Sleeplessness, worried and anxious

I can’t sleep, and I wish I can.

It all started earlier today when I message a couple of people in my address book. Just saying hi kind of thing so that people do not forget my existence.

One of them came back, it started off with a casual chat. How has he been doing, how was everything and stuffs.

Then it strikes me.

He told me that he went for a HIV test beginning of the year, and found out to be HIV positive.

Flashes of moment when I had my cock inside him, all raw and without protection run through my mind. I was scared, I tried to dig it out more from him, to find out whether it was me, or someone after me that gave him the death sentence.

I know, I am selfish, and I did that because I am scared, paranoid and generally freaked the daylight out of me.

This guy is someone that I had sex with almost 2 years ago. He was this someone from my neighborhood. He was young at that time, and he wanted to try having sex with someone. That someone appears to be me.

We fucked 3 times. Each without the latex, and each time I have ejaculated into him by request; because he liked the feeling of the squirts inside him.

I thought it would be alright, since it was his first time. I was his first partner that have penetrated him. From the books, everything seems to be fine.

Everything else seems to be unimportant for that few minutes. It wasn’t about me anymore. From that moment, L is what I have in mind. What if I also infected him, should I tell him about the messages that I have got? Should I …

I needed to call someone, I needed to talk to someone to calm down. There was no one else that I can call from my phone book.

Driving home embracing the evening traffic. The thought of me being HIV positive keeps on racing through my braincells. I arrived home still feeling moody and inattentive. Lying down on the bed trying to rest my already exhausted body. I slowly drifted to a light sleep.

It wasn’t enough, because I woke up just slightly after midnight. If it wasn’t because of fatigue, I might not even be sleeping at all.

I recall the moment where I went for a blood donation. In fact, I was happy with it because till date I still had not receive any calls saying that my blood was contaminated with the HIV virus. Well, then I thought, maybe they just throw it away because it was contaminated while cursing at the blood donor for being a fagot.

I have been talking about the HIV test ages ago, I know. I always wanted to go test myself, but till date I have not done any. It wasn’t the test that I was worried about. It was the result. I do not think I can accept the answer if I were to be HIV positive. No one would, I think.

My next worry would be L. I could not care less about myself, but I want L to be okay. I tried calling him for a couple of times, wanting to talk face to face with him. Then I remembered his phone was dead, it went into a coma a couple of days earlier.

Maybe I wasn’t the one that is infected. Maybe it was someone else that had infected him, way after I had first penetrated him. Well, he thinks so too.

Perhaps I need to get my acts together, go for the HIV test and embrace the truth. I still need to somehow tell L, though. Perhaps I should only tell L after my test results came back. I guess this is a better way, than to make the already anxious L worried another thing.

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8 Responses to Sleeplessness, worried and anxious

  1. famezgay February 27, 2008 at 10:16 am #

    GO test now… u can have anonymous testing in PT 🙂

  2. famezgay February 27, 2008 at 10:43 pm #

    but u have to be prepared… cause if u test in Pathlab, once you’re positive, they will inform your family members. That is why ppl go for anonymous testing. Don’t worry for the free stuff.. Cause it is done by a certified doctor in the center.

    Just call 03-40444611 to make an appointment.. 🙂 It is safe and fast!

  3. Queer Ranter February 27, 2008 at 8:52 am #

    Perhaps you should get your blood tested. Just to know your status.

    There’s the free anonymous testing in Pink Triangle.

  4. Eugene February 27, 2008 at 11:11 am #

    Please get yourself tested so you can be at peace with yourself. Whatever has happened, has happened. Remember to wear protection from now on.

    If you need someone to talk, I’m here for you.

  5. Cedric Ang February 27, 2008 at 12:08 pm #

    Thanks guys, will try to go for a blood test ASAP for the peace of mind.

    However, I don’t really trust free stuffs. Maybe I will go to Pathlab to get a proper testing.

  6. Eugene February 27, 2008 at 7:53 pm #

    You can get tested in any clinic.

    If you fear the doctor asking, just do a general blood test that check your general health condition (the hiv test is included).

    Since you are testing, might as well get tested for everything. Only problem, they need to take 3 test tubes of blood!! 🙁

  7. Cedric Ang February 28, 2008 at 2:47 pm #

    Thanks guys for the support, I really really appreciate it.

  8. Jimmy February 29, 2008 at 1:25 am #

    I think you are right about getting yourself tested. but it is also probably wise to think this through thoroughly first ie. talk to someone about the possibility of being tested positive etc. You have said it yourself, it’s not the test that you fear but the potentially positive result that awaits you.

    good luck and all the best.

    regards clhs alumni