment too late.
The previous night, I really wanted to see L, really wanted to be with him, to hug him, to kiss him. It was late, not too late in our books, but he was tired. I jokingly said that I would find a duck instead (duck is a local slang for gigolo). I had used that trick many times, and he knows what I meant too. Duck is also how I describe my pillow. It was filled with duck feathers making it smell like duck.
He did warned me about sleeping outside. He wasn’t joking about that and I know it. He is very protective over his *assets*. Being me, I think he can’t get the security that other guys might be able to give him. I like sex, I am always on the high side. The little brother there seems to have a mind of his own. Having the thought of me sleeping around just does not make L sleeps more soundly. He is worried that I might get drifted away.
The romantic side of me never surface, at least I thought it did not. L reminded me something that I have said to him before, “I am not a romantic person”. To me, dining in dim lights do not make anything seems romantic at all. I don’t even know what is the true meaning of romantic, and thinking of to be one is out of the question.
He said the SMS that I have sent him was really romantic. I could not recall which, I scroll back my sent folder, and I find nothing romantic at all. Which message was it, was it “You making me hot. Feels like butterflies inside me. Hugging you calms me down.” Not quite. Maybe it was “Cause you make me hot. Thinking of you makes me gaga. You make me crazy about you.” I am confused.
I tried again the other night, thought it might be ‘romantic’ to tell him how much I missed him. Only that I have used a bad example, the duck.
Sex was freely available between us. L refused to call it sex, or having sex. He would call it making love. Which I strongly agree. We are not only having sex, we were making love. Exploring each other’s body, kissing each other’s sensitive zones putting each other in sensual ecstasy.
Our love making sessions often last for a few hours, that explains how we manage to drag our time till the wee morning. It would not have a toll on me if I send him back home in the morning on the way to work. However, L could not sleep on my bed. Unless he is really really tired. Even that, a slight squeak on the door would wake him up. I had to send him home, or else he would be turning and turning all night long. No point forcing him to stay, or put him in front of the computer the whole night. I just had to send him back.
I remembered a couple of times when I was least comfortable bringing L back home, we overnight in a budget hotel. Our love making sessions continued till the morning. It wasn’t just pure thrusting and penetration. Kissing and cuddling was the main dish. We enjoyed the closeness of each other. Touching each other and the most importantly, the person that we loved and cared the most.
Reading the past SMS that L had sent to me on the very day he asked for a break sends tears down my cheek. At the beginning of this post, I thought I can brave the wave and write down my heart feelings with less emotion, I was wrong.
I remembered my first date with a closet gay guy. We never stepped out of my house when we date. I don’t know but I think it was sex all the way. There were no holding hands, there were no shopping or movies together.
With K, it was sex that drives the relationship. Every time I buy something for him, he in return would make me happy by giving sex.
A on the other hand, was a little different. Due to bad memories, sex was out of the question. A few days before A decided to leave me, the unimaginable thing happened. We had sex. Was it because I kept on asking all the time, or was it he finally gave up and give in. I would not know.
The unbalanced hormones kicked in again this morning. All I could think of was to hug L, to kiss him more than ever. Suddenly, sex is not important at all.