Manipulative me

Life isn’t always just full of ros­es. I am sure along the way, there are the thorns, the ups and the downs in life.

My boy friend said some­times I am very manip­u­la­tive in my words. The oth­er day, he walked off from me.

I some­times like to do things spon­ta­neous­ly. Like, on the day when L walked off from me, I actu­al­ly said I want­ed to go to this restau­rant to meet up with my friends, and unfor­tu­nate­ly my friends were not there.

Back in my head, even if my friends were there, I would not stop and have a drink with them. Per­haps I just want­ed …

Then, my friend that I was look­ing for gave me a call. He said he was going to come over. I guess it was alright. Well, I thought it was alright. L got out from my car, and walked off. I was angry, I was con­fused, I was dumb­fucked.

L had nev­er walked off from me. Nev­er. He would remain qui­et for a cou­ple of days but nev­er walked away. I guess there are always the first time.

After sup­per, I thought while I was drink­ing my drink, L could pay at the counter for me; since both of us were not com­fort­able there. Instead, while I was pay­ing, he walked away again; At that time, I want­ed to used the men’s room, if I had gone, I could have lost him for­ev­er.

In the end I man­aged to coaxed him to stay, or at least let me take him back. Walk­ing for 25 KM back to his home from where we were is not my idea of spend­ing a night, I think he would think the same too. The event that took place that night made me sleep­less the whole night. Yes, I still need to wake up for work.

He said that I am always manip­u­la­tive with my words. Per­haps it was just some mis­com­mu­ni­ca­tion thing that I am not real­ly good with. I tried real­ly hard not to hurt his feel­ings, try real­ly hard to make him hap­py. I know some­times I did things that he didn’t like, but it is always for the process of try­ing to make him hap­py.

I am con­fused, I don’t know what to do some­times. I tried to be fun­ny some­times, and it was always at the wrong time and L took it wrong­ly. I told him I am horny, and I would real­ly love to see him. He was tired, so instead of sound­ing dis­ap­point­ed, I told him I’ll just go have sex with a duck. He took that too seri­ous­ly.

Tears start­ed flow­ing when I got that SMS that L sent me say­ing that he needs a break. We have been through all these twice since we were togeth­er. Every­time that hap­pened, I always imag­ined the unforseen, that we final­ly break up. Like, not togeth­er any­more. Every­thing I asked him if things are okay again, I feared the worst would hap­pen. I am just a suck­er for love, I guess.

This time, he had ask for a cou­ple of weeks of no con­tacts. Just a cou­ple of weeks, he said. I am afraid that I might break in peices. I can­not even han­dle the two times even though it was just for days. I don’t know if I can even han­dle this.

Some­one help me please, I think I need alco­hol

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4 Responses to Manipulative me

  1. Martin January 24, 2008 at 7:04 pm #

    Hi, you may not like to hear this but it sounds like you two have com­pat­i­bil­i­ty issues. Com­mu­ni­ca­tion prob­lems are often a sign of some­thing larg­er, usu­al­ly the inabil­i­ty of one side to accept and live with the dif­fer­ent val­ue sys­tem of the oth­er.

    Your friend could try to fit into your val­ue sys­tem or vice ver­sa but short of expe­ri­enc­ing deep men­tal trau­ma, its hard for peo­ple to change. Forc­ing it would be fake and fake things nev­er last. On the pos­i­tive side, its bet­ter that you know ear­ly. You are still young and there are many fish in the sea as they say. Instead of being hand­cuffed togeth­er with long faces, both of you can decide to move on, now a lit­tle bit wis­er.

    But I’m sure you know this already. Maybe what you need is some­one — a real per­son to talk to and I’m sure you have no prob­lem there. So take it easy and good luck.

  2. Cedric Ang January 25, 2008 at 11:29 am #

    Mar­tin, thanks for the feed­back. Actu­al­ly I think the way that I have put it in the blog entry makes it sounds like it was a com­mu­ni­ca­tion thing­gy, well I know I have said it that way.

    I think it is more of a com­ing out from the clos­et kind of thing, L doesn’t want to be known, whilst I like to bring him out to meet more friends, I guess that’s the prob­lem.

  3. Volturi January 26, 2008 at 3:28 am #

    Hmm.. seems com­pli­cat­ed here. Based on my years of expe­ri­ence with my exs’ and my cur­rent part­ner, i myself have learned alot from them. Here’s some tips that hope­ful­ly would help both of you.

    First­ly, you said that he said that you are being manip­u­la­tive with your words. Per­haps you just need to be a lit­tle more hon­est and direct dur­ing your con­ver­sa­tion.

    2nd, you said “L had nev­er walked off from me. Nev­er. He would remain qui­et for a cou­ple of days but nev­er walked away. I guess there are always the first time. ” this seems like every­time you made him upset, you left him to kept qui­et for a cou­ple of days instead of imme­di­ate­ly con­sole him . You must not wait until some­thing upset­ting nest and grow into a big­ger prob­lem, be proac­tive some­times. You also sound like you are tak­ing him for grant­ed as you have claimed you have nev­er seen him walk­ing away. Im sure there is a robust rea­son why a lover would walk away from his part­ner. Dear Cedric, why wait for the storm to hit the shore when you have a choice to evac­u­ate ear­li­er ? Try to under­stand why was he upset.

    3rd, you have said that some­thing like him walk­ing away tru­ly made you sleep­less. This obvi­ous­ly signs that you DO care and you DO love him.

    4th, “I tried real­ly hard not to hurt his feel­ings, try real­ly hard to make him hap­py. I know some­times I did things that he didn’t like, but it is always for the process of try­ing to make him hap­py” Per­haps, some­times a man can try too hard. Be nat­ur­al. Im sure L likes you for who you are, and not the “tri­al” you. You said that you did things that he does­nt like in order to make him hap­py in the end. This is no fairy­tale. If you did do some­thing that made him unhap­py in the first place, you need to tell him your good will, oth­er­wise it will be up to no use. Hon­esty and com­mu­ni­ca­tion is very impor­tant in a rela­tion­ship.

    5th, ” I am just a suck­er for love, I guess.” Dont give up and lose your con­fi­dence ! If you real­ly love L, have faith in this rela­tion­ship. If you dont, dont be upset, like what Mar­tin said, there are still many fish­es in the ocean ( not that im sug­gest­ing you to break up or any­thing ). “Every­time that hap­pened, I always imag­ined the unforseen, that we final­ly break up.” Do be opti­mistic about a rela­tion­ship. A rela­tion­ships needs to grow stonger and more sta­ble with time. If you were to kept fore­see­ing that a rela­tion­ship you are engaged in are going to be over, it is i real omin­ious sign that would only bring fore­bod­ing signs. Have con­fi­dence, young man !

    6th, like what you said about com­ing out of the clos­et, i myself had a rough time com­ing out of my clos­et dur­ing the last semes­ter of my Uni course. Things was tough, but when the goings get tough, the will gets tougher. Of course, this does­nt apply to every­one. Nobody can push any­one out of the clos­et unless that per­son wants to come out. Like what was high­light­ed in Trevvy’s web page ( http://www.trevvy.com/scoops/article.php?a_id=264&c_id=3 ), dat­ing Mr.Discreet can be a tough thing. Trust me, i have a hand­ful of that expe­ri­ence myself. But if you real­ly love him, you should give him time to come out. Dont encour­age, pro­voke or any­thing.

    When the time is right, a true gay will be more than proud to step out of the clos­et and embrace him­self.

    Good luck and i hope that my tips could help you.

    If any­one needs some­one to con­sole about their love life too, i would be more than hap­py to help. I will soon set up a blog ded­i­cat­ed to help strug­gling gays get­ting through rough patch­es.

    From the one and only, Vol­turi.

  4. Cedric Ang January 27, 2008 at 9:30 pm #

    Vol­turi, thanks for the advise there. It will take me some time to slow­ly digest what you have sug­gest­ed. Not to wor­ry, I think the time out is both good for both of us. It helps us think what is impor­tant in our life.

    Thank you, once again.