Sleeplessness, worried and anxious

I can’t sleep, and I wish I can.

It all start­ed ear­li­er today when I mes­sage a cou­ple of peo­ple in my address book. Just say­ing hi kind of thing so that peo­ple do not for­get my exis­tence.

One of them came back, it start­ed off with a casu­al chat. How has he been doing, how was every­thing and stuffs.

Then it strikes me.

He told me that he went for a HIV test begin­ning of the year, and found out to be HIV pos­i­tive.

Flash­es of moment when I had my cock inside him, all raw and with­out pro­tec­tion run through my mind. I was scared, I tried to dig it out more from him, to find out whether it was me, or some­one after me that gave him the death sen­tence.

I know, I am self­ish, and I did that because I am scared, para­noid and gen­er­al­ly freaked the day­light out of me.

This guy is some­one that I had sex with almost 2 years ago. He was this some­one from my neigh­bor­hood. He was young at that time, and he want­ed to try hav­ing sex with some­one. That some­one appears to be me.

We fucked 3 times. Each with­out the latex, and each time I have ejac­u­lat­ed into him by request; because he liked the feel­ing of the squirts inside him.

I thought it would be alright, since it was his first time. I was his first part­ner that have pen­e­trat­ed him. From the books, every­thing seems to be fine.

Every­thing else seems to be unim­por­tant for that few min­utes. It wasn’t about me any­more. From that moment, L is what I have in mind. What if I also infect­ed him, should I tell him about the mes­sages that I have got? Should I …

I need­ed to call some­one, I need­ed to talk to some­one to calm down. There was no one else that I can call from my phone book.

Dri­ving home embrac­ing the evening traf­fic. The thought of me being HIV pos­i­tive keeps on rac­ing through my brain­cells. I arrived home still feel­ing moody and inat­ten­tive. Lying down on the bed try­ing to rest my already exhaust­ed body. I slow­ly drift­ed to a light sleep.

It wasn’t enough, because I woke up just slight­ly after mid­night. If it wasn’t because of fatigue, I might not even be sleep­ing at all.

I recall the moment where I went for a blood dona­tion. In fact, I was hap­py with it because till date I still had not receive any calls say­ing that my blood was con­t­a­m­i­nat­ed with the HIV virus. Well, then I thought, maybe they just throw it away because it was con­t­a­m­i­nat­ed while curs­ing at the blood donor for being a fagot.

I have been talk­ing about the HIV test ages ago, I know. I always want­ed to go test myself, but till date I have not done any. It wasn’t the test that I was wor­ried about. It was the result. I do not think I can accept the answer if I were to be HIV pos­i­tive. No one would, I think.

My next wor­ry would be L. I could not care less about myself, but I want L to be okay. I tried call­ing him for a cou­ple of times, want­i­ng to talk face to face with him. Then I remem­bered his phone was dead, it went into a coma a cou­ple of days ear­li­er.

Maybe I wasn’t the one that is infect­ed. Maybe it was some­one else that had infect­ed him, way after I had first pen­e­trat­ed him. Well, he thinks so too.

Per­haps I need to get my acts togeth­er, go for the HIV test and embrace the truth. I still need to some­how tell L, though. Per­haps I should only tell L after my test results came back. I guess this is a bet­ter way, than to make the already anx­ious L wor­ried anoth­er thing.

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8 Responses to Sleeplessness, worried and anxious

  1. famezgay February 27, 2008 at 10:16 am #

    GO test now… u can have anony­mous test­ing in PT 🙂

  2. famezgay February 27, 2008 at 10:43 pm #

    but u have to be pre­pared… cause if u test in Path­lab, once you’re pos­i­tive, they will inform your fam­i­ly mem­bers. That is why ppl go for anony­mous test­ing. Don’t wor­ry for the free stuff.. Cause it is done by a cer­ti­fied doc­tor in the cen­ter.

    Just call 03–40444611 to make an appoint­ment.. 🙂 It is safe and fast!

  3. Queer Ranter February 27, 2008 at 8:52 am #

    Per­haps you should get your blood test­ed. Just to know your sta­tus.

    There’s the free anony­mous test­ing in Pink Tri­an­gle.

  4. Eugene February 27, 2008 at 11:11 am #

    Please get your­self test­ed so you can be at peace with your­self. What­ev­er has hap­pened, has hap­pened. Remem­ber to wear pro­tec­tion from now on.

    If you need some­one to talk, I’m here for you.

  5. Cedric Ang February 27, 2008 at 12:08 pm #

    Thanks guys, will try to go for a blood test ASAP for the peace of mind.

    How­ev­er, I don’t real­ly trust free stuffs. Maybe I will go to Path­lab to get a prop­er test­ing.

  6. Eugene February 27, 2008 at 7:53 pm #

    You can get test­ed in any clin­ic.

    If you fear the doc­tor ask­ing, just do a gen­er­al blood test that check your gen­er­al health con­di­tion (the hiv test is includ­ed).

    Since you are test­ing, might as well get test­ed for every­thing. Only prob­lem, they need to take 3 test tubes of blood!! 🙁

  7. Cedric Ang February 28, 2008 at 2:47 pm #

    Thanks guys for the sup­port, I real­ly real­ly appre­ci­ate it.

  8. Jimmy February 29, 2008 at 1:25 am #

    I think you are right about get­ting your­self test­ed. but it is also prob­a­bly wise to think this through thor­ough­ly first ie. talk to some­one about the pos­si­bil­i­ty of being test­ed pos­i­tive etc. You have said it your­self, it’s not the test that you fear but the poten­tial­ly pos­i­tive result that awaits you.

    good luck and all the best.

    regards clhs alum­ni