Overcoming depression

I had a long chat on MSN with a close friend, and I think I know what the problems is.

You see, after that whole episods of me puking my guts out in my own room, I think I am suffering from depression and needs medical help. I mean, this is not normal, being suicidal is not normal. Besides having to clean my room full of puke, and blood, I guess I am okay.

Someone says that I sound very possessive. I wasn’t really. I was trying to protect L, I tried too hard. I was worried.

I have finally realized what I have done wrong. Things that I could easily fix. I want to do that, but I just need L to give me that one chance, a chance that I don’t really deserve unless I promise him I will not hurt him again.

Seeing who he is meeting, I totally disagree. I would want to tell him that, but at this stage if I do, he would think that I want to sabotage their friendship. I cannot let that happen, no matter how much disagreement I have. Perhaps all these are just coincidence that L was caught in the middle of it, then it would be a bigger problem.

The someone was right, there is no way I can shelter L the way I wanted to. He is young, and he needs his own space to breath. I have had that problem with A, I should have known better.

I took the relationship too seriously. L must have felt the pressure. Poor L.

From his daily ranting about his family matters to me, adding on by my pressures, I think any sane human being would have felt uneasy.

First off, I will need to see a doctor to settle my depression problems. The someone is right. I need the medication, otherwise, I will just repeat and repeat myself until I finally succeed. In which, it does not benefit anyone. I think I was lucky this time, because I had puked them out. I do not know what happened in between.

L, the reason I put this down on a blog is because I want to look back next time, and laugh at how silly I am. As much as I would want to publicly declare my love for L, I do not want to put the pressure on L. I want L to be happy with whatever decisions that he make.

I quote a close friend, “As human beings, we want things to work perfectly, to be smooth”. I agree. I want the relationship to be smooth and perfect. I thought by trying to understand you more, I can ask even more questions, in which it turned out to be like I am interrogating you, which it wasn’t. I know that now.

L, if you are reading this, I am going to step back a little, just to give you some space to breath. Please don’t think that I am leaving you, I am not. In fact, I am really jealous of how the things are now, and I really wish that you are together with me. You can come talk to me whenever you feel comfortable with; We had both agreed for a time out, so that is what it will be. You had not asked me for any protection, it is not right for me to shove it down your throat. I understand that now.

Thanks for the comforting messages that you guys sent me, it helped a lot. I am still worried, but I am going to seek help. Don’t worry for me, okay?

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One Response to Overcoming depression

  1. Edrei April 13, 2008 at 7:43 pm #

    I’ve been dealing with depression for a little over 10 years and personally, I shun medication because that’s just another way of running away from your problems.

    It’s all about facing whatever demons you have face on. Facing it and dealing with it one day at a time. Regardless of what’s been faced, that’s all we can handle and just as everything in life, it’ll all work out whether we want to or not.