I remembered my first crush when I was working.
It was just a normal company, Chinese owned. Business is as usual and I am there just minding my own work. Then this Malay boy came in for interview. He looked a little like a friend of mine that I know. A week later, he was hired.
This Malay boy is actually mixed race, which makes him more interesting. He has got that nice accent of his, but I think he was faking it, or tried to fake it. It doesn’t matter, but the way he say things seriously melts my heart.
We are in the different department. I am just some nobody data entry working my part time during college holidays. So every time I will make excuse to make some coffee, because then I will be able to see that cute young face. Once a while he would smile at me, and one fine day, we finally spoken.
Being the shy me, it is very unusual for me to speak to strangers, especially if that particular stranger is something I had my crush on. From the hi and bye, it turned into longer chats. “How is work”, “what work do you do”, “how many brothers do you have”, “do you have a girl friend” became part of the chat. I remembered the time when I asked him about his girl friend, he give me that cheeky kinda look, as if he was hinting to me that he is not the kind of person that I might think he is.
We exchanged MSN after that. Yes, even in the same company, I do not have his MSN. Now my coffee breaks are virtually cut short, since we are already chatting on MSN. I then found out that he is actually bisexual, and have just broke up with his boy friend. Not that he love his boy friend that much, but he is looking into options to look for another one that he can share his feelings to.
There is this one day when I went out for lunch, and we bump into each other at the stairs. He was having his smoke break.
I gave him a smile and walked down the stairs to go for lunch. He called out my name.
“Cedric, can I ask you something?”
I walked back up, standing in front of him now, waiting for the question that he want to ask me. He think for a while, and asked me.
“Do you have a boy friend, Cedric?”
“No, can’t find. Why ask?”
“Well, you know. I am looking for someone that I can share my feelings with, someone that has got the same feelings for me. You have a crush on me right?”
For all the while that I was trying to hide my feelings towards him. For everything that I have been trying to do, suddenly my bubble just burst like that.
“No, sorry man I got to go for lunch. Lotsa things to continue.”
Yes, I freaked out. I freaked out in front of him. I left him standing right there and then at the stairs. He was dumb fucked. I could hear how his heart were screaming at himself for being so stupid asking me that question. I can hear how his heart shattered because of what I said.