My Worries

There are no words that I can put in a sentence to describe how much I love L.

When he did not return my calls or SMS, I got really worried. I said was worried of his safety. In reality, I was worried about something else.

L is a person that could be easily influenced by someone. After what had happened, it only assure me more that I have to protect L, and love him more than I ever could.

You see, when I met L, sex was very easily obtained. I was worried that this would happen again.

When L said that he is in a pub with a friend, I do not know which group of friends that he is with. Could it be his school friends? Could it be some other friends that he had met somewhere else? I was worried.

True enough, I found out that L was with a guy, and they had spend the night at the guy’s house. My imagination went to the wildest, but I was sad deep inside. I did not know what to do, and I blurted did they had sex. Hesitantly, L said no.

Feeling a little of relieve, I was confused about L’s reply. Why did he hestitated.

I know he is seeing someone, but he deny that they are officially together. The things that they do, going out all the time, overnight with each other just doesn’t match the bill of ‘seeing someone’.

I was really sad. At myself for start. I had always questioned him what he had done, what this, what that. Exactly what his family would do to him and exactly what he dislike.

Work always push my temper to the limit, and sometimes L would come in at the wrong time, and it went overboard. I have hurt him so much, that the hurt has become a hate for me. L hates me because I am always angry at him, L hates me because I am always asking him questions.

I knew this long ago. I have tried to change. I told myself not to get angry at L, no matter what he did. I did try that, and it worked a couple of times, but I guess time just wasn’t on my side for me to prove it to L that I truly love him.

That night, I did something really silly. I was hell overdose alright, it only kicked me into unconsciousness but did not really kill me. I was silly, and I am glad nothing happened to me.

When I woke up this morning, I assure myself that I must now treat L as my treasure, protecting it from harms way. In order to do that, I have to do something about myself first.

L, if you are reading this, I really hoped that you would change your mind, and give me that one last chance that I need to show you how much I love you.

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