Cedric Ang

In life, there are just so many if’s and we just can’t answer to all of them.

As much as I do not understand how did L got together with the other guy, I could not understand it when the first time I met with L either. It was too random, too fast and too quick.

There are certain little things that one must be able to see, the small little things.

If I had only left the iPod with L, if I had only give him more attention instead of asking him questions and questions, if I had only control my temper, if I had only send him gentle words instead of harsh words when he’s hurt, if I had only …

I tried to put up a strong front end. I had guessed where he would be from all the connections. I have a couple of friends that had spotted him elsewhere in KL, but that doesn’t matter. L wants his time out, right?

As much as I want to see him, I scared that I break down in tears. I kept on telling him that I want to remain as friends, and I am trying to push that boy friend feeling OFF from my mind, and it did not really work that well.

I thought of clearing my mind a bit, and I managed to get hold of a friend of mine. He decided to go to his favorite hang out place in Sunway. I went there, and spot on, I knew I saw L. I told my friend, my ex boy friend is there, I don’t know if I can face it. I don’t know if HE can face it. I don’t know if his boy friend is as possessive as me would be able to face it too.

I called, and it was confirmed L. I went off. My friend of mine got pissed off because I was the one that asked him out, and I have to send him back now.

I send a sms to L, and L said they are all cool about it. I tried to make an excuse that I want to meet his friend, the younger one. L knew I was just using that as an excuse, spot on again.

I drank the first 4 bottles, I kept on brushing away the irritating beer lady away because I want to be alone, and well she just want to make me buy more beer by drinking mine.

So, L was there for a while to chat with me, then he went off, I called him back again, and he went off again.

I got a little angry because the main reason I was there was to see him. Perhaps he did not want to put up the strong end, perhaps his boy friend is pressuring him. I don’t know. I let it go, and I chatted with the chap.

Well, we did not chat much, I just needed a drink. I needed someone to talk to and the pub environment is just not a good place.

I went out and gave a call to L, I know that he went to Mc Donald’s to get something, but I did not know if he got lost or not, I was a little worried. He said he was fine, but there were news of the police raiding premises and he was at somewhere else.

It makes me think, why is L doing this. Why is he hanging out together with his working boy friend in a pub who has got no time for him. It irks me that L is sleeping with this guy just a couple of days of knowing him. It happened to same to me, and I thought that was quick.

Well, it was L’s choice, I can’t question him. The more I do, the more L would hate me. I know.

So I ordered another 5, and another 5. I got really really drunk. I called to L again after the place close. Before I left, I whispered to the chap to ask him to get back home early, and don’t drink too much. I drank his portion because he is having gastric attacks.

After 15 bottles of beer, you can’t possibly drive home. I drove around the corner, and I stopped by Mc Donald’s. Not that I am hoping L is there, but I stopped there because that was the safest place I can find.

I called L, I sent him a couple of messages. He got angry, I think. I was drunk, I was talking about my true heart feelings. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know what did I say. I want to remain as friends, but my mind keeps on telling me to tell L that I love him and I miss him.

L said he was busy after that, I guess the boy friend had finish packing up and ready to leave.

I know on this day, I drove like a maniac down on Federal Highway back home. I did not know why did I use Federal Highway, but I just did.

I was revving my car, pushing the car to the limit. I probably broken a dozen of rules just by that. Driving under influence, excessive speed, dangerous driving, cutting lanes with no indicator. You name it, and I got it.

I keep on asking my self, SLOW DOWN, I shouted at myself SLOW DOWN. It won’t work.

I got back home, I started calling people again. No one is there for me. I don’t want to call L because I know his boy friend would not be happy about it. Well, jealousy for starters.

Then, one of my best pal came online. I blurted to him, that I am drunk, get him to call me. I am amazed that he recognized what I was typing, and he called.

I talk to him on the phone for nearly 2 hours. He was really being nice, just by listening. Someone that I need, just to listen. My bad because I should be the one calling, not him.

I went out again, still under the influence.

Unfortunately this time, right outside my house, there was a police road block. I was pulled by the side. I tried to call to L while squatting at the road side, I did not know why the fuck did I do that, he is probably already sleeping. Perhaps they are making love together, fuck I don’t want to think about it.

Long story short, I had not much sleep. I am now at the office, and I still feel the alcohol rushing my heartbeat. It doesn’t matter. Because for all I know, I have already let out everything that I need to let out. I just need someone to listen to me, my friend already did that.

Whether I can get over L or not, it is still too early to tell. L is someone that can be beside me, someone that appreciate me, someone that is dearly to me. It is hard to find this kind of person. Like I have said, if I had taken much afford to find out what L wants from me, it would not be this way. I am just too ‘kan cheong’ about him sometimes, and he dislike it and sees it the other way.

As irritating as I might sound on the phone, I am not trying to push us being together, L. I know if I force it, it would not be nice to both of our relationship. People say you speak the truth when you are drunk. I agree. I think I need to give that friend a call again to see what I have blurted out for 2 hours.

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