My mind is almost blank, but yet there is this feeling inside me that makes me want to shout out to the world that I have a lot on my mind, and yet still empty.
Yes, maybe I do not know how to put things in words. Maybe I am just confused of the certain feelings that I have right now, maybe it was just nothing.
His voice still echoes deep inside. I could still hear him saying things to me. Was it just my imagination, or just merely because I missed him so much?
It has been almost a year that we both break up officially. It was also the time where the boy had hitched a ride and went home with someone. It was the time when I heard news about the boy not going back home, and I cried and cried because I had missed him so damn much.
I do not know why, but my feelings in such way is only the first time towards the boy. I had no problem letting my other boy friends go, no matter how much we claimed to be in love with each other. I sometimes wasn’t sure if it was the companionship that me and the boy both had, or it was the sex that was so great.
Listening to the songs in my iPhone do not make things much more easier for me. When my song list goes to the song “Shake It” by Metrostation, I think about how I make fun of the song. When my song list goes to “Sorry, Blame it on me” by Akon, I think about how the boy had talked about the meaning of the song, about the story behind it. I listen to Britney and I will think about how I used to whine when he put on Britney.
They say, time will heal albeit slowly. Really?
I still see my wounds, fresh and wet. Tears? They have not abandoned me, still visits me all the time.
The boy had not contacted me for almost three months now. The last time I tried to talk to him was when I called him to wish him a happy birthday.
I had no other means of contacting him beside the phone call. I could however just stop by his place and gave him a surprise visit, but I do not really want to freak him out.
A friend once asked me.
“Do you think you still can be as how it used to be, if the boy had come back to you again?”
I guess, things would not be the same anymore. We as human beings, are not that forgiving as we want us to be ourselves. It isn’t too hard to apologize, it isn’t that hard to say that I am sorry. How easy for it for someone to forgive, and hopefully to forget?
If you loved someone and you break up, where does the love go?
How can we transform a once passionate love, into something that fits nice and easily onto the friendship shelf? I wonder, instead of pretending each other doesn’t exist, can’t we be friends or something ?
I really hope someday, very soon, that we can all meet for a drink and be great friends; just like in the movies.
Memories. Light the corners of my mind. Misty water-colored memories. Of the way we were. Can it be, can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time re-written every line? If we had the chance to do it all again. Tell me. Would we? Could we?
I would have not hurt you deliberately, will you forgive me, L?